[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like the best thing you can do for the relationship is to try and lighten up to take the pressure off of the relationship and off of him. With the new job, roommates, this relationship — there’s a lot going on. Try to focus on maybe seeing him a little less often, to give him time to miss you, and when you do see him, keep it happy and upbeat. Do nice things for him, so he understands you’re empathetic to what he’s going through. Give him little gifts, bake him cookies, send him love notes and funny jokes. And try to focus on the fun, and not the pressure of being in a relationship. If he feels too stressed in his life, he’s going to try and alleviate that stress by reducing things that worry him — like the relationship. So, for now, keep it light and upbeat. Be empathetic and fun. And balance the relationship with your own individual lives. You’re both going into your 20s and there is a lot happening for both of you. Don’t pressure yourselves and each other. I hope that helps. Let me know if you need more.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s got a great set up. He’s got his long-term, live-in girlfriend — and he’s got his one-year girlfriend on the side! Whatever he says, the bottom line is that he doesn’t want things to change. If he did, he’d change them. Instead, he’s saying what he needs to say to keep you in the game, and he’s winning at it. Whether or not you’re “the other” woman, that’s really just semantics. What you definitely are is one of two women that he’s with. Instead of wondering why he’s doing what he’s doing, you should probably ask yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. If you want a relationship with a man who is going to put you first, this is never going to be that. Instead of trying to win him over — which is never going to happen because he doesn’t want it to happen — why not try to find someone who wants just you? It sounds like you’re trying to help him overcome some defect that is causing him to date both of you without choosing. Instead of turning him into a project, shine the spotlight on yourself. If you want monogamy, go get it — with someone who wants it, also. I hope that helps. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi there: I just responded to your simultaneous post and this is what I wrote: It sounds like she was looking for a commitment from you, and she didn’t get it. So, now she’s trying to move on. You have to understand that she is a 36 year-old single parent with three kids and she is probably looking for a commitment. Since the two of you have been dating on and off for about four years now, it would seem that you would know if you want to commit to her or not. I’m very sure that’s what she is thinking. It sounds like she reluctantly went along with your request to date on the down low for three months and then reevaluate in a talk about the relationship. She was hoping that that would give you the time you needed to decide about a commitment. But when she didn’t hear what she wanted, she got upset and that’s what you’re feeling and seeing. She’s not getting what she wants from the relationship. I know you don’t want to lose her, but it also seems you’re not ready or willing to give her the commitment to keep her. Four years of dating off and on is a reasonable amount of time for you to know. And I think you’re just not ready. And she knows that. She’s not responding to your texts about dinner because she’s not interested in dinner. She wants a proposal or some sort of commitment that the relationship is moving forward. You’re at a crossroads in the relationship. Either you propose or you move on. There is a chance that with time, she’ll come back to you because she misses you, but right now, she’s going to try and find someone who wants a commitment with her. If you’re that guy, this is your moment to step it up. But be honest with yourself. I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

If you want to ask me some more questions — which it sounds like you do 😉 — it’s probably best to respond to what I wrote with your questions. I’ll respond in kind.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like she was looking for a commitment from you, and she didn’t get it. So, now she’s trying to move on. You have to understand that she is a 36 year-old single parent with three kids and she is probably looking for a commitment. Since the two of you have been dating on and off for about four years now, it would seem that you would know if you want to commit to her or not. I’m very sure that’s what she is thinking. It sounds like she reluctantly went along with your request to date on the down low for three months and then reevaluate in a talk about the relationship. She was hoping that that would give you the time you needed to decide about a commitment. But when she didn’t hear what she wanted, she got upset and that’s what you’re feeling and seeing. She’s not getting what she wants from the relationship. I know you don’t want to lose her, but it also seems you’re not ready or willing to give her the commitment to keep her. Four years of dating off and on is a reasonable amount of time for you to know. And I think you’re just not ready. And she knows that. She’s not responding to your texts about dinner because she’s not interested in dinner. She wants a proposal or some sort of commitment that the relationship is moving forward. You’re at a crossroads in the relationship. Either you propose or you move on. There is a chance that with time, she’ll come back to you because she misses you, but right now, she’s going to try and find someone who wants a commitment with her. If you’re that guy, this is your moment to step it up. But be honest with yourself. I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

