[vkleinstu]

Boooo… 🙁 As much as I don’t want to hear it, my life experience tells me that you are right. It just sucks because I really want to be there for her. I hate having to play games to get what I want.

Thanks for your help. She’s been acting a bit off and not talking to me as much since we went to New Year’s Eve dinner with two other couples, so I guess I will take this opportunity to take your advice.

[vkleinstu]

I guess the last word that I will try to get in on this and then shutup and listen is… All of the guys that I know of that she has dated/married have been friends first, including her daughter’s father and ex-husband. In the case of her ex-husband, they kept in touch over a 10 year period and he proposed to her when she was at home visiting.

I ain’t got 10 years. Not trying to have no babies at 40 (me) and 43 (her). Lol.

[vkleinstu]

Yea… That’s what I was afraid of. The thing is, when I was dating other girls, while waiting for the divorce to be finalized, she kept getting really jealous and calling 5 times during dinner, etc. Then, when I would talk to her about the girl that I was dating and talk about what we did, like going hiking and snorkeling, she said, “I like to do those things too”… But because she always keeps herself busy, we never have time to do those things. She is intent on the fact that once her daughter’s dad leaves in March or April, that things will be different, but I don’t see it because then she will (hopefully) have her daughter full time again, which will give her less time to do those types of things. Of course if that means more time for me to be in the picture, I am fine with that, but her logic seems less than logical.

I know with her ex-husband, she always says that he didn’t understand that the way to her heart was through her daughter, and tried to buy her instead. I don’t even have to try… the kid thing comes naturally for me.

Is it honestly possible that she just isn’t ready for a commitment and is trying to keep me close until she is? She has on one occasion, after we had dinner with her other friend that wants to date her, reassured me that she is not into dating black guys anymore. It was good to know, but I didn’t know how to respond. He has been trying to get her to be fuck buddies since she was still married. The night we went out to dinner he was very aggressive towards me after she chose to ride in my car instead of his when we were driving to dinner. It was kind of high school-ish, and he kept making comments at dinner that she should test drive the next guy she dates before she marries him, etc, and looking at me to see my reaction. I might have kicked his ass on the spot, but he’s a cop and twice my size.

Are there actually women out there that would just ask someone that they only want to be friends with in the long run to go on a vacation with her and her daughter, to fly home with her when she leaves (I’m from Michigan, she is from Ohio), and to follow her to Connecticut when I leave here, etc, but at the same time hold them back from finding someone else?

On the converse, are there actually women that quite literally mean what they say when they tell you “maybe when this is all over”, or “it’s not the right time”? I just don’t get it because she is so hot and cold all the time, there is no consistency. I know her Dad and her boss have told her to stay away from men right now because of everything that she has going on. Her response to her boss when talking about the “situation” with me as he referred to it, was that “she hasn’t been this happy in a long time”. At least those were her words to me when she was explaining the conversation.

In any event, I will go the route of making myself less available. I’m just afraid that less available because I am out with other girls is probably not the way to go. Her ex-husband was liar and a cheater, and I don’t feel like she is into someone that is out with other girls all the time.

Anyway, thanks. Ya’ll are too confusing at times… When I say something, I mean it! Lol. It sucks too because not having been out there while my marriage withered away over the last 5 years makes it even more difficult.

[vkleinstu]

Since there is no response, I will add to this. One of the biggest things she complained about with her ex husband was that he was always stealing the show with her daughter. She has almost no pictures of her and her daughter alone from their time together. Every time we do something with he daughter, I make sure to take plenty of pictures of the two of them and send them to her at the end of the night. After a night at Chuckee Cheese, I had sent her 20 or so pictures, and on my way home I was shocked when she sent a picture of me playing the Whack-a-mole game with her daughter. I know it may seem unimportant to some, but I am very happy that she shares the most precious part of her life with me.

When we go out with her daughter, almost every time people end up thinking that I am her dad, and have even said “Mom and Dad” on several occasions. In the beginning, we would correct them, now I just shrug it off in order to avoid an awkward conversation. Even our mutual friends are amazed at how her daughter acts towards me. On Christmas, one of my good friends, his wife, and son came to her house for dinner. I had recently introduced her to them because their son is 5 and I thought it would be nice for her to have more friends with kids to socialize, and because they are really good friends of mine. Also, she is Taiwanese, and my friends are Korean- yes I realize that not all Asians are the same. What is funny though, is that she said spending time with them (because they are older) reminds her of being with family, specifically her dad, which she misses very much. Anyway,the husband was so amazed at how her daughter reacted when I pulled up to the house. She was out on the balcony, and when I pulled up in my car she started yelling for me to come inside. When I got to the top of the stairs she ran over and gave me a hug and told me she loves me, and that we need to go play.

