[NYCgirl]

Thank you, April. I’ve been turning this over and over in my mind for many weeks trying to figure out what I could have done differently. I feel better knowing that it isn’t necessarily my fault.

[NYCgirl]

Yes, I understand that his not responding is sending a clear message. And I agree that I wish he was into me. I’m not sitting home pining away for him (anymore), and the reason I’m trying to figure this out is that I’m new to the dating game (previous relationship lasted 25 years) and am trying to figure out how to predict a disappearing act in future should I be faced with this again. In this particular situation, I’m also confused about how/why he pulled such a disappearing act with a friend (vs. potential girlfriend) — or whether he put me in the potential girlfriend category and then disappeared.

The details: After I reached out to let him know of my job change and move to his area, he suggested that we meet. We went back and forth for several weeks trying to find a mutually available date. Once we did, he picked the restaurant and we met there (I live an hour outside the city so picking me up wouldn’t have been practical). I looked at it like two old colleagues reconnecting. However, once we sat down and he learned that I am now single, the conversation quickly turned personal — which he initiated. Halfway through dinner I mentioned that I had been doing a lot of wine tasting on weekends, and he asked if he could join me sometime within the next couple of months. We talked about other activities I’ve been doing since I moved to the area, and he expressed interest in some of those as well.

Other than a handshake when we met four years ago, we had never touched — which I always thought was kind of strange since over time with other male colleagues you occasionally nudge each other or high five after a big win. It’s almost like he was afraid to touch me. But after our dinner (he picked up the check), he held the door for me and put his hand on the small of my back to guide me. Once we were on the street he pulled me close in an embrace — extremely close. I didn’t want to be inappropriate (after all, the intent of dinner was as two colleagues catching up) so I started to pull away after a few seconds. He squeezed me tighter and didn’t let go. When we did finally part, he ran his hand down my arm and held my hand for a moment. His last words were that he’d check his schedule to see when he has time for wine tasting.

As I said, we were in regular email contact for several weeks, then he went overseas. He’s always kind of been an out of sight, out of mind, kind of guy in between our joint projects, so I didn’t think too much of it. There was some sporadic contact after he returned, but it has tapered off to silence. Why I’m so confused is because I feel like I definitely got “buyer” signals at dinner, and didn’t rule out the likelihood of getting together again (we even made plans on a couple of occasions that had to be diverted due to these overseas trips). Is there anything in this story that I should have seen over dinner which would have prevented me from getting my hopes up afterward?

[Member]

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