[Alley1700]

Thanks for your response, April. I have seen a doctor, but there is really nothing they can do. It’s just something I have to live with and hope that someone is willing to catch it in order to be with me, which is what I am struggling with. No one wanted me before I had this. Who would want me now?? I let this guy walk all over me, and in the end I have been left all alone while he gets his dream girl. It’s not fair. I know I should have ended things a long time ago, but I was so head over heels for him that I could not bring myself to do it. I was so blinded by love for him and I wanted it to work out so badly that I let him use me. I feel so angry at myself for this. How do I make myself stop thinking about him? I am so caught up in what he is currently doing with her that I literally cannot think about anything else. I am still in so much pain. Should I just start trying to date again to forget about him?

[Alley1700]

Hi April,

Fast forward to a year later. I started talking to this same guy about a month after writing my last post. He had indicated that he was ready for a relationship, so that’s what we started to progress into. From Aug 2014 to around Nov 2014 it was actually going quite well (although I still had not met any of his friends or family, which was a red flag). I asked him to go to a few functions with me, he came to one. I asked him to go to my work Christmas party in Dec 2014 and he said no. He then started to distance himself from me and became inconsistent with his communication again. I had a conversation with him in January 2015 and asked what was going on. I told him I do want to continue with the relationship, and wanted to know if he felt the same way. He didn’t give me a straight answer. He said he would think about everything I said. We didn’t see each other for about a month after that but still kept in touch through text and facebook. I then asked him over for dinner one night and he came. We had sex, then started talking again after that. We fell back into a relationship-like state (although not like it was before when things were good). I wanted him to eventually come around and want to be with me, but I had a really bad gut feeling about the whole thing.
He came over and was going to sleep at my place a few weeks ago. I looked at his phone when he was in the shower and found text messages between him and another woman. I scanned though them and saw a lot of hearts, I miss yous, and I love yous, as well as sexual comments. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I kicked him out and told him not to speak to me again. I found the woman online and sent her a message about it to let her know what was going on. I found her online photos of them both together being happy and doing all the things that I wish he had done for me, including going to HER work Christmas party during the time we were together. He had met her and that’s why he became distant. He didn’t have the guts to tell me he had met someone else so he decided to keep us both. I assumed when we started seeing each other again in Feb 2015 that that meant he was still single. He cheated on both of us. She got mad at him briefly and now they are back together again. Why would she take back someone who has been having sex with someone else for the ENTIRE time they have been together?? Their relationship is built on a foundation of lies and deception. Do you think that they will last? I am never speaking to this man again because he clearly has many psychological and emotional issues. He did give me an STI though so how do I go about finding another man?? How do I bring that up to someone?? He gave me HSV-1. I feel so battered by this and it makes me so sad that someone I respected and cared about could do this to me.

[Alley1700]

Thanks April. I bought the ebook last night! I read the first few chapters… I wish I had read it before I had gotten involved with this guy. I have realized that I make it too easy for guys to chase me. I always thought that it would show my interest if I was always available whenever they called. I also did a lot of the asking him out or asking him to come over. I know not to do that from now on! Thanks for writing this. It’s not that I don’t want to be in a relationship, I painfully do… but it will be a lot harder now with my condition. I am still glad I bought the book.

[Alley1700]

Thanks, April! I was sensing that all along, but I kept making excuses for him in my head thinking that he would come around eventually. When we spoke on Friday I wasn’t feeling well and before we hung up he said he would call to check in on me over the weekend to see if I was feeling any better. He never did and still has not texted or tried to get in touch with me since then. I feel so disheartened to know that someone I shared myself with in such an intimate way could just let me go so easily. But I guess that is just the way men work. My biggest issue with this is that he gave me an STI that I will have for the rest of my life (I was kind of holding onto him because I knew he would be the last man I ever have sex with because of this). I always found it hard to meet and keep men, and this is just the icing on the cake. I now have no hope of ever being with anyone. I am sad to say that I am closing the chapter on my dating life, so unfortunately I will have no need for your book 🙁 I am trying to learn to just be happy with all of my friends and family who do love me. I am going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never have any intimate or romantic love in my life again. I guess I will be searching for a new hobby to focus on instead! 🙂

