[aisukissu]

Been an official couple for 6 months now.

In February we got into an argument and my BF says to me,” you’re such a broken, bitter person who holds grudges. SHEESH!”
(we were in disagreement about how he thought I should be handling the mending of my relationship with my brother-in-law for the sake of my relationship with my sister).
His apology, “I’m sorry for saying those hurtful things. I really didn’t mean them. You just wouldn’t listen to reason.”
Me,” it’s not ok for you to say hurtful things to me because you feel so. Is that how you really see me?”

Last weekend on while on a 3 hour hike, we got into another disagreement. I tell him that who is now was not the person I fell so suddenly in love with back in October. I told him I felt deceived by him.
How?
1. I was a vegan, I practiced yoga everyday, went on daily walks/jogs, thoroughly enjoy the outdoors and I prefer my homecooked/raw meals, do not eat processed or fast food. ( when I offered him to taste my dishes he did even when he clearly didn’t want to, NOW – it’s always a “no” we only eat at places he can eat at. He doesn’t suggest restaurants that are vegan let alone vegan friendly. He tells me I choose to be very complicated when I shouldn’t be. When we do dine at a spot I can eat at we have to go to another for him.
He- complete opposite lifestyle, loves his steak, gym rat, fast food, chips, fried food & sweet drinks= 90% of his diet.
When we met he pursued me for 2 months telling me how much he adores me and (his actions showed this too) how he could see himself with me for the rest of his life and he wouldn’t have an issue adapting to my lifestyle.
I never liked going with him to his family’s events because he didn’t make an effort to accommodate my diet. He assumed if there was salad I should be set (I always had iceberg salad with a side of lemons.) – I noticed a pattern to his ways of “accommodating” my diet when dining with his family and friends. On a trip back to my place after leaving Buca Di Peppo with his family, I asked him to stop by a Del Taco so I could grab some pinto beans. He said to me,” Do you ever feel like you’re making things difficult with how you choose to eat? Wouldn’t it be easier if you just started eating meat again or normal foods?” Me,” I don’t believe so. I’m consistently altering my diet to accommodate you and your family. If this is difficult for anyone, it’s for me. I don’t understand why who I am is bothering you now.”

2. He was let go from his job in executive management after 5 years because the company refused to approve his family leave request, this completely changed who was and is.
Consequently, lost his job, his condo resulting in moving back home to live with his parents. The last time he lived at home was when he was 17 (32 years old now).

3. This brings me back to last weekend on that 3 hour hike.
He told me he doesn’t like to go on new adventures, or any with me anymore because he feels that he can’t be himself with me anymore because I’m too uptight and he’s not having fun anymore…
After I told him I feel like he’s been deceiving me for a really long time, based on the unfolding events in our relationship. He got upset and said to me,” You’re such a sad person. Look at you, you have a sad life. You have no friends. No family. No one. Look at where you are in your life. At least I have have my family and my friends. You have no one.”
…. he apologized later that day. But I couldn’t shake the things he’s chosen to say.

4. Three days ago, when I brought up the 3 hour hike day we needless to say we got into another one.
I told him that I’m still very bothered by the things he said on that day and I don’t know how to move forward. He kept saying that he only said it because he was hurt by me saying he deceived me when he hasn’t. “I can’t even talk to my best friend anymore because of you.” (this is the inappropriate female BFF who he said he was going to create distance to show me how much i really do mean to him, I was afraid he was doing it all for the wrong reasons & not because he truly understood my feelings regarding their inappropriate friendship. This response has confirmed my suspicions of his “solution”)
He’s upset with me for not “forgetting” and “forgiving” him for those and for not taking accountability for provoking him to say those things.

The dilemia:
how do you get over these horrible things said by the person who claims to love you. I feel like he doesn’t make any effort to stop and not say those things. He’s given me a long list of “forget” and he keeps adding to that growing list.
is it okay for him to say hurtful things (that obviously lingers) to me and expects me to forget it and if i can’t I’m the bad “gf who likes drama and hold’s grudges”.
Is it possible to be okay with this?
When do you know when to walk away?
Am I stupid for still staying in this relationship?
How do I get him to understand without him feeling attacked? feeling like a lousy bf?

