[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so glad you invited her to have lunch — but I think you have to come on stronger. 🙂 You got a vague answer from her because your question was somewhat vague. So now, instead of letting her run the show, it’s time for you to take charge. 😛 No more emojis and liking emojis — instead tell her you got a reservation at a great restaurant — hoping she’d say yes to dinner. And ask her if she’d like to have dinner with you on Friday at 7 at a specific place. In other words, make the reservation and ask her out on a date. If she says yes, you’ve got a date!! If she says no — and it’s because the particular date is not good, then ask her in that moment if the next Saturday night is better? In other words, pin her down for that date you want. 😉

Because this “dance” has been going on for 8 months now, it’s time let her know you want her! 😎 Women respond to that!! If she likes you, it’ll be flattering for her to know that you want to date her so much, you’ve one out and made a reservation (or some other special date plans), and that you’re the take charge guy when it comes to the relationship she could have with you. I know this is a little uncomfortable for you to ease into, but it’s important. You don’t want to waste your time with someone who’s not into you, and by pressing forward, you’re both flattering her if she’s interested, and if she’s not, you’re forcing that response so you can let go and move on if that’s the case. I hope it’s not — but I’d hate to see you waste a year on someone you haven’t asked out because you’re afraid of rejection — and I’d also hate to see you waste a year on not asking someone out — someone who wants to date you — because of that fear. Carpe diem!! Seize the day. Get a reservation and ask her out on a date.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is only one thing in the world that is worse than rejection — and that is regret. If you never ask her out, you’ll always wonder and you’ll regret that you didn’t ever find out for sure. She’s definitely interested in you, but believe it or not, she may think you’re not interested in her. From her point of view you’re the guy who’s really nice, but never asks her out. 😕 Yes, she’s got a complicated situation, but when she tells you that things aren’t good with her boyfriend, and she wants to break up with him, she’s giving you opportunities to move in and ask her out on a date.

