[Layla55]

Thanks for making me think and the suggestions.

I am still online dating, who knows, maybe one day someone will turn out to be in real life someone I do actually click with.

I do need time to wallow. I know from past experience that smiling and telling yourself it doesn’t matter works for a while, but sooner or later I collapse big time from the effort of holding it together. This week will be to recover, talk to my friends, eat cake and drink wine, and hopefully start to smile again. The decision has been made, I’ve told him I want to leave it now and he hasn’t responded because he knows there is nothing he or I needs to say now.

The quote you gave about someone being Mr Right Now but not Mr Right made sense. I could let him continue being Mr Right Now if I wanted, but that time has come to an end now.

So if someone is a friend, and then we start having sex with them, is it impossible to still have a friendship? The friendship with this guy was complicated by the fact we had had a relationship (a “proper”! relationship) initially and became friends only after I moved away and we were both with new partners. But I think I would have called him a friend still, despite the recent sex. And I think we should have resisted the urge to be intimate again, and have stayed friends, because we can’t go back to that now. I’ll miss the butterflies that went in my tummy when he used to kiss me, but I’ll also miss being able to ring him for a lift home if it’s raining and I’m without car, being able to stop by his for a cup of coffee and a chat when I’m down, or him bringing me my supermarket shop if I’m poorly like last week! Will also miss the laughter 🙁

You’ve reassured me I made the right decision yesterday in letting it go.

[Layla55]

I don’t think I’m lazy, although sometimes wish I was, lazy people seem so content!! Instead of always chasing after the next thing, but I guess that’s my nature, grass is always greener. My work, although satisfying, is very solitary. Simply isn’t an opportunity to co-work more. Oh and as for a company cafeteria … I work in 3rd sector lol. I’ve only just realised this is a US site, 3rd sector in UK is a horrifying place to be working in this era not sure if US is the same! Hence desperately seeking a new job, but that’s a whole new area.

What are pot luck dinner parties? I do host dinner parties but are these a special kind?

It’s only been friends with benefits for the last 6 months, 4 months of which I enjoyed and frankly needed to give me confidence back as a sexual person after the abusive guy I met last year and dated. So I know it is the right thing now in walking away before any other feelings develop more. But don’t we need to allow ourselves to accept that we’re feeling awful, sometimes, and that we [i]are[/i] going to miss someone before the time passes that means we have moved on? Doesn’t mean we can’t start doing things to heal ourselves, but I know I have tried to be strong in the past and pretended I don’t care, for it all to collapse in on me months later. Fact is I do care and I will miss him. He may not be Mr Right but he was a friend, and a loss of a friend – with benefits or not – is always something I grieve for. As I don’t have family my friends are very special to me.

So maybe the lesson should have been to continue accepting that it was only a friendship and our relationship we once had was buried. The chemistry was so strong though, once we were both single and living near each other again. I should have been stronger than the chemistry, and not instigated it. But I think it’s also important to find good things to be able to move on, and I guess I have got my confidence back when it comes to intimacy and I know I will meet new dates feeling once more an attractive woman.

Just rambling now! Sorry. It’s been good to ramble though.

[Layla55]

Thanks for your thoughts, it does help.

I only ever intended this guy to give me some confidence when I see him, to unlease some stresses with and enjoy company of his friendship. I know I am slipping into, or have already slipped into, wanting more from him so I know it is the right thing in walking away. I know I will miss him so much though, which is the horrible bit. We’ve been in touch for over 7 years now, through the initial relationship, us both moving on briefly to other people, the friendship and then the last few months casualness part. I hate hate hate the feeling of not seeing him again. I also know a huge part of me is praying that by me walking away, he will miss me just as much and come back to me wanting commitment. And I don’t know how to banish those feelings? Just knowing it is extremely unlikely is not doing enough in banishing them.

I can’t ever imagine meeting 30 new guys a week! I drive to work, so no commute. I work full time and then some, to make ends meet (as the double dip has hit me extremely hard in the last year …. but finances are another matter!). So I have no spare cash. At All. To do anything like join a gym or go out much. I do have a big hobby which is dance – classes and performing. But 99% of the guys I meet through that are gay! I don’t have family around me. My friends are great but never seem to know anyone to introduce me to. Just doesn’t seem to happen these days like it did when I was 24, not 34. So I have been proactive in the online dating thing, but no even hint of meeting anyone suitable. I know I am losing hope, I did have it when I started the online thing 6 months ago. I guess as I have not met anyone I click with, it is also what is making me change my feelings towards the guy I know I do like, but is unavailable to me?

My house is as nice as it can be. My job is satisfying but pay cuts have not helped, I’m looking desperately for something with more salary. I just wish I had some support in all of this.

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