[aisukissu]

The truth is after being told what I know now, and seeing his actions unfold in her presence I no longer feel that i am the special one in his life – his #1. I feel betrayed, mislead and deceived in every way possible. I am more hurt then angry.

I wanted to clarify some confusions …

The reason I felt his “solution” is a “cop out” is because
1. I don’t want him to resent me for making him choose me or her, that’s not my intention (it wasn’t in March)
2. I feel like he’ll grow fonder of her (he speaks very highly of her already, her natural beauty, her body at this age even after having 2 children and not working out, how much he owes her for the quality friendship, he gets very defensive about her – she was his sister’s (my age also) friend in h.s. first, but the sister dropped her as a friend because she’s only date guys with $$$ and flaunts her materialisticness. some actual examples follow below)

* I forgot to mention, on our way home from her husband’s birthday party, a korean song about a guy who loses the love of his life to another man & he wants to storm in and stop the marriage vows (Wedding Dress by Big Bang) came on, my BF laughs and tells me that the BFF’s husband dedicated that song to him saying that they all knew how much he was in love with the BFF and he lost her to her now husband (REALLY!!!??)…then my BF tells me that BFF told him 5 months prior, her mother-in-law asked her to end their friendship because it’s very inappropriate. Her husband also asked her to end their friendship because he too felt the same way. (my BF’s very giddy around her)

*5 years ago, he was in a snowboarding accident where I almost died. She & her husband drove 2hours to him (his family was in the philippines, grandpa’s funeral, his request for time off to attend was denied by his work.) He told me that she’s seen him naked and even held his penis in her hands to remove the catheder. – I was shocked and confused as to why she needed to see him naked??? and she’s no nurse, how did they allow her to remove such a thing?? why did she need to hold his penis???

*i snooped through his fb messages after their very inappropriate skype conversation display and found their long long chat conversations and (see below) this one took the award for most ingenuine male/female “friendship” – I did this after what he did when we were at the hospital waiting for my son’s surgery. he skyped her from my son’s (10) room.
i asked her about the eliptical machine her husband bought as a bday gift for her, she said she uses it only to hang laundry and laughed. he then said, ” you need to work that ass of yours (draws and cups a buttock with his hand in the air & says UH-HUH – 2x!, UH – HUh. you know how I like it.) she chuckled and said, ” ohh… im korean i don’t have a butt. hahahaaa”
her husband was in the living room while she was in their bedroom.
I was shocked, disgusted and felts disrespected in every way hearing that from my son’s bedside.
the conversation then lead to her telling him to not to wax body hair when on prescription drugs, because she did that & messed up her eyebrows. He responded (pointing to his penis and motioning with his eyebrows up and down),” i only have one area to wax, uh-huh, UUUH-HUH (pointing) you know where too, uuUUH – HUUH.” she laughed and said,” eww your so gross. haha but I know. I know.” – when I told him i felt their conversation was incredibly inappropriate and it disrespected our relationship as well as her marriage he got immediately upset & defensive & told me if I couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of their friendship how he speaks to her is completely normal. BUT when I asked him if he would speak to her exactly like that in front of her husband, he said no. SO, am i wrong??

*in july 2012 he messaged her
Him, “do you miss you?”
her,” i think the question is, do YOU MISS ME?”
him, ” if I was to tell you how much I miss you the whole world would be jealous.”
her -( no response)
him,” fuck it! let the whole world be jealous!! I do miss you!”
her, “i miss you too.”
– I didn’t realize friends speak to one another like this??

