[ted76]

I am afraid that the reason why she is not sharing her personal life with me is because she feels that she owes me. She has a very strong code of ethics and feels that I have done too much for her. A few years back when she thought I was having some financial problems and offered to pay me back some money I invested on her education.

I have never passed judgment on her. I have voiced my concerns about certain things but never took it too far.

Like I said, she is a very private person in general and not just with me. She just has one extra reason with me because she knows that I worry and she does not wish to stress me out.

I don’t interfere in her life and this is why I haven’t talked to her about this. Never the less I need to know if she is doing badly.
I need to read the signs correctly so that if she does need help I may be able to get her to open up and let me support her.

Thank you.
Ted.

[ted76]

The reason she won’t talk to me is because she doesn’t want me to worry about her. I wouldn’t go as far as calling this a problem in our relationship, I never gave her any difficulties when she got in trouble before, not that she ever did.

The fact that she lives so far away also makes it difficult for me to know what she is really up to.
I can help her if she needs help but she just wont admit it to me for reasons of pride. I just want to figure out how she is doing, wouldn’t want her stuck in a miserable relationship.

How do I figure out if she is in trouble when she is too proud to upset me ?

Thanks.
Ted

[ted76]

Thank you very much for your helpful comments.

Here are some observations.

My daughter is by nature a very negative person. She is constantly stressed about things and especially about her future. She is also very good at getting her way with people though means of manipulation. This is not just my observation but also something she admits herself.

At the time of her break up she was living alone away from home and away from her Ex. She was not in the best of conditions and she was tight with money. In addition to that, I am certain that her Ex was one step away from ending the relationship himself and she knew it.

My estimate is that as soon as she felt that things were not working out, she found the first man that was interested in her. Moving in was a logical choice for reasons of simplicity and finance. Typically, you don’t take a step like this unless you know someone for a while and want to see how you fit under the same roof.

I am not sure about the engagement. He made the proposal but I don’t know if he was influenced by something that my daughter suggested herself. I know that she is obsessed with stability and having an engagement may be her way of making sure that he sticks around. He does not strike me as the romantic type and I am 100% sure that my daughter does not want kids.

What I think is that there as some initial attraction between them and that was rushed into a relationship for reasons of social and psychological support. There are couples that know each other for years and as soon are they move in together they just don’t get along and break up. This guy she knew for a few months and they were together for weeks before they moved in, the chances of something so rushed being a success are slim.

What I fear is that things are not all that dreamy between them but she is still keeping things going because she is stuck and hopes that it will work.

She is very private about her life (her real life, not what she puts up on facebook) so, she will not tell me anything and we also live far away from each other. Last time we spoke on the phone, she admitted being very stressed with work and didn’t sound all that happy.

My feeling tells me that she was in a dead end in her life and she grabbed the first chance of support she got. Her new boyfriend may had been in some form of desperate state himself and they rushed into this relationship. In any relationship the honeymoon stage will last for at least a year but as they moved in together they started being annoyed early. They are both willing to try to give it a shot so things between them are still tolerable.

Her internet life is just a way to impress her friends, spite her Ex or even show how much she loves here new BF so that he is kept hooked to her. She used to do such demonstrations of love with her Ex when they were having bad times and she was trying to keep them together.

I can’t talk to her about this nor can I give her any type of support but I hope she finds her way.
Thank you for all your help.
Ted

[Member]

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