[April Masini, your AskApril]

You already know the answers to your questions…. Don’t you?

First, you should thank your lucky stars that you’re just living with this woman and not married to her!

Next, you should do whatever you need to do to extricate yourself from the situation and begin the difficult process of moving on with your life… alone for now — and eventually with someone else.

Yes, you can sit there and analyze things to death and try to determine why she is the way she is, or why she did the things that she did. But that’s not going to change anything. She is what she is. And she’s clearly is not who you thought she was. Equally, your relationship with her was not what you thought it was.

Believe it or not, she’s done you a huge favor by letting you see The Real Her. She’s giving you the opportunity to move on and to find someone better for you.

No, there is no hope for your relationship. Bite the bullet and cut your losses now… As painful as it is. You need to accept who she is and move on.

This woman does not share your values —- you need to find someone who does.

I’m sorry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, depending on the type of relationship you are interested in, my response will vary. If you were just interested in casual dating, my response would be completely different than if you were interested in a long term relationship. That said, I’m going to assume you are interested in a long term relationship.

My first piece of advice is — listen to your instincts! Next, I recommend that you give your girlfriend and your relationship some space while you give yourself the opportunity to assess if the two of you are really compatible before you move any further in this relationship. During this process, I think that it’s very important for you to date other women to see what else is out there. After all, you have more than just you to think about.

Parenting styles that differ CAN be a deal breaker when divorced moms date divorced dads. Yes, dating IS more complicated for divorced parents because it’s not just the two of them. It’s the two of them, their kids, their kids’ other parents, other grandparents, etc. When singles date there are certain areas that are important in order to make a relationship work — like religion, socio-economic background and present, sexuality, work ethic, energy levels, etc. If the discrepancy between two singles dating in any of these areas is too great, the relationship may very well not work. When divorced parents date, parenting styles and issues surrounding the children DO count as potential areas of compatibility or deal breakers.

A discrepancy in how a divorced mom parents and disciplines her children can negatively affect her relationship with the divorced dad she is dating if they marry, and it will definitely affect any blended family dynamics, negatively.

My advice is that if you decide to continue to date this woman — [b]proceed with great caution[/b]. I personally think it’s got t-r-o-u-b-l-e written all over it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She has told you exactly what she thinks you should do — you need to date other women.

Whether you like it or not she is in another country for “an undetermined period of time”. Neither you (nor she) should be waiting for the other. And quite frankly, based upon your post I feel certain she is not sitting there, on the other side of the world, “waiting for you”. Yours is a fantasy relationship. You’ve never even met this woman and, again, based upon her comments, you likely never will.

Bottom-line: Regardless of how much you think you have in common — unless you are only looking for a pen-pal type of relationship — I would strongly advise you to stop trying to see more complicated meaning in her remarks than what’s truly there.

She told you:
1) she doesn’t know when (or if) she’s coming back to the US
2) she told you to date other women, and
3) [u]she told you that you should not wait for her.[/u]

[i][b]How much clearer do you need her to be?[/b][/i]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, I’m sorry to say that it sounds like you were dating a guy who enjoys being a “player”… someone who is more interested in the chase and new conquests than relationships.

This, I have no doubt, has been a very painful learning experience. I’m sorry. So, what’s the lesson you may ask? The lesson is to understand that a liar is a lair and a cheat is a cheat. Regardless of what people may say, it is their actions that speak the truth. Based upon your post, this guy has lied to, and cheated on, his previous girlfriends. Thus, it is highly likely that he will lie to and cheat on future girlfriends. In short, the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior. This guy’s past behavior clearly demonstrates who and what he is — a lair and a cheat.

It doesn’t matter who this guy is with – he will lie and he will cheat.

Frankly, he’s done you a huge favor in breaking up with you. He’s allowing you to find someone who is much, much better… someone who doesn’t lie and who doesn’t cheat — someone who values you and a relationship with you.

As for what to do when you see him in the hallway?

Hold your head up high and treat him just like any other acquaintance — no better — no worse. Do not cry. Do not create a scene. Do not pick a fight. Do not do anything … Act completely indifferent. And, very important, do not (under any circumstances) go out with him again should your indifference spark his interest in you again.

Here are a few columns that might be of interest:

Advice for when you find someone else you’re interested in

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First,[u] [b]no, incest is not common or acceptable in the US[/b].[/u]

Second, you are involved in, and (dare I say) considering marriage into, a very, very unhealthy situation.