How to do it? Acknowledge the situation, first. Tell her you know that this is awkward since her living situation is fraught with problems, but in spite of it, you’d like to take her to dinner or take her on a date. Put your cards on the table, and let her know what YOU want. If she tells you she’d love to go, then you’ve done something awesome for both of you. If she tells you she can’t because of the situation she’s in, tell her to let you know when she’s ready. It may give her the incentive she needs to get out of a bad situation and into a good one with you! 😉 And if she gives you a blanket no, then you’ll have asked and gotten rejected — which isn’t the worst thing in the world at all, and you’ll be able to move on. But if you never ask…. you’ll never have the chance to know where you stand, and she’ll never have the chance to know, either. 😮 Ask her out!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Always trust your gut. So many of us overthink things and talk ourselves out of what we already know because we’re insecure or because we don’t want things to end, or because we want them to go in a different direction. 😉 It sounds like the relationship started out really well — and went fast and smoothly. But, when you had what sounds like your first passionate night, she may have freaked out for some reason that has nothing to do with you. You don’t really know her that well. It’s only been six weeks dating, and the second half of that time has been chillier than the first half. So, this last three weeks is really part of the dating process that you use to decide if you want to continue seeing her. Sounds like you invested a chunk of your heart in this relationship — maybe a little early…. and now you’re getting to know this side of her and you’re not sure what’s going on. My advice is to let it play out until either she warms up a little more, or until you feel that what you’re learning and what you’re getting back isn’t worth your time and energy. One or the other. Being confused is okay — that’s what happens a lot in new relationships where you don’t really know someone that well, in spite of a whirlwind romance. But when you get to know her…. and want to stay with it — or don’t… that’s when you’re dating smart because you’re paying attention and your’e figuring out what you need, what she’s offering and whether the two of you are compatible. Time is your friend — and so is your intuition!I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Time to take the porn out of the closet! You found your boyfriend’s porn on the computer you share with him — so on some conscious or subconscious level, he wanted you to find it so that you’re in on this secret he has. If he really wanted to keep it secret, he would have worked harder to do so. This is his way of trying to share and start a conversation. Whether or not you like his style, this is what you’re working with, so let’s move forward! You need to bring this up with him. Tell him you found his porn — just like that. And let him react. Don’t paint him into a corner with judgment. And if he doesn’t react, ask him if he wants to talk about it at all. If he doesn’t, tell him you do. Ideally, you’ll have a conversation and that’s the time to tell him that you’re disturbed by the incest in his porn. Subject matters like these are typically kept quiet — and not discussed because they’re uncomfortable and awkward. But that’s the worst thing you can do, because by keeping his secret quiet, it becomes your secret that is kept quiet, too — and then you’re being complicit in enabling shame. So air it out and talk about it. You’ve been dating for three years, so you probably think you know everything about each other — but many long-term relationships have secrets kept for way longer than three years, so use this opportunity, as distasteful as it may be, to get to know him by discussing this issue. If he does have an incest fetish — or if he’s been molested in the past or had some type of sexual history that is troubling — now is the time to address this. So, before you break up or assume what may or may not be…. talk to him. This finding is a cry for help — and an opportunity to get to know each other beyond what you thought you already knew.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You haven’t ruined your chances for the [i]long run[/i], but the short run needs to be all about damage control. The object of your affection made it clear that he’s not into drama, and your passing out drunk at a party was distasteful to him. So, the first thing you need to do is check yourself. Was this a one time thing, or do you think you may have a drinking problem? Getting buzzed or tipsy is one thing, but passing out is a big deal, so if you need help, get it. If you don’t have a problem or need help, consider the reasons for your drama this guy is concerned about. What caused you to get that drunk? In addition, ask yourself if you have other drama in your life beyond drinking. If you do, and you want to get rid of it, you have some personal work to do. If not, then what will help this guy see that you’re not all drama, all the time, is experiences with you where things go smoothly. This takes time and requires you to both be at the same parties at the same time, or at the same events at the same time…. show him your work out ethic, or your fitness streak — which will hopefully offset that drinking episode. Show him your clean eating and other lifestyle assets you possess that indicate you’re not about drama — you’re about peace and peaceful living. You can invite him to jogging or hiking with you. You can talk to him about other healthy things you’re doing in your life — without indicating too boldly, so it doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard. And you have to be patient. This isn’t “fix” won’t happen over night. It’ll take some time. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating with children is tough! In fact, kids and potential step-kids can become as difficult in a relationship and as much a relationship deal breaker as a meddling in-law. It’s easy to forget this because the idea of one big happy family seems so seductive, and children seem so sweet an joyful — but beware! Dating with kids can be like walking over a minefield. Here are a few tips you can try:

* Protect the relationship you have with this woman, from both sets of kids. In other words, keep this relationship on the down low. Don’t involve the kids in your dating lives unless and until you’re mutually super serious about a commitment. Don’t talk about the relationship with the kids. Don’t share news about it. Don’t include them on your dates or set up play dates between them. There are too many ways for kids to misinterpret their own feelings about your relationship and how it will affect them, so just don’t involve them. Even with something as seemingly innocuous as telling your daughter that your girlfriend likes a particular house…. kids can run with these ideas and twist them out of context, between themselves — and create relationship trouble as a result.

* Consider that this woman’s children may feel threatened by your relationship with their mother. They may feel that they’ll be displaced. They may feel jealous of her attentions towards you. They may feel that you’re displacing their father — even if you aren’t trying to…. they may conjure up these ideas, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Her kids, her relationship with her kids, and their personal journeys are not controllable, but being aware of these potential feelings that the kids have, is going to help.

* Apologize. Explain that you didn’t realize that talking to your daughter about your feelings about a house would spin out of control, and let her know that for future, you want to keep the relationship between the grown ups, big time — and not the kids. Let her know you won’t do that again, and you’re sorry. She wants to hear you taking responsibility and making changes…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think he really likes you, and those short messages had everything to do with the fact that he’s sick and not feeling well. It’s hard to be flirty when you’re run down and feeling punk. I don’t think his responses have to do with anything else. As for what happened — he’s definitely attracted to you, and when he stopped himself from going forward when the two of you were making out, by saying, “Oh, I have to stop myself,”, he was looking for a clue from you as to what YOU wanted him to do. Guys aren’t always as confident as they might seem to be, and I think he was looking for confirmation from you that it was okay to continue, or that you liked what was going on… so when you’re in that position next time, give him some input when he says, ‘Oh, I have to stop myself,” because he really wants your feedback and didn’t know how to ask for it.

