[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you already know the answer to your question. My question to you is why are you second-guessing yourself? Something is telling you things aren

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You already know the answers to your questions…. Don’t you?

You’ve asked for my opinion, so I’m going to be very frank.

First, you should thank your lucky stars that you’re just dating this woman and not married to her!

You can sit there and analyze things to death and try to determine why she is the way she is, why she said this or that — or why she [i][b]really[/b][/i] did the things that she did (like have the affair with you). But that’s not going to change anything. She is what she is. And [u]she’s clearly is not who you thought she was[/u]. Equally, [u]your relationship with her was not what you thought it was[/u].

Believe it or not, she’s done you a huge favor by letting you see The Real Her. She’s giving you the opportunity to move on and to find someone better for you.

Based upon what you’ve told me, I would recommend that you bite the bullet and cut your losses now… As painful as it is. You need to accept who this woman is and move on.

The truth of the matter is that if someone is going to cheat you simply cannot build a wall tall enough to keep them in. One way or another they are going to find a way to do it.

My experience has been that a cheat is a cheat and a liar is a liar. Someone who has cheated with you is very likely to cheat on you. Equally, where there is one lie (or affair), they are likely several other lies (or affairs).

As hard as it is to hear, the only real solution to this type of situation is to ask yourself if you can trust this person or not. If the answer is no, then you’ve got to ask yourself this next question: [i][b]why would you want to be with someone you can’t trust?[/b][/i]

I am a firm believer that you cannot expect someone — anyone — to show any more respect for you than you show for yourself. If you don’t trust this woman because of her lies, her affairs and her dishonest behavior, then you need to demonstrate that the behavior is unacceptable to you and that you deserve better in the only way that really matters… by giving yourself the opportunity to meet and date someone you can trust.

This woman does not share your values —- you need to find someone who does.

I’m sorry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s an excellent question Angie, one I have been asked so many times that I actually wrote two books on the topic, each full of 50 different ideas for inexpensive, fun and romantic dates — Ideas for a Fun Date and Romantic Date Ideas. Both e-books are available on https://www.AskApril.com

The great things about these books is they tell you exactly what to do and exactly how to do it, leaving nothing for you to have to figure out or guess at. They’re basically a roadmap to romance (on a budget).

There are several samples available for free that you can test out, here they are:

Mamma Mia – That’s Italian! – Here’s how to create a night of Amore (at home)!

Wine Tasting – A spirited way to strike up romance

Auction the Night Away
An art auction is a unique date idea for those who like the finer things (and are on a budget).

Old-School Clubbin’
Spend a day at an exclusive tennis club, even if you aren’t a member.

Goodie Two Shoes – Altruism feels good and it makes you look good, too!

Free Museum – Are you an exhibitionist?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve asked for my opinion, so I am going to give you an honest answer.

Trust your instincts, and listen to that little voice inside your head.

While there is an outside chance that she’s telling you the truth, as you’ve described the situation to me (especially the change in behavior) the explanation does not ring true to me either. That, or perhaps she’s bi-sexual? I’m just throwing that possibility out there, because there are more women than you may think experimenting these days…

Having said all of that, here are the telltale signs that someone is telling you is a lie:

* Information Overload: You ask a simple question and get a complex, long, drawn out, (too) detailed explanation, with way more information than necessary. Liars try to convince by revealing too much information and too many “facts,” rather than conveying a simple answer to a question.

* Informational inconsistencies or lack of logic to statements, the stories seem too dramatic or unrealistic.

* Physical discomfort — blushing, sweating, leg jiggling, scratching a maddening itch.

* Inappropriate body movement — unexplained smirks, inadvertent shrugs, lack of eye contact or shifty eyes, and inappropriate smiles.

* Changes in speech patterns — hesitations, odd phrases, slips of the tongue, or quickened speech.

* Repetition: Repeating questions can be sign of someone buying time to formulate her or his lie.

* A strong feeling that something is not right. If your gut tells you that “something’s up” with what someone is telling you, pay close attention to their behavioral patterns (how a person sits, gestures, looks at you, responds, talks, etc.), listen for inconsistencies in information and watch for too much information — someone who is trying to convince you with too many facts, rather than convey.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It seems odd to me that if they are truly only friends that he would have a problem with you meeting her. Frankly, a good guy with nothing to hide would WANT you to meet his friends and welcome the opportunity to demonstrate that he not only cares about you and your feelings, but that he wants you to feel secure.

On the other hand, if someone is going to cheat you cannot build a wall tall enough to keep them in.

I don’t know how old you are, how serious your relationship is with this guy or where you want it to go, but in my opinion, if you and he are in a mutually exclusive relationship he needs to either introduce you to this “friend” or you need to be prepared to walk away… unless you are willing to live with the feeling of insecurity, doubt and (potential) betrayal.

Personally, I would not want to be with someone that I felt I couldn’t trust.

My advice to you is to listen to your intution… There is a little voice inside you telling saying “something isn’t right”. You need to listen to it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to sit back, take a few deep breathes and let this guy chase you. Do not call him, do not text him, do not email him — unless you are returning his call, text or email — again. Period. In fact, right now you need to “undo” the text you sent him by backing way, way, way off. You went on two dates with the guy and already you’re asking him “where do I stand”?

What you did makes you look needy and desperate. And quite frankly few things will scare men away faster than a needy desperate woman.

