[April Masini, your AskApril]

After 20 years of marriage, this behavior is either new because something has triggered it — or it’s “just another day” and this behavior has been the norm through the marriage’s tenure, and the original poster finally woke up to try and get herself some help to live a more healthful life. Breaking patterns of behavior is very tough, but so important in evolving!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you’re confused as much as you’re simply disappointed. 😳 He’s trying to tell you that he has doubts about marriage and about being a relationship at all right now. I wouldn’t say he’s being crystal clear, but he’s trying to tell you how he feels and what he wants, without hurting your feelings. That’s difficult, given that you want marriage and he doesn’t, so he’s confusing you to avoid hurting you, but I think you get the underlying problem here. That this is coming after the two of you have dated for 8 months means he’s looking to wind down the relationship. His passive aggressive behavior of canceling on you is not isolated behavior. It’s him doing the best he can to disengage without confrontation.

The bottom line is that you want a relationship that leads to marriage, and he doesn’t. This makes the two of you incompatible. 🙁 I know this hurts your feelings, but it’s best to face these facts at 8 months in, rather than 2 years and 8 months in. For future…. when a guy says you’re the light out of his 3 year depression, while that’s flattering, it indicates that you’re serving a purpose in his life, that may not be what you want it to be. He needed to move on from this depression, and being with you helped him, but he wasn’t a guy who was happy and healthy and ready for marriage. He has a lot of great qualities, but because you want marriage, you need to hone in on this same relationship goal in those you’re dating.

My advice is to let go and move on. Tell him that you care about him, but you’re really looking for a commitment that leads to marriage, and it seems that he’s not. I think you’re avoiding this conversation because the outcome could lead to a breakup, and you don’t want that. Nobody does — but it’s better to break up and move on to try and find what you want, then to stay with someone who doesn’t want marriage when you do, hoping, anxiously, that he’ll change.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If after about 8 or 9 dates, a guy says that he doesn’t want a relationship, believe him. If you do continue with him now that he’s disclosed his motive, understand that you’ll be doing exactly what you started out saying you didn’t want to do — which is sleeping with a guy who won’t commit to you. Now, it’s not just your guess or your instinct — he’s come right out and set things straight. He’s in it for fun, but he doesn’t want a relationship.

I think that you have an opportunity to move on and find what it is you really want — but you won’t find it with him. This isn’t a situation where you can fix him or turn him around. Luckily, you haven’t invested all that much time or energy in him and the dating situation — so far. I would hate to see you waste your time on someone who’s coming out and telling you he’s not your Mr. Right. 😳

Consider his statement a gift — he doesn’t want you to get hurt or continue in something that is never going to result in the relationship you’re looking for. Don’t ignore what he’s told you. Pay attention! This is exactly how you get to know someone — and he’s given you real insight into who he is and what he wants. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s important that you don’t “lay down the law” or impose ultimatums. That’s why I suggested you invite him to do something special with you and your daughter…. but it now sounds like, for you at least, this is really more about this other woman he’s spending time with, and not so much about his feeling displaced by your daughter being with you. What you can do is break that glass wall by sending him a little gift when you’re not with him — homemade food like chocolate chip cookies, or a little gift that’s meaningful to him… maybe a photo of yourself, or the two of you, from a memorable date, or a book you think he’ll like, and make sure that either you deliver the gift or they’re professionally delivered on those days when you’re not with him. Ideally, he’ll call you right away to thank you for the gift — or you can even contact him to make sure he got the gift. This behavior modification on your part should induce more contact from him. Smaller ways to connect during the times when you’re not together are sending him images, inviting him to meet for a drink or go for a run or whatever you both do together — during those times when he’s not usually with you. Use the, “you catch more bees with sugar than vinegar” to attract him to you — rather than shaking a scolding finger at him for misbehaving.

As for his relationship with this other woman — I don’t think you’re wrong to feel uncomfortable. So, trying to get more comfortable with his emotional attachment to her is akin to putting your head in the sand. 😕 She’s competition. And the fact that he’s taking her to parties when you’re not around, is an indication that he’s not ready for the kind of commitment to you that you are to him. This may be because he’s on a slower clock, but more likely it’s because he likes having you and having her — and his freedom. I was a little surprised to hear you don’t know him that well after 10 months of dating, so figure out how you can get to know him better. Have meaningful conversations over dinner, a bottle of wine or a morning hike! Use the dating process to figure out if he’s someone you can have a future with or not. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you date as a single parent, it’s important that you find someone who understands your life as a romantic partner, as well as a single parent, and wants to be part of both those facets of your life. It sounds like he’s jealous of the time you’re spending with your daughter, and so he’s punishing you by going out with a potential romantic interest — his ex who likes him, and makes him feel desired, especially on Thursdays — at a time when he’s construing your time with your daughter as a rejection of him.

Before you throw in the towel, try inviting him to spend time with you and your daughter on a Thursday night — whether it’s to go see a movie with the two of you or have dinner or go out for ice cream — and make a point of saying how nice it would be to spend Thursday nights together so he can get to know your daughter a little more than he does, already. His response will be telling. It’s possible, this had never occurred to him, and not having children of his own, he just never figured out that this was a good idea. It also sounds like the two of you haven’t really talked about this before, and by inviting him to spend time with you and your daughter, you may be giving him the invitation he’s needed to move things to the next level. On the other hand, if he blanches or feels that this isn’t something he wants to do, then you can take that opportunity to ask him about how he feels about your daughter, and the two of you being a package deal. It sounds like this is a topic that hasn’t really come up in a meaningful way, and at ten months in, it’s time.