When you started crying he may have gotten the idea that you weren’t into him or that you were conflicted, when really, he would have loved to have heard you tell him that you enjoyed what was happening and that you wanted to continue or you wanted him to continue, or not — but he probably didn’t expect your weeping. And that might have thrown him for a loop.

For now, lighten up and try to have fun with him! Flirt, compliment him and let him know how you feel. He needs your reassurance that he’s going in the right direction and doing the right things, as you both try to take this relationship out of the friend zone.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

All you have to do is stop fighting! I know that sounds simple — and in reality is a lot harder to do. But, instead of finding fault, find ways to compliment him. Stop yourself from fighting, and to do so….Understand that this has a lot to do with you recognizing the signs of a fight coming on, and using self discipline to avert the fight. In addition, use [i]really good manners[/i] — like being timely when you respond to messages, or if you cancel a get together, don’t do it at the last minute, leaving him hanging. If you keep your side of the street clean, those fights and that bickering will fade away.

The other thing to avoid is drama. Don’t make a big deal out of things — for instance, if he apologizes for touching your breast, let it be. Don’t make a big deal out of it. This is a new relationship as far as romance goes, and you have to allow for these faux pas’ and bumps in the road. Find your sense of humor, rather than your quick to blame trigger.

To try and save things, since it’s Christmas and you have New Year’s Eve coming up — slather on the sweet behavior. Invite him for dinner and cook. Or bring him little presents and plan a New Year’s date that is generous and romantic. Flirt and compliment him and make him feel good about being with you — not concerned with bickering and drama. In other words, show gratitude for the romance, and show your best romantic feelings. Don’t slide back into the friend zone… but at the same time, become the girlfriend he wants in the relationship you both want. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t infidelity — it’s you wanting a commitment from a woman who is not ready for a commitment. 😉 She’s only been divorced for one year now, so she’s playing the field. And she’s not completely done with her ex-husband, since it sounds like she’s still involved with him as well, as their marriage winds down. Divorce is a legal transaction, but the heart is not as rigid as the law. She’s working a lot out, emotionally and socially — and this is very frustrating for you! Since you know she’s got all these other men giving her attention, and she’s also crashing your dates — it’s your choice whether or not to continue dating someone who’s not ready to settle down and wants to flirt, date and maybe even sleep with other people until she’s ready for another commitment, whenever that is. I know this is tough for you because you want her to want what you want — but she doesn’t. So….. while it’s wonderful that she’s enchanting and charming and all those other good things we look for in a date, you need more You need someone who’s compatible with you in terms of lifestyle and commitment level. She’s not. 😳 My advice is that you move on and find someone who’s ready for what you’re ready for — a commitment. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Anytime you’re in a new relationship, there’s a chance that things won’t work out — and since you’ve only been dating for a few months, it could be that she just doesn’t feel that you’re someone she wants to continue dating. You may not be doing anything wrong — it’s just not a match. Possibly. The other possibility is that when you started dating, this wasn’t long distance, but because it became long distance, she may not see a future for the two of you with this kind of this distance between you. It sounds like you both work long hours and have full lives and she may want someone who’s around to be with after those long days — rather than talking on the phone or video chatting. Long distance is tough and it’s not for everyone. If she’s feeling lonely and really wants a boyfriend to be with her — not just be there across the distance — the LDR you’ve got isn’t going to work for her. In that case, it’s not you — it’s the distance. The last possibility is that since you were possibly a rebound relationship, she may have gotten back together with her ex-boyfriend while you’ve been out of town. Those are the three possibilities.

If you want to try and get her back, see if you can see her in person — either in town where she’s living, or fly her out to see you for a romantic long weekend. You may be able to rekindle the romance that way. Trying to do so over the phone or video chat is just going to reinforce the problem. You can also try to invite her to do something exciting or fabulous for New Year’s Eve — which is a great opportunity to try and make a grand gesture that might lure her back. Invite her to do something really special and see if that works. And if she accepts one of those invitations, talk to her about the long distance because if that’s what the problem is, at least you can know it and decide if you want to change your work situation in order to prioritize and pursue the relationship.

Hope that helps!

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