[AskApril Masini]

Your question is complex and I really need to have more information to give you a good and complete answer, however I will do the best I can with what you’ve told me.

I don’t need to tell you … your situation isn’t an easy one. I also don’t need to tell you that you should never push someone in to having sex before they are ready. Equally, I respect and admire someone who is able is maintain wholesome morals and values in a society which has become morally bankrupt… I also admire your desire to maintain your relationship and the respect you are demonstrating towards your girlfriend, her values and your relationship. You are indeed a gem and a rare find!

That said, it is clear that friction and tension will continue to build in your relationship if some sort of relief is not afforded you. And I believe that a compromise is in order.

To that end, I suggest that you have a calm and open discussion with your girlfriend about how the two of you might be able to satisfy your needs, without compromising her values. There are lots of things you can do without actually having sex (you mentioned some of them in your post) and those things will probably need to be explored for this relationship to last. Do not wait until you are in the heat of an argument to have the discussion. Have it when you are both in a calm state or you will likely both become defensive and nothing will get resolved.

While you did not speak to this, I suspect that your girlfriend is religious. If so, perhaps you could explore couples counseling through her church?

You may also want to read through a couple of Dr. Diana Wiley’s columns, here are a few links:
Tips on kissing:
First time sex tips:
Spice up my sex life:
I wish you the best of luck.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m going to cut to the chase and I’m going to be very blunt, because you need to WAKE UP!

You said, “My problem is that I cannot get over what happened.”

Well, you shouldn’t get over it!

What you should do is ask yourself why you want to be with someone who is a chronic, flagrant liar and perpetual cheat. Why on earth would you think that he would not do the exact same thing to you as he did to all of these other women?

— Oh wait, he did!!! —

Frankly, you are either delusional or you are a masochist.

You know exactly who and what this guy is. Acknowledge and accept it!
You say, “I want to believe him but it is so hard.”

Oh, you think?!!

You say, “I am so scared that he is going to do the same thing to me that he has done to ever other girl.”

NEWS BULLETIN: He already has!

[AskApril Masini]

First off, you cannot — I repeat, cannot — return to an abusive relationship. Putting aside the lies, the suspicions, the lack of trust and everything else, that one issue — abuse (mental and physical abuse), is, in and of itself, a deal breaker. Period.

Frankly, even if there wasn’t abuse… I would still suggest you “move on”. You and/or he may have regrets, but that’s not enough to resolve the previous problems and conflicts… and yours are very, very serious ones.

While he may be telling you what you want to hear on the one hand, while implying that you’ve earned another chance with him by “showing him how much you loved him these past few months” (Am I supposed to think lucky you ❓ )– what has HE actually done to demonstrate that he loves you … or has even changed for that matter? Nothing.

Actions, actions, actions. They are all that matter.

Your new conversations may remind you of the good times and your first thoughts may be “Maybe he has changed” and “This is why I fell in love with him in the first place.” But something inside you is telling you that you cannot trust him… DON’T! Listen to your instincts and stop forgetting all about the bad times.

The only way to make a relationship with your ex truly work is have dealt with the underlying issues that caused the break up in the first place. Those issues have to be resolved or the past will simply repeat itself.

[AskApril Masini]

Hi Eve.

You seem like a pretty intelligent women, thus I am certain you already know what I am going to tell you. And that’s why you feel like an idiot…

Stop listening to what he “says” — be that in a text message or otherwise — and base all judgements on what he does. This guy’s behavior has already told you all you need to know. You’ve been pursuing this guy, he has NOT been pursuing a relationship (outside of the “gotta do me” booty call) with you. Stop wasting your time, do not call or text him again — and move on! If he is interested in you he will come after you, he will ask you on a date and he will treat you like someone he wants a relationship with. If he doesn’t — he doesn’t. Period.

Please read the below two columns Eve… They are perfect for your situation.

[AskApril Masini]

I have a multitude concerns about your most recent post — everything from the potential STD/HIV implications, to the severe psychological issues (related to both parties) that ensue from leading a double life filled with questions about sexual preference and infidelity, to lies, betrayal and desire to seek revenge — and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

I do not need to tell you that you in a very, very unhealthy situation, because that is an obvious. If everything you have mentioned — in both posts — is true, it would behoove you to (a) see a doctor and get a check-up and (b) start taking the necessary steps to extricate yourself from this relationship.

You did not tell my why you are unable to work, but I suggest that you aggressively explore and pursue your options for generating income and self-support. While I am not a lawyer, I can tell you that (1) most states are now No Fault Divorce states and (2) long term/permanent alimony is very rarely granted today, especially for a short term marriage.

I also strongly recommend that you join a support group to help you get through this very difficult situation.

[AskApril Masini]

I think you missed the point of the column Jonathan. Perhaps you should read it again? Here’s the link:

I am in no way suggesting that men behave badly or mistreat women. Equally, I am not in support of “bad boys” nor am I encouraging “nice guys” to act like “bad boys”. My goal was, specifically, to point out human nature and to explain (to nice guys) why some women feel, think and behave the way they do… if something (or someone) is too easy to get, it is viewed as less valuable than something (or someone) that is harder to get… If someone is too eager and too available they are perceived as needy or desperate.

And, for the sake of argument, the article could be reversed… The same truths (like them or not) apply to women too.

[AskApril Masini]

I’m afraid you’re not going to like what I have to say… Unfortunately relationships built on lies and dishonesty (like an adulterous affair) continue that way. A cheat is a cheat is a cheat and a liar is a lair. Rarely does a person who lied to and cheated on their wife or husband not repeat that behavior… If someone lies to others and cheats on others with you, why would you think they would not do the same to you? Please don’t tell me it’s because they told you they wouldn’t. Their actions and dishonest behavior have demonstrated their character and their ability to lie and deceive. Their actions have clearly demonstrated who they are and that behavior (more often than not) will be repeated regardless of who they are with.

People can lie, actions and deeds never do.

If you ignore and put off confronting the issues you mentioned, in spite of facts and evidence supporting your suspicions, you are simply delaying what you will eventually be forced to deal with. I suggest you look the devil in the eye and confront the truth — sooner rather than later. 👿

Good luck! April

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