I would strong advise against continuing any type of relationship with this guy… And to immediately delete from your psyche any thoughts about marrying him. What I would recommend you do is encourage him to get some professional help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please pretend that you are not the person who submitted your question and reread your post. Seriously, please do this. Now, what would you advise a person in your situation?

I’m going to answer your question with the following questions:

Why on earth would you want to get involved in this? You say that you have no trouble dating, thus I cannot imagine why you would want to pursue a relationship with a woman who is illegally in this country, with a deported, alcoholic felon for a husband or (at a minimum) live-in boyfriend — that is the father of her young son.

This woman’s situation and problems are very serious. I cannot discern if you are intrigued by the challenge of the situation, or what the story is. However, there is no getting around the fact that this is very serious stuff.

If you pursue a relationship with this woman, you are electing to get involved with an illegal mess (in every way imaginable) — to say nothing of the ex. Who, trust me, is not going to appreciate you stepping in during his absence.

I think you are inviting trouble, in many forms, if you pursue a relationship with this woman and I would strongly advise against doing so.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to answer your question using your own words… Please reread what she said to you:

[u][b]She cannot move past the initial stage of attraction towards me.[/b][/u] She said this was a timing issue and that [u][b]she was not emotionally available right now[/b].[/u] She said that [u][b]she still thought about her ex like 5 times a day[/b] [/u](“What is he up to…who is he with…blah blah”) She said [u][b]it took her 3 years to get over her boyfriend before that one[/b][/u], and for her finally to begin dating a guy again. [u][b]She said she would be a bad girlfriend right now[/b][/u]. I responded, “I think you would be a great girlfriend.” I wrote her a letter expressing my feelings towards her, and we have talked about it 2 or 3 times, [u][b]but she has held strong in her position.[/b][/u]

This young woman is clearly not over her ex. Equally, she is not interested in nor anywhere near emotionally available to have a relationship with you. She has told you this directly and you are not listening because you do not want to hear her.

Please do yourself a favor and understand that when someone tells you these things you need to accept them — for your own good.

Move on and start dating other women… immediately.

When (and if) this woman becomes ready and interested in more than a friendship with you (assuming she ever does) she’ll let you know. Until then, you are wasting your time — to say nothing of setting yourself up for heartbreak.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can’t help but wonder if you really care about this guy, or if you just like him for what he gives you and he can do for you? Please understand that I’m not here trying to judge you, I just would like to suggest that you be honest with yourself.

The reality is there are no perfect people or perfect relationships… there will always be some sort of compromise that has to be made. That said, this man does appear to be a very, very stabilizing and positive influence in your life. The fact that he’s encouraged you to get off your butt and get a job is fantastic. You should be working, you should be responsible and you should learn to take care of yourself. Being self sufficient instills confidence and provides individuals a most valuable ability — the ability to be free from others restrictions. He (as you know) is also correct about your need to stay away from your prescription drug selling friend… that guy is a very bad influence and an awful association. Equally you appear to have gown into a better person due to your relationship with him … specifically, you are trying not to lie. Liars (generally) become losers… they all get caught, eventually, and subsequently lose the trust and respect of all around them.

Having said all of that, at 21, you are EXTREMELY young… and he’s already has a full life of experience — you haven’t. I also get the feeling that while you say his age doesn’t bother you, statements like: “he’s not stupid at all for his age” lead me to believe otherwise.

For now, I suspect that this man is something of a father figure to you and it appears that he is enjoying playing that role, the way you look up to him and the way he can shape you and your life. In my opinion, as long as you don’t revert to lying — he will stick around. Will it last forever? Time will tell. However, for that to happen it is going to take an enormous amount of work from both parties on an on-going basis. I were a gambling person, my bet would be that you, rather than he, will be the one to eventually leave.

Here’s an interview I did with MSN on this exact topic. I recommend that you read it (it’s free):

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If she’s from your neighborhood someone must know her — and her number. If you want it badly enough, you will find a way to get her number. In life we make our own opportunities.

Equally, it doesn’t matter what she (or anyone else for that matter) thinks. What does matter is that you resolve this one way or the other. Our most valuable commodity in life is time — and you’ve wasted enough of yours on this… find a way to reach her, ask her out and then you’ll know. You won’t have to guess and try and figure out the meaning of this or that anymore.

Frankly, the ones who succeed in life are the ones who have the confidence to take risks and go after what they want (be that in their careers or their personal life.) AND it’s those kinds of men that are the most attractive to women. CONFIDENCE is KING when it comes to attracting women. Trust me.