I don’t think this is really about the other woman as much as it’s about his wanting to feel like he’s number one in your life, and you need to know if he’s interested in being part of your future as a partner and a step-father. If he’s not, then there’s no sense in continuing.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to win her over, and do things differently — then you have to do [i]exactly that[/i]. The same old, same old is just going to land you right where you are now, on the perimeter of the friend zone. While there may have been a spark once, the romance is faded and that’s what you have to go for. Since she’s in Ireland and you’re in the UK, you’re not really that far away. Make the relationship a priority – not something you do when it’s convenient. Make a play to see her regularly — several times a month. And be attractive, sexy, successful and flirtatious when you’re with her. Be who she wants. Be the guy she’s proud to be seen with and wants to show off!

You should start by going to her, and if that goes well, invite her to come to the UK to see you. Dial up the sexy flirting, attention, and romance — and be the prince who sweeps her off her feet. Forget anything that is “friendly” and go for flirtatious, sexy “boyfriend material”. Take charge, romantically. It’s definitely a balancing act, but you can do it! And while there’s always a risk of rejection when you put yourself out there, away from the safety of the friend zone, unless you do take the risk, you’ll never know if you could have won, and you should play to win. When you do see her — flirt with her, compliment her appearance, hold hands, kiss, make out — be a hot boyfriend, not just a sympathetic ear. Bring her flowers, take her special places and be interested in her and what’s going on in her life, while at the same time, showing her what could be hers if she’ll date you. You have to make her want you, and not just show up as a friend. 😎 This friendly dynamic has been going on for years, and now that you’re 25 and she’s 28, and it’s important you don’t lose her to missed opportunities. Seize the day and relinquish the friend zone. Send her flowers and make plans to see her today. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he does reach out to you again (and I think you should wait for him to do so), put yourself in his shoes and understand that he wants to feel like a hero. That’s normal for guys. Any guy wants to feel like he’s making his date and partner happy and you’re excited to see him. He doesn’t want to feel like a failure. So when you don’t get enough attention from him, instead of making it his problem and chastising him for it and making him feel like he’s done something wrong, instead, make him wonder why he stayed away. 😎 Make it your problem, not his, and change [i]you[/i]r behavior. Give him reasons to want to see you as soon as he gets into town — by being upbeat, funny, charming, sexy and light-spirited! When he feels that he’s come home to someone who’s going to tell him what he did wrong, he’s going to want to stay away, not get closer. That’s something you can work on in relationships to get what you want. 😉

Overall, it sounds like your four months of dating this guy have been bumpy. 😕 You had some really great times, but they’ve been interspersed with problems that have to do with communication and interest. You weren’t that interested at first because you had family issues that were pressing, so your communication was “flakey”. Then he left you alone which you didn’t like, but after a while things worked themselves out. Finally, he came home from a family vacation and he was distant making you feel “irrelevant”, so you addressed that, and he seems to have gone silent on you since then. If you take a few steps back, it would seem that this relationship is not a compatible one. Usually, the first four months of dating, when you’re trying to figure out if this is someone you want to continue seeing or not, and you decide you do, goes more smoothly than this one has. So if he does come back to you, give my advice a try — but if you still wind up having this many or more problems this early on, and you’re both not mutually committed to making things better, then this is just a relationship that isn’t compatible, and these problems are signs that you will be happier with someone who’s more interested in the same thing you want.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You had a fling with your neighborhood-crush, and that changed your relationship. Now, you’re not just flirty neighbors — you had sex and that’s a game changer. He’s steering clear of you for now because he feels conflicted. He’s probably attracted to you and feels guilty at the same time. He may be worried that his girlfriend will find out and that will create problems for him and his family, and that’s another reason he’s gone pretty quiet on you. If you want more, lay low and wait for his cue. Eventually you’ll run into each other and he’s going to want see what your reaction is. If you flirt with him, he’ll get the clue that you want more. And, chances are, that if you’re game, he will be too. As for the texting, it doesn’t seem like that’s a comfortable space for him to connect with you since the night of the fling, so try and avoid texting. What you want is a face to face so you can read his expressions and body language — and he can read yours. Texting lacks nuances and it’s really a source for miscommunication when you’re looking for layers beyond the words. Your next move will come when you see each other, and you’ll get a pretty good idea of what he wants when you see him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is that it’s a process that lets you learn about yourself and the other person, and then to use what you learn to make decisions. You’re 48 and you’ve been dating your 29 year old girlfriend for three months. You felt uncertain about her commitment to you, so you snuck into her phone, and learned that she meets up with guys from online websites and apps. Now that you have that information, you have choices. 😉 You can choose to play the field, or break up because you want someone who is willing to commit more fully at the three month mark, or continue seeing her knowing that she’s looking around at other options.

I always suggest using this dating model: Use the first 3 months to decide if you want to continue dating someone — that’s where you are now. If you chose to do so, then use the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. I know this feels like a very slow time table, but it will help you avoid making commitments to someone you don’t know that well, too soon. Your situation is exactly why this timetable is a good idea. 😉 It forces you not to jump into things prematurely. You can’t tell her not to date other men after only three months, but you can learn that someone you want a commitment to, and with whom you’ve been very generous with your heart, your time, and your money — doesn’t feel the same way you do right now. You get to make choices using that information. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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