A six year relationship is a big deal, and this break up has got to be very painful for you. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. It must seem like you realize what you did, and how you would like to do things differently now, and you really want him to give you a chance to prove to him that things are different, and that the causes of the breakup were just a glitch, and not your best self. But he’s in a different place than you are, and he’s not wanting to give you that opportunity right now, because he’s testing the waters outside of the relationship and after six years of being in a relationship, he’s feeling his freedom and wanting to just have his own space. That must make you frustrated and scared because it probably seems like you’ll never get him back. You’ve got to work through these feelings and understand that this is a process. And you don’t have control over him or his feelings. Allow yourself to feel frustrated and scared, but also try to look at the big picture. He may or may not decide, after some time, that he’s ready to give things with you another chance. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, you had a wonderful relationship. You made some mistakes. And you’re going to learn from them. It’s also not just your fault — another man, or maybe this man in a few years with some more maturity, may not have felt your mistakes were such a big deal. Another man might forgive what you did or understand that it was just a blip. The bottom line is that he’s doing him, and you have to do you. You can’t change him. You can learn from the relationship and be kind to yourself. But for now, you can’t force him back. I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since the two of you are broken up, you have to understand that this might very well be over for good. I don’t know why you broke up, but I’m sure that the two of you had your reasons and that they were good ones. If you do write to me here again, let me know why you broke up. Because if you do want to get back together again, the reasons for the break up are very important for any make up.

That said, it sounds like on top of the reasons for the break up, your ex is now upset about your showing up at his home without notice, knocking for 30 minutes, following him and another woman — he’s feeling stalked. This has complicated things, and now he’s saying that this is the reason he doesn’t want to deal with you any more. I think he’ll calm down about this in time, but only if he can see that you are not going to repeat this behavior. I know how hard this is going to be for you, because you’re panicked about losing him for good — but you have to stop following him and showing up places where you know he’ll be. Completely. If you can do that, and he sees six to twelve months go by without your showing up as a surprise, then — and only then — will he realize you’re over that part of your reaction to the breakup. When that happens, you should joke about it, and apologize. But for now, you’ve got to cure the more recent problem — the stalking. Then, give things some time, and let him come to you after that. There’s a chance that once your stalking behavior ends, he’ll actually miss the old you he used to love, and want to see you — but only if you give him the opportunity to do so. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is competitive, and I understand that you’re scared of rejection, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to get his attention. I think you should compete for him. If you never try, you’ll feel much worse than if you try your best and lose out. So take a big picture view of dating, and give this your best shot. Since you’ve only known him for two months, give him some hints that you’d like to go out with him. Believe it or not he may be having anxiety about being rejected by you! So try to make sure to let him know you’re interested by flirting and mentioning things you’d love to do — like, you’d love to have a date for New Year’s Eve! Or that you’d love to have a date to go ice skating with or to see a new movie with. Use the D (date) word so that he doesn’t confuse your flirting with friendship.

And since you have some self esteem issues, face them. Don’t let them win. If you feel poorly about yourself, do small things that may sound silly but that will help you feel better about yourself. Get dressed up. Read a book that he likes, so you can talk to him about it. Accentuate your best assets — if you’re funny, show him how funny you are. If you’re clever, show him how clever you are. If you’re a good dancer, show him a few move, fooling around. Pick one or two things you know you’ve got going for you, and focus on those strengths. What’s most important is that you don’t let your feelings about your self esteem sideline you. Life is tough, but that doesn’t mean you should sit this one out. Get out there, and let him know you’re looking for a date like him! 😉 I hope that helps. Let me know if you need more help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Interesting advice. Thank you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

She likes you and she wants to date you, but she is waiting for you to make the first move. 😉 When she told you that when “everything is settled” she wants to come over and have a few drinks, that was her clue to you that she wants you to take care of business with your wife, and become single so she can date you. When a woman tells you she wants you to have a party so she can come over and have drinks with you, that’s your clue! 🙂

If you want to make a move now, you can. She may push back and ask you to wait until you’re divorced or are not living with your wife — or she may go for it now. But unless you try, you won’t know. I know you’re in a marriage that is ending and dating is new to you, but some things have not changed. The guy making the first move may seem traditional and old school, but it’s the fall back position for a lot of people. And it really sounds like it is for her. She’s looking to you to let her know when you’re ready. 😉

I’m not sure how close you are to divorce or living as a separated person in a divorce, but if you are close, I think you can give it a shot. Invite her out on a date. Dinner, just the two of you, and tell her it’s a date. If things go well, make your move. If that kind of formality gives you pause, then you can simply make a move — and see what happens. But rest assured — she’s interested in you as a romantic partner. Game on (if you want it to be). Your move.

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