[cainsim74]

First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking your time to reply to my posts. Obviously I’ve been out of the dating scene for quite a while and I should have thought this out out from the beginning with much more care. I’m kicking myself for violating one of the most fundamental rules right of the gate – don’t appear too eager too early.

I’m sorry if I sound thick but I’m a bit confused by your response to my quoted texts:

“They wouldn’t. And, she is. But it probably has nothing to do with you.”

Does that mean they wouldn’t act like this even if were extremely angry but she is acting like that OR do you mean no one would be getting this angry or hateful over this situation in the first place but she is?

Of course it’s time to move on – If someone won’t even talk to you, what else can you do?

The thing that concerns me more than anything is that we share a big group of friends that are very close and hang out socially quite a bit. In fact play in a band (and my previous band) with one of her best friends who she refers to as her brother and his wife is even closer to her than she is. These two people mean a lot to me. I can already tell a lot of people have got wind of us possibly getting together and have been talking. Now, if she’s completely pissed off at me, she’s going to talk and if the word gets out that I’m some kind of creep or loser (which I’m not in any shape or form and I would resent the hell out of that), how’s that going to make these people feel or see me? Or even worse, what if there are other ladies in this group of mutual friends that might be datable in the future? Or friends of friends in that might be datable and now those chances might not be options because of this situation? This is a big, big deal to me. I don’t live the most ‘normal’ life style for someone my age and besides dating (obviously) I’ve got my act together and I feel it’s a blessing that I’ve found a group of people who I feel share a lot in common with and who also have their acts together. I’ve been in two back to back long term relationships (my wife and previous girlfriend) where mixing friends and family always caused problems and I can’t take another situation like that. The next relationship I’m in, I’ve resolved to find someone who’s more laid back and fit’s in with my current life style much better that my wife and previous girlfriend did. That’s one big reason I felt this ‘Ann’ would have been a rare opportunity. At 44, I feel like the chances of finding someone like that on any internet dating sites is a complete joke.

That’s why I wish she would talk to me so badly right now, so I can diffuse any situation like this from developing and just KNOW for sure if she’s angry, freaking out, or (I could only hope this would the case) she’s taking a break to slow things down. I feel it’s crucial that I talk to her about this at some point for damage control purposes but how do I do it, how long should I wait?

[cainsim74]

My question is this:

She almost sounds hateful at this point. Why would anyone act like this unless they were extremely angry? Since we have so many mutual friends it’s going to be completely awkward and I don’t know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there. Should I at least ask her maybe a few weeks later after some of this has blown over, or just risk having a night ruined because of bad vibes?

[cainsim74]

Sorry about the anti dating rant – was in a bitter mood.

The only reason I felt comfortable going over to her house that night was, twice that week she thought I was in town and kept asking “are you stopping by” and those were nights she had her daughter. Also, she’s invited me to her house a few times when her daughter was over so I assumed this one time, when I was in town, I could stop by. Now, stopping by is different than spending the night and I get that and respect that to the upmost and would honor that religiously from here on out. It has to be noted too that she said to stop by the store and get some wine and we partied a bit which was the main reason I asked so I didn’t drive under the influence. I do feel I could be give a bit of forgiveness for that – especially after apologizing at least 3 times.

As far as slowing things down. I’ve I feel like I HAVE been moving pretty slow except for the one text I sent. Now her, I would say no not in any shape or form. She verbally says that, but let’s recap the facts.

1. She asked me out on a date.
2. When she asked me out on the date, she said to call her to hang out as well anytime and invited me over to her house to hang out (while her daughter was there) that friday.
3. Before Xmas, she kept talking about going on trips with her and even going to stay at a beach house with her and her daughter.
4. When I got back from Xmas, she again, approached me first and kept asking about my “situation” with my wife.
5. More talks about going on a trip together, in fact, one trip would be our “divorce celebration” trip
6. She invites me to a show and says if I show up, it will be her b-day present.
7. When we hang out at her house and I leave, she calls me and has be come back and let’s me sleep with her and make out.
8. after the show, we hang out again, second night in a row and I sleep over again, more make out sessions
9. The next morning, she texts me and says how much fun she had.
10. She texts me and says “you make me smile, I’m into you for sure”
11. Asks repeatedly, if I’m coming over to see her.
12. Tells me the marriage is the ONLY obstacle and if it wasn’t for that, we’d be together and said “We’d have been ****ing all over this damn house by now if you weren’t married”
13. Keeps telling me all the ways we might be compatible.
14 Asks me questions like “am I too young for you”
15. She tells me how her best friends were telling her we would be good for each other and that they NEVER say that about any guy.

So aside from my text saying “I was kinda missing her” and asking if I could stay the night, that’s really all the “rushing” and pushing things that I’ve done. I’ve been trying to actually move pretty slow and I’ve said that many, many times.

I really was fine being on my own, working on myself, working through what I’ve been through in the last few years. I’ve been doing a lot of counseling to work on areas where I feel I went wrong in my marriage. I had no desire to date unless it was something exceptional and I mean EXCEPTIONAL.

I really do feel like the worst thing I could do is contact her at this point. If she contacts me that would be great but I feel like I’m being treated almost with a high degree of disdain right now for asking to spend the night and really don’t feel like it’s fair. I’ve apologized 3 times over text and she won’t reply to any of them and never said she would try to call me back to talk like she planned on Wed and didn’t even apologize. It feels almost hateful and we have so many mutual friends it’s going to be completely awkward and I don’t know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there.

[cainsim74]

So basically, it looks like asking to stay the night was the deal killer. I finally got a text from her 4 days later saying “
I’m sorry, things are weird now. I should have never let you come over when **** is home. It’s my #1 of being a mom. Never, ever will a guy be at our home when she is home. This is her safe place, and that means no over night guests unless I have prepared her for it. That situation made me realize that I need to take things waaaaaay slow. And maybe I’m still not ready to let another person into our lives”.

I apologized and said totally understood told her I was going to ask her if I should leave her alone. and that I felt like I crossed the line. She said we would call me on Wednesday night and said “We are cool, I promise. Lets just chill for a minute and kind of start over”

She never called and by midnight, I just said I was going to make myself scarce. All she said in the morning was “I was already asleep”.

So with that, it’s a big F*** the whole thing she won’t hear from me again. I can’t see for the life of me why people like dating. It’s never meant anything to me except waste time and money so you can feel like shit.

[Member]

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