Here’s an article I think you should read (it’s free):
I also think you could benefit from reading my book Date Out Of Your League.
Why don’t you start by reading some excerpts:

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Try this.. buy a date book, cook a nice romantic dinner and (over candle light) tell him that you’re not going to allow your terrible memory to cause you to miss one more important date between you…. With your new calender in hand, say something like “Here’s how serious I am … I just bought a date book, would you please go through it with me so that we can note all of “our days” together? I don’t want to miss anything important, again. ”

I bet he’ll be touched.

And I’ll bet (if you check your date book daily) you won’t miss another important date either.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, here’s the good news… I’m not going to tell you to just move on. What I am going to tell you is that if you don

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, the good news is you didn’t give him the letter. The bad news is that you called him and while I don’t know exactly what you said, I’m assuming that you basically spilled your guts (so to speak). The good news is you recognize that was not a good move and you won’t do it again. The bad news is you’ve also told him all about the bad luck you’ve had… I’m assuming you meant with men and dating? This too, I’m afraid was a mistake… If you’ve read my columns or my books, you know that everyone (men and women alike) want to date a prize. Meaning, if they think no one else wants you – why should they? Your commiserating with him about your “bad luck” falls under TMI (too much information) – if you want to date the guy. If you’re just interested in being friends with him — it’s fine.

What do you do now? You pull way, way back — I mean completely. The good news is, (yes, there is more good news) it’s only been 2-3 days since you left the message and no immediate reaction doesn’t mean there’s zero hope… What it does mean is that you’re in a weakened position and you’ve got to 100% let him do ALL the pursuing from this point on. If he is interested in you, he will come after you and he will ask you out. If he doesn’t, he’s not the one for you and his non-response is actually a gift — it lets you get on with your life.

Here are a couple of columns that are worthwhile reading (they’re free):

As for how to get over the hurt? Well, I’d be lying if I said there was a quick fix. There isn’t. However, the best thing you could do for yourself, your state of mind, and your future is to get out of the house, get involved with anything/everything that is of interest to you, and put yourself in a position to meet someone new. I would also highly recommend you try online dating.

Finally, get my book Think & Date Like A Man — and read it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to be very frank and I’m sorry if it hurts you, but you really need to hear what I’m saying.

You ask “what do I do”? I’ll tell you what you do… First, you thank your lucky stars that you’re dating this guy and not married to him. Next, you’re going to go and get a HIV test. Then you’re going to do whatever you need to do to extricate yourself from the situation and begin the difficult process of moving on with your life… alone for now — and eventually with someone else.

Yes, you can call him out on it, but that’s not going to change anything. He’s clearly leading a double life. He’s also cheating on you. The reality is he’s gay — and you cannot change that. Equally, (like I told the guy in my last post) if someone is going to cheat you cannot build a wall tall enough to keep them in.

Bite the bullet and cut your losses now… As painful as it is. You need to accept who he really is and move on.

I’m sorry. Truly sorry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to keep this short and sweet. A cheat is a cheat is a cheat. Period. She didn’t do it once, she didn’t do it twice, she did it three times. You have all of the information you need. Either you are going to confront what you’re dealing with or you’re going to keep playing head games with yourself… much like you’re allowing her to do to you.

Frankly, if someone is going to cheat you cannot build a wall high enough to keep them in. If that’s their inclination — you’ve got to accept that’s who they are and move on — or not.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not alone…

Lots of people (dare I say most) at times struggle for “conversation starters”. In fact, that was one of the main reasons I wrote my books, “Ideas for a Fun Date” and “Romantic Date Ideas”. Both of these books not only give you step-by-step instructions on how to plan your date, but they also give you tips on everything from “conversation starters,” to what wear and everything in between. (Both books are available right here on AskApril.com and are great investment in your dating life.)

My suggestion is that from here on out, plan dates that are unusual — dates that are great experiences in and of themselves. By doing so, your dates will give you and your “new significant other” plenty of things to talk about, because the date itself is a conversation starter. Make sense? When you plan dates that are not typical, by default you have created a conversation starter — to say nothing of a great memory. And the truth is, you will also be setting yourself apart from your competiton… you won’t be a typical date. You’ll be the date that your “new significant other” will be talking about!

Try a few of the sample dates I have posted (they’re free) and you’ll see what I mean.

Samples from my book “Ideas For A Fun Date”:

Samples from my book “Romantic Date Ideas:

Let me know how it goes…

[Member]

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