*as for the “husband duties”- the seedlings for my bf’s mom, my bf didn’t request for them, she offered to give her extras to his mom since she gardens but wanted him to stop by her house to pick them up. (they literally live 5 driving minutes from each other.)
*she calls/texts him to go over to her house for lunch before her kids get home from school.
*she doesn’t invite him over when the kids are home, or her husband (home after 7-8p M-F)
( I feel like he’s at her beck (she knows this, he’s her little puppy) and call because there’s an emotional affair going on here, one from h.s. that still carries weight to this day. )

My biggest issue here is overcoming this obstacle and “keeping the bigger picture in mind..” I know it’s going to take time to heal from this feeling of not being his #1, but you’re right when you say to take into account his progressive behavior to improve the situation. Also, I do need to change the way I’m handling this, I didn’t realize I was becoming a “warden” and less of his girlfriend, though it got to this point only because I felt dismissed, which I know is hardly justifiable.

The biggest concern for me is, is this all really worth it? He tells me I’m the one. He knows this because ” his heart, mind & soul feels in balance.” And all his family and close friends genuinely loves me (this is a first for him). He also didn’t have to tell anyone of them to be nice to me and “fake it” so I’d be comfortable.
I don’t want to become the controlling gf who’s constantly looking over her shoulder, I refuse to become one.
Can I really dismiss everything up to this point and keep the big picture in mind?
Do I constantly want to be fighting for his affection/attention when she’s in the same room?
But, I suppose that’s a silly question, for only I can answer that.

I really appreciate your insight on this matter. I will keep all you’ve suggested in mind, genuinely. It really shined perspective on this matter for me. These past several months has been very disheartening. I am thankful to have found your website/forum. I am also very thankful for your time.

Regards,
making him want me #i matter #focus on the bigger picture

[aisukissu]

The truth is after being told what I know now, and seeing his actions unfold in her presence I no longer feel that i am the special one in his life – his #1. I feel betrayed, mislead and deceived in every way possible. I am more hurt then angry.

I wanted to clarify some confusions …

The reason I felt his “solution” is a “cop out” is because
1. I don’t want him to resent me for making him choose me or her, that’s not my intention (it wasn’t in March)
2. I feel like he’ll grow fonder of her (he speaks very highly of her already, her natural beauty, her body at this age even after having 2 children and not working out, how much he owes her for the quality friendship, he gets very defensive about her – she was his sister’s (my age also) friend in h.s. first, but the sister dropped her as a friend because she’s only date guys with $$$ and flaunts her materialisticness. some actual examples follow below)

* I forgot to mention, on our way home from her husband’s birthday party, a korean song about a guy who loses the love of his life to another man & he wants to storm in and stop the marriage vows (Wedding Dress by Big Bang) came on, my BF laughs and tells me that the BFF’s husband dedicated that song to him saying that they all knew how much he was in love with the BFF and he lost her to her now husband (REALLY!!!??)…then my BF tells me that BFF told him 5 months prior, her mother-in-law asked her to end their friendship because it’s very inappropriate. Her husband also asked her to end their friendship because he too felt the same way. (my BF’s very giddy around her)

*5 years ago, he was in a snowboarding accident where I almost died. She & her husband drove 2hours to him (his family was in the philippines, grandpa’s funeral, his request for time off to attend was denied by his work.) He told me that she’s seen him naked and even held his penis in her hands to remove the catheder. – I was shocked and confused as to why she needed to see him naked??? and she’s no nurse, how did they allow her to remove such a thing?? why did she need to hold his penis???

*i snooped through his fb messages after their very inappropriate skype conversation display and found their long long chat conversations and (see below) this one took the award for most ingenuine male/female “friendship” – I did this after what he did when we were at the hospital waiting for my son’s surgery. he skyped her from my son’s (10) room.
i asked her about the eliptical machine her husband bought as a bday gift for her, she said she uses it only to hang laundry and laughed. he then said, ” you need to work that ass of yours (draws and cups a buttock with his hand in the air & says UH-HUH – 2x!, UH – HUh. you know how I like it.) she chuckled and said, ” ohh… im korean i don’t have a butt. hahahaaa”
her husband was in the living room while she was in their bedroom.
I was shocked, disgusted and felts disrespected in every way hearing that from my son’s bedside.
the conversation then lead to her telling him to not to wax body hair when on prescription drugs, because she did that & messed up her eyebrows. He responded (pointing to his penis and motioning with his eyebrows up and down),” i only have one area to wax, uh-huh, UUUH-HUH (pointing) you know where too, uuUUH – HUUH.” she laughed and said,” eww your so gross. haha but I know. I know.” – when I told him i felt their conversation was incredibly inappropriate and it disrespected our relationship as well as her marriage he got immediately upset & defensive & told me if I couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of their friendship how he speaks to her is completely normal. BUT when I asked him if he would speak to her exactly like that in front of her husband, he said no. SO, am i wrong??

