[nissa]

I’m sure I don’t have to tell you how many times I’ve read and re-read what’s written here. I’m just going to leave this note here for when I re-read this again.

You’ve brought me out of over-analysis world. The answer isn’t complicated, it’s simple. I’m not taking the steps I need to achieve the results I want. And I’m focused on deep details when the answer is at the surface.

For the mirror part:
I’ve taken the steps I need to heal from the loss of my family member and accept that this will stay with me for the rest of my life. I’m also not done healing and still have more steps to take. I need to acknowledge that I’ve done everything I can to repair the relationship with my sister and I need to accept that my choice to keep a distance from her is the current solution to the problem. Trying to learn more about her and/or analyze other people similar to her won’t bring me closer to a solution and won’t help me learn how to communicate with her. She can’t, won’t or doesn’t want to “see”, and I can’t change that. I can’t control the thoughts and decisions of others, trying to get her to understand me is not something I can do. By defending yourself you aren’t getting her to see you as you are, you’re correcting her perception and telling her she’s wrong. She will fight this to the end as she cannot admit or control this. The details of what she can and can’t control and when she intends to behave with malice don’t matter.

It’s ok that I failed to fix the relationship. I’m still following my family values as I still want to have some relationship in the future. I’m acknowledging that I’ve done my best and don’t have the resources or ability to do more. One day you will have skin thick enough that it won’t be accepting abuse and you won’t take the bait, it will be viewing someone with compassion and understanding and accepting them as they are. All of your efforts to get her to “see” is you telling her you don’t accept her as she is, she can’t change or control it. It’s you that needs to take the step to “see”. It took you this long to come to this conclusion because you’re a logical thinker and your mind couldn’t comprehend the absence of logic, you can’t control how your mind works and must accept that it processes emotional thinking as best as it can.

I’m not ready to be in a relationship until I can transfer the same trust in judgment and confidence I have in my professional life to my personal life. I’m not ready until I truly accept I’ve done my best.

[nissa]

Thank you very much. I’ve done some more thinking and my first instinct with those I accepted dates from was no, although I hadn’t recognized the negative attributes yet. I’ll start going with that instinct as I do know it’s correct even if I can’t put my finger on what I see.

You’ve pointed out something key for me. I’m going to the wrong places. I’ve been doing speed dating, which is typically held at bars, and I don’t drink. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when they don’t quite believe that I don’t drink even though I have water. Probably helps give the impression I party when I don’t either. (I’m actually quite entertained by this error in my logic, no idea why this didn’t occur to me – thanks so much)

Thanks for the tips on places to go. I’d love to date someone with political awareness or a world view. I view these places as professional environments, put my networking face on, and of course remove dating from the table. Sounds like I need to attend events outside my field so I’m not conflicted with dating a potential contact or coworker.

[Member]

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