Let me explain why…

Men are competitive by nature, and they want to compete to win. They’re hunters. It’s in their DNA. To deny that fact is to deny who men really are. If a woman takes away the opportunity for the man to hunt them, by asking them out, by texting and/or calling them first, by giving the man flowers, or any other act that men traditionally do, the women also take away the opportunity from the man to be the hunter he is. When women make themselves too available by texting, calling, e-mailing, showing up everywhere she knows he’ll be — it’s too easy. It’s like fishing in a pond with a shotgun. No man feels like a real man — or feels good about himself in the long run — after doing that!

Sure, we may all be looking for someone to spend our lives with, but how we go about finding that love is as different as night and day. For better or worse, men are simply programmed to be the aggressors, the pursuers. No matter how enlightened or progressive they may be, if they don

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I actually wrote a column answering a similar question from another reader whose situation was much like yours. I’ve pasted it below:

It is true that acceptance of interracial coupling is increasing

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You already know what I’m going to tell you….

Nonetheless, while it may sound harsh, I’m going to tell you what I think very directly since you’ve asked.

This guy has cheated on you two times (that you’re aware of). Twice you’ve broken up with him and now you’re considering going back, yet again, for more of the same? If you do (go back), you’re doing so with you’re eyes wide open, knowing exactly what you’re going to get. Please do yourself a favor and do not pretend you don’t know, because you do. Why on earth would you even consider that this time would be any different? Because you’ll threaten to breakup with him again?

Listen to that little voice inside you …. What’s it saying?

The more important question to me is, why do you feel like this is the kind of behavior you deserve? If you don’t treat yourself with respect, why should anyone else?

This guy is who he is. He’s told you, and he’s demonstrated it repeatedly… If you go back, you are accepting him — as is.

My suggestion is that you cease all contact with this guy and start dating other men. There are faithful, good men out there, and you need to find yourself one — assuming that is, you want one?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ouch! That really hurts… I’m so sorry.

I realize this is not what you want to hear and it’s going to be hard to imagine it’s true, however her rejection is actually a gift. Who wants to sit around day dreaming about someone who doesn

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I am a firm believer in living by the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

More, I think that people get into the most trouble when they do not listen to that ‘little voice’, and yours is telling you something… Listen to it.

My recommendation is that you write a little note to this guy explaining that while you sincerely appreciate his thoughtfulness, you do not want to mislead him by accepting his very generous gift. Further, you hope that you can continue to enjoy the wonderful friendship you have with him…. Or something along those lines.

There is never a wrong time to do the right thing and the integrity you will be demonstrating will be returned to you in spades.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I lean towards “a”, but with I think there’s something even more important here… I’m afraid that if you continue to hang out with this guy, you will continue to harbor feelings and long for a relationship that will never be.

I realize this is not what you want to hear, however I think that it’s in your best interest to [b]stop hanging out with him.[/b] My suggestion is that you change your habits and start opening yourself up to meeting new people — and specifically men. The best way to eliminate the awkward feeling you have around him, as well as the (potential) pressure he may be feeling, is for you to start dating other guys. Once the focus is no longer on him things will become easier for both of you.

More important than that, you sound like a terrific young woman! And terrific woman are worth something. It’s time for you to move on and to find a guy who values you for the great date and girlfriend you can be! You deserve a great boyfriend (or a great date), not just someone who only likes you as a friend despite the fact that you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please reread your post and then imagine it was your best friend who explained this situation and asked you the same question… What would you say? I think you already know…

My response is one word — [b]RUN![/b]

Cease all contact and get as far away from this woman as you can. There are plenty of sincere single women out there, the woman you described is [i]not[/i] one of them.

Get away from her…[i] FAST![/i]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

For good and for bad, the way you start a relationship determines the way the relationship is going to go. Don

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that your idea and approach is a very good one. It’s non-threatening and still accomplishes the goal of taking the relationship to the next level. One thing is for sure, you need to make your move, or you’ll never know.

If she says no, then you should definitely move on. Rejection is actually a gift. Who wants to be sitting around waiting and wondering about someone who doesn

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your relationship with this guy is a fantasy — it is not reality. You are going to ruin your marriage and likely your life if you continue down the path you are on.

I strongly encourage you to:
— delete all nude photos, both of him and yourself,
— close your facebook account,
— stop ALL contact with him immediately.

1.First of all, regarding the “other” guy, don’t start imagining things like: “Oh! He’s the guy I should have married. He’s my soulmate. We have so many things in common.” More likely than not, it’s simply not true. Online relationships frequently (and quickly) morph into romances because it’s so easy to start believing you have so many things in common with one another and that you’re so compatible. Before you know it you start living in a fantasy world and you imagine that the grass is greener in his yard. It’s an illusion.

2. Second of all, you’re married and you’ve committed (or you are committing) emotional infidelity.

3. Thirdly, and this is what I’m arriving at, these are all signs (mainly you turning towards another guy) that you are not happy and that you’re avoiding the real problem, YOU. Instead of turning towards a guy that’s been out of your life for many years, you should probably develop a deeper relationship with those that really love you. Though your text focuses on the “other” guy, I have the feeling that real issue is your relationship with your husband and your relationship with yourself. Seek help and deal with the real issues. Start off by taking a few natural remedies for depression (non-addictive and less expensive), exercise regularly and try to find pleasure in small things.

Refocus your attention on your husband and your real life. Do this NOW or your husband WILL find out and your marriage as you know it will change forever… if not end. In the long run cheaters never win. And let there be no mistake about it, what you are doing is cheating.

Get out and get involved with an activity that you like in your community. Get a part-time job. Volunteer. Do something nice for someone else (you can start with your husband). There are any number of things you can do to meet people and make new friends.

Stop making excuses and do something positive with your life. An adulterous affair is not the answer to being lonely.

[Member]

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