*in july 2012 he messaged her
Him, “do you miss you?”
her,” i think the question is, do YOU MISS ME?”
him, ” if I was to tell you how much I miss you the whole world would be jealous.”
her -( no response)
him,” fuck it! let the whole world be jealous!! I do miss you!”
her, “i miss you too.”
– I didn’t realize friends speak to one another like this??

*as for the “husband duties”- the seedlings for my bf’s mom, my bf didn’t request for them, she offered to give her extras to his mom since she gardens but wanted him to stop by her house to pick them up. (they literally live 5 driving minutes from each other.)
*she calls/texts him to go over to her house for lunch before her kids get home from school.
*she doesn’t invite him over when the kids are home, or her husband (home after 7-8p M-F)
( I feel like he’s at her beck (she knows this, he’s her little puppy) and call because there’s an emotional affair going on here, one from h.s. that still carries weight to this day. )

My biggest issue here is overcoming this obstacle and “keeping the bigger picture in mind..” I know it’s going to take time to heal from this feeling of not being his #1, but you’re right when you say to take into account his progressive behavior to improve the situation. Also, I do need to change the way I’m handling this, I didn’t realize I was becoming a “warden” and less of his girlfriend, though it got to this point only because I felt dismissed, which I know is hardly justifiable.

The biggest concern for me is, is this all really worth it? He tells me I’m the one. He knows this because ” his heart, mind & soul feels in balance.” And all his family and close friends genuinely loves me (this is a first for him). He also didn’t have to tell anyone of them to be nice to me and “fake it” so I’d be comfortable.
I don’t want to become the controlling gf who’s constantly looking over her shoulder, I refuse to become one.
Can I really dismiss everything up to this point and keep the big picture in mind?
Do I constantly want to be fighting for his affection/attention when she’s in the same room?
But, I suppose that’s a silly question, for only I can answer that.

I really appreciate your insight on this matter. I will keep all you’ve suggested in mind, genuinely. It really shined perspective on this matter for me. These past several months has been very disheartening. I am thankful to have found your website/forum. I am also very thankful for your time.

Regards,
making him want me #i matter #focus on the bigger picture

[aisukissu]

The truth is after being told what I know now, and seeing his actions unfold in her presence I no longer feel that i am the special one in his life – his #1. I feel betrayed, mislead and deceived in every way possible. I am more hurt then angry.

I wanted to clarify some confusions …

The reason I felt his “solution” is a “cop out” is because
1. I don’t want him to resent me for making him choose me or her, that’s not my intention (it wasn’t in March)
2. I feel like he’ll grow fonder of her (he speaks very highly of her already, her natural beauty, her body at this age even after having 2 children and not working out, how much he owes her for the quality friendship, he gets very defensive about her – she was his sister’s (my age also) friend in h.s. first, but the sister dropped her as a friend because she’s only date guys with $$$ and flaunts her materialisticness. some actual examples follow below)

* I forgot to mention, on our way home from her husband’s birthday party, a korean song about a guy who loses the love of his life to another man & he wants to storm in and stop the marriage vows (Wedding Dress by Big Bang) came on, my BF laughs and tells me that the BFF’s husband dedicated that song to him saying that they all knew how much he was in love with the BFF and he lost her to her now husband (REALLY!!!??)…then my BF tells me that BFF told him 5 months prior, her mother-in-law asked her to end their friendship because it’s very inappropriate. Her husband also asked her to end their friendship because he too felt the same way. (my BF’s very giddy around her)

*5 years ago, he was in a snowboarding accident where I almost died. She & her husband drove 2hours to him (his family was in the philippines, grandpa’s funeral, his request for time off to attend was denied by his work.) He told me that she’s seen him naked and even held his penis in her hands to remove the catheder. – I was shocked and confused as to why she needed to see him naked??? and she’s no nurse, how did they allow her to remove such a thing?? why did she need to hold his penis???

