[ncsaturn]

Do you think as your outward appearance has changed you have kept what you think is the past unattractive image of yourself? I used to weigh 120 lbs, then I went up to 210. I just had a hard time reconciling the difference in my appearance. I lost almost 60 pounds but I still had the unattractive image of myself.

It also seems you have a lot of negative self speak going on. I say this especially in regards to you put in after thoughts of your sentences. It feels like you are saying “I want to say I know I am not right before you can say it. I know I am wrong”. If you are beating yourself up…try to stop.

Good luck. It really is tough to get someone out of your thoughts at times. It can seem like a bad tape loop.

[ncsaturn]

Your idea of focusing on yourself is a GREAT idea! If you don’t respect yourself, why would anyone else? Also having a strong sense of self will help you weather the tough times. A couple of thoughts on that relationship…I don’t think it seals “the relationship deal” until you have met in person. It seems you made many assumptions early on about this “relationship”. Listen when someone tells you something! If he told you your reaction really freaked him out, it really freaked him out. Don’t beat a dead horse. Just say “I am sorry” and not go into the other stuff…it just confirms the reasons about why he should be freaking out! The birthday deal should have been a deal breaker…on Facebook and didn’t make time to say Happy Birthday? Too busy to text 13 letters of HAPPY BIRTHDAY(14 if you include the space). He treated you poorly and you accepted it. Work on yourself and you will find you won’t be so willing to put up with this. I know people that are the emotional equivalent of the people in “Flip this house”. You can see the possibilities. You make the plans. You make the investment. The house will be beautiful and you will be able to bask in the glory of a job well done and reap the benefits of all your hard work…People are not houses. It is really tough to fix a person. Don’t try to be a “person flipper” and avoid the fixer uppers. It is also tough to “flip” a relationship when it is built on a shaky foundation, or has been showing signs of significant deterioration for a long time. The other thing…and I have done this, I make it a relationship in my own mind. Very similar to being a legend in your own mind. How it works. I want a relationship. Someone gives me some attention. We have sex. Wow, this is a relationship and I love the person. Well, in the strictest interpretation, it is a relationship. The kind I want or need, no. It is really a hit it and quit it, or a series of one night stands with the same person.However it is all I have right now, so mentally I turn it into something it’s not. Ends up breaking my heart every time. To the other person, it is what it really is…sex with someone that is willing to settle for it. Doesn’t really matter to him I am deluding myself, he still gets laid. In this scenario, I am the bad guy because I am hurting myself. Don’t make a relationship in your mind.

[ncsaturn]

I have wondered about your insecurities as I have read through the posts. Do you think you should have to feel this way in a relationship? People say one thing but if their actions are not inline with what they are saying…that is usually a bad sign. I think it has reached the end. If you are interested in a relationship the more time you spend in a dead end already over relationship keeps you from finding a fulfilling, healthy relationship. You might not want to immediately jump into another relationship, but take time to figure out why you were willing to tolerate this and is this a pattern for many of your past relationships? Listen to what men say…if he says “several people have had problems with this friendship”, this might be a red flag that the relationship is an ongoing problem and he is willing to sacrifice other relationships for the friendship. Will he be able to put someone else first

[ncsaturn]

Do you really think his phone dies every weekend just when he is out with this particular person, or he doesn’t get the texts? Especially if you message him a second time and you don’t hear back, he is ignoring your message. The fact this is happening regularly is telling. He is ignoring you for some reason. If you tell him how you feel, using “I” messages…I am feel upset when I don’t hear from you”. “I am unhappy with what seems to be a pattern with my messages being unanswered”. What do you think is behind him not answering? On the flip side, sometimes people need some space. If this is the only thing that seems amiss, maybe you need to let it go for a little bit.

[ncsaturn]

Part of her choice may have been based your ambivalence. Half of me is happy, half of me is sad. It indicated it did not matter one way or the other. She can’t read your mind. So given a 50/50 choice, she made the choice she wanted. You basically said it doesn’t matter to me then became upset when she made the choice based on what she wanted, not the vague response you gave. Say what you want! “I am glad you got a job offer you think is interesting, but I have really enjoyed our time together, it has helped our relationship grow. I am concerned with the time constraints of the new job we will lose the time that has seemed so important”. Another thought, could you change your job to meet the time elements of her new job and would you want to?

[ncsaturn]

Many times when we ask questions when we already know the answers, but just want some reassurance we are making the right choice. You have been very available and supportive. Now this person is making choices indicating she is pulling away for whatever reason(and they are hers, and probably not based on anything you have or haven’t done). The choice to have a job that severely decreases the amount of time you spend together when you believed it was great for the relationship is very telling. Calmly tell her your concerns again, framing them in the “I”…I am unhappy we won’t spend so much time together. I am worried there is a problem I am not aware of, I am going to have to think about what these changes mean to me, etc. Don’t make the conversation about the blame. Don’t get drawn into the argument, many times people use that as a smoke screen to avoid the real issue. “I want this to be a conversation” when things get heated. Also the “you talk, I talk, then we discuss the differences” used during mediation can be helpful. Sometimes we never get clarity from the other person and we just have to make the best choice for you. It may involve ending the relationship if it has become unhealthy and a long term drain for you emotionally.

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