[Alley1700]

Hi April,

I am in my mid 20s and my guy is in his 30s. I have been seeing this man for 11 months. At first things were going in a relationship direction, but then after a month he told me that he has realized that he has some issues from his childhood that he needs to work on. There are some abandonment issues on his mother’s part and alcoholism on his Father’s. He had some anger issues (which I never saw) and some emotional issues as well that were never dealt with in his life. He said that because of this, he would not be able to be in a relationship right now. He sought help from a therapist who told him that he is not to get into any relationships with anyone until he has gone through therapy. I told him that I completely understand. He said it is not because of me and that he would still like to see me and hang out with me, and then maybe we can pick up where we left off. He said that in the meantime, if I do find someone else that he would not be upset with me for not wanting to wait for who knows how long until he figures himself out.

I really liked him a lot. After this happened, I initially thought that hanging out would mean no sex. We kept hanging out and kept having sex. I didn’t mind because I thought that he still wanted to be with me, he just was not able to make it official or commit right away. I kept waiting and waiting for him to finish therapy so we could be together, but who knows how long that would be. I noticed his interest in me slowly started to fade away. He stopped staying over to my place. He stopped calling me (would only text me, usually only in response to me texting him). He never asked me to meet his friends or to do anything with him outside of my apartment. Our interactions became limited to once every 1-2 weeks and it would only be for an hour or two with sex. He would then immediately leave and not text me until I texted him first. He always blamed it on work, being busy with things, etc. I know he does have a very busy job… he is married to his job in fact. He works more than anyone I have ever seen. But I also believe that you will always make time for the things and people that are important to you. He makes time for the gym, training, his friends, cleaning, reading, etc. Am I right?

Do you think he just doesn’t care about me at all anymore? Has he simply lost interest? Or is he just working on himself and keeping his distance for fear of getting too close to me? I talked to him the other day about it and I said that this setup is not working for me anymore. He said he totally appreciates that I feel that way and he hopes that we can still talk and see each other sometimes. He said that things right now are not stable enough for a relationship with his job and personal issues. He said that maybe in the future when things settle down and if I am not tied up with anyone that we can be together again. Is this a legitimate reason? I have always been told that when a man truly wants to be with a woman, there is NOTHING that will stop him from pursuing her. What do you thing the extent of my involvement with him should be at this point? Should I stand back and not text/call him at all and wait for him to contact me if he wants to see me? Or should I take a “remain friends” stance and text him in a friendly way and have him over for dinner, etc? I want him to know that I still care about him and I want to remain in his life for when he is ready. But I don’t know if that is what he wants… Any suggestions?

Thanks!

[Alley1700]

Thank you both for your responses!

I know it is glaringly obvious that this is not the guy. I know that intellectually. But my heart hurts when I think about gathering up the courage to end things… because I do want to be with him, I just want him to be more attentive, more caring, and be interested in me. I want to give him another chance to show that he can, but I guess you can’t change someone. And you can’t make someone love you. I have felt the passion and warmth of mutual love once before, so I know that this is not the way things are supposed to progress, especially in the beginning. You shouldn’t start out with heartache and confusion. It should be two people wanting to see each other, wanting to do things together, and putting aside other things (within reason) in order to make that happen. I do not feel any of that from this guy, especially over this past weekend where I only saw him for about an hour to have sex. He didn’t even call me yesterday… said he was reading a book on his deck for the whole day. I know I need to break things off… It’s just doing it is the hard part… it’s the “what if”. What if he really did have all these things come up and it’s not his fault that he can’t see me. What if he really does want me and me breaking it off will be a missed opportunity? I will have to have that talk with him. I guess if he really does care for me at all, he will tell me then.

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