*i snooped through his fb messages after their very inappropriate skype conversation display and found their long long chat conversations and (see below) this one took the award for most ingenuine male/female “friendship” – I did this after what he did when we were at the hospital waiting for my son’s surgery. he skyped her from my son’s (10) room.
i asked her about the eliptical machine her husband bought as a bday gift for her, she said she uses it only to hang laundry and laughed. he then said, ” you need to work that ass of yours (draws and cups a buttock with his hand in the air & says UH-HUH – 2x!, UH – HUh. you know how I like it.) she chuckled and said, ” ohh… im korean i don’t have a butt. hahahaaa”
her husband was in the living room while she was in their bedroom.
I was shocked, disgusted and felts disrespected in every way hearing that from my son’s bedside.
the conversation then lead to her telling him to not to wax body hair when on prescription drugs, because she did that & messed up her eyebrows. He responded (pointing to his penis and motioning with his eyebrows up and down),” i only have one area to wax, uh-huh, UUUH-HUH (pointing) you know where too, uuUUH – HUUH.” she laughed and said,” eww your so gross. haha but I know. I know.” – when I told him i felt their conversation was incredibly inappropriate and it disrespected our relationship as well as her marriage he got immediately upset & defensive & told me if I couldn’t possibly understand the dynamics of their friendship how he speaks to her is completely normal. BUT when I asked him if he would speak to her exactly like that in front of her husband, he said no. SO, am i wrong??

*in july 2012 he messaged her
Him, “do you miss you?”
her,” i think the question is, do YOU MISS ME?”
him, ” if I was to tell you how much I miss you the whole world would be jealous.”
her -( no response)
him,” fuck it! let the whole world be jealous!! I do miss you!”
her, “i miss you too.”
– I didn’t realize friends speak to one another like this??

*as for the “husband duties”- the seedlings for my bf’s mom, my bf didn’t request for them, she offered to give her extras to his mom since she gardens but wanted him to stop by her house to pick them up. (they literally live 5 driving minutes from each other.)
*she calls/texts him to go over to her house for lunch before her kids get home from school.
*she doesn’t invite him over when the kids are home, or her husband (home after 7-8p M-F)
( I feel like he’s at her beck (she knows this, he’s her little puppy) and call because there’s an emotional affair going on here, one from h.s. that still carries weight to this day. )

My biggest issue here is overcoming this obstacle and “keeping the bigger picture in mind..” I know it’s going to take time to heal from this feeling of not being his #1, but you’re right when you say to take into account his progressive behavior to improve the situation. Also, I do need to change the way I’m handling this, I didn’t realize I was becoming a “warden” and less of his girlfriend, though it got to this point only because I felt dismissed, which I know is hardly justifiable.

The biggest concern for me is, is this all really worth it? He tells me I’m the one. He knows this because ” his heart, mind & soul feels in balance.” And all his family and close friends genuinely loves me (this is a first for him). He also didn’t have to tell anyone of them to be nice to me and “fake it” so I’d be comfortable.
I don’t want to become the controlling gf who’s constantly looking over her shoulder, I refuse to become one.
Can I really dismiss everything up to this point and keep the big picture in mind?
Do I constantly want to be fighting for his affection/attention when she’s in the same room?
But, I suppose that’s a silly question, for only I can answer that.

I really appreciate your insight on this matter. I will keep all you’ve suggested in mind, genuinely. It really shined perspective on this matter for me. These past several months has been very disheartening. I am thankful to have found your website/forum. I am also very thankful for your time.

Regards,
making him want me #i matter #focus on the bigger picture

[Member]

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