Sometimes things are great and we spend time together almost every day, and then she will seem to pull back and not call as often for a few days, which is lately when her daughter is at home. But when I say that she can easily call me 5 times throughout the day, that is not an exaggeration. It is usually just to see how I am doing, or what I am up to, or just to talk. On the weekends, when she is home with her daughter, the calls are not as frequent. I typically tend not to call her that often, because I am trying to do things on her terms and not interrupt the natural order of her day. I will typically send her texts throughout the day, and she calls me and says “Hey or Hello or Hola” in such a sweet, I miss you voice that it gets me every time.

When I say she is OCD, she runs a very meticulous daily schedule for her daughter which consists of taking a 2 hour mid day nap, home cooked meals on time right before her nap for lunch, and dinner at around 6 every night. She also cuts fresh fruits for her daughter daily, and that kid can eat! My Korean friend who’s wife is a neat freak was amazed at how clean her house was when they came over for Christmas- and the reason why is because after we cleaned and stuffed the turkey at 2am, she waitied for me to leave at 330am, then cleaned her house… I have offered to help her clean several times, and she has let me do certain things, but she also explained to me that she is so particular that in the past with her ex’s she would actually go back and re-clean what they already did. For now, I just do the dishes and take out the trash for her, and help take care of her daughter. She wouldn’t let me cook the couple times I offered, and prefers to do her own cleaning!

Because her daughter gets so excited when I come over, it is often difficult to get her to sleep at night after I leave, which contributes to me sometimes not getting to come over. One night I was supposed to come over for dinner, but when I got to her house she had made me a plate and asked that I not come up because her daughter was misbehaving. She was afraid that me being here would make the behavior worse. I know that she had issues with her ex husband getting her daughter all riled up and bouncing off the walls, but she also knows that is not how I am with her. Also, over the last couple months with increased visitation from her daughter’s dad, her behavior has taken a turn for the worse.

Needless to say…. I realize she makes things more difficult than they need to be and she is always stressing abut everything, but that is part of what I love so much about her. I want to be the one the to make her life easier, and hopefully she will relax and let go a little, because I feel like she is just wearing herself thin and it saddens me to see such a good person have to go through so much on her own. I feel like she has had to be this way for so long because the men in her previous relationships have taken advantage of her and taken her for granted.

Most of my friends have said that we are dating, that we just have not put a label on it, and the consensus is that she is just not ready for a relationship, and she does’t want to get hurt. My biggest concern is getting stuck in the friend zone, because it has happened to me a couple times before with girls that I really cared about. The difference between now and then was that I was shy and reserved when I was younger. With my friend now, I told her as soon as the feelings started to develop, which was about two weeks after spending almost every day with her, and while I was still married. I guess the one thing that we aren’t really able to talk about is “us”, which is an issue that I have not been trying to push due to my recent divorce and all of the stuff she is going through with the two ex’s. I do not want to add to her stress, I just want to be there for her. Needless to say, we have talked a little. Like I said, the jist of those conversations was, “Maybe when this is all over,” and “I am just not ready for a relationship right now”, which I completely understand. I know that the “Not ready for a relationship right now” is normally a sign that she is not interested in “you”, but in this case I know she doesn’t have time for guys because any time that she is not at home with her daughter, at work, or cooking and cleaning, she spends with me. If we are not physically spending time together, there are times that we will talk on the phone for 1, 2, 3 or more hours until 3 am, even when she says “I’m not trying to stay up until 3am”, and we only live about 25 minutes apart.

Complex, I know… I am doing anything wrong? Honestly, I know she needs me, but I am concerned that because she leaves here 10 months before me, that I will get replaced or become obsolete after she leaves. Should I be worried about this?

[vkleinstu]

Send her the Facebook message, but don’t be too specific. Maybe send her something like this:

“Hey, I haven’t seen you come in lately, and I was just thinking about you. I hope you’re doing well.” Keep it simple. This should draw her in unless she is otherwise occupied. Then when you see her in person you can ask her out. Just don’t shut down if she rejects you…

[Member]

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