Just an update — and probably my last now that I think about it. :/
Today we met up and hung out, chatted some, laughed and flirted a bit. We discussed how we felt about each other a bit as well — seemed to go good. I have been acting like my normal self and being happy like I used to be. I honestly feel bad about the situation though because it was my problem that caused this. I could still tell she was hurt too and she told me she has being feeling blue. Despite this I kept up my cheerful demeanor during our meeting. As we were about to part ways she gave me a long hug, felt like it was a bit more than a “just friends” embrace but maybe I am being optimistic.
Afterwards while I was heading home I was feeling bummed by the situation. I am not sure if it was a good idea to send her this message or not — it is my honest feelings about the ordeal though:
“I’m not really that happy, I am confused. Part of me wants to sever contact for good and leave you for good because you don’t deserve the pain of having to wonder if I am going to hurt you again after how I abused and disrespected you. The only thing giving me the will to not walk away is because I know that isn’t who I am when I’m not drugged up like I was back then.”
The above words have been on my mind for a bit over a month. I try to look at this from her perspective and it must seem like I am just trying to put on my good shoes so I can get back in the door. I feel bad for hurting her especially because of it took so long to realize what was giving me the constant anxiety, extremely bad sinus headaches almost every other day and the sour mood I would be in when coming down.
After I sent that message I decided I should probably just delete her from my phone and such so I wouldn’t make anything worse.
Did I make a poor choice by sending that message — especially if I am hoping to get back together with her?
