[Anka23]

We are not fighting now. I left his place on Sunday after fighting about him telling his ex I miss you. He kept telling me it’s nothing. A drunken stupid comment. That he hasn’t thought of his ex in a romantic way. He was never in love with her to begin with. It was a 3 months fling. Almost two years have gone by. Oddly enough I received a few texts from guys saying I miss you this week. One from a guy who kinda liked me but we are not good friends, nor we ever dated. He has a girlfriend but he did message me on Facebook. Another text from a guy I dated for four weeks two years ago. That makes me think it’s really nothing. Guys playing games, bored, drunk, trying to boost their ego I suppose. I am beginning to think I might have overreacted a bit. In your experience, who do men mean by saying such things? I mean this guy I dated for four weeks two years ago. I don’t think he misses me. But what’s the point of saying things like this? He doesn’t want me back for sure. He lives in another country now. Why do men have this need to flirt? Is is normal?

[Anka23]

Well, I left his house upset after fighting all day on Sunday. I have not heard from him since then.
He is an introvert, so it’s hard to tell what he feels. I could tell he was hurt from all that fighting. And some of is my past. I have a history of creating stories in my head and believing them to be true. How long should I wait until reach out to him? When I broke up with him the first time it took him about a week to reach out to me. It was different back then. I did not care much of he called me or not. I wasn’t interested at all in him. But now I have feelings. I want him to make it up to me. Or at least say something. I also have a lot of my belongings at his place. So how long do I wait until I reach out? I’m not done with him clearly, I don’t want to end things.

[Anka23]

We did not have a break up in the 8 months of the relationship. The break up happened prior to that. We were dating back in June of 2014, but I just was not ready for a relationship. I did not want it. Then he pursued me and finally we got back together around 8 months ago. I was much more ready and welcoming. Things were great. He never gave me any reasons to doubt him. I am only able to spent time with him once a week and every other weekend. I see him 8 times a month basically. I dedicate the time with my daughter to her and don’t like to mix the two just yet. So I assume he feels lonely the rest of the 22 days a month. He does have a lot of friends (female and male) and is very liked by everyone. He has demonstrated pretty high morals, which is why it is so hard for me to believe that he might be cheating. Could this just be he is lonely and wants his friends around?
There is so much good in this relationship that I really want to make sure I am not walking away from a good thing. Had that not been for the missing condoms, I would not have reacted to the rest of the things as badly. Could some of that be becasue I am not able to spent more time with him?

[Anka23]

We talked about this issue. I explained that I am not against his female friends, but I do not like when she comes over without me being there. If she wants to come over then make it the day I am there as well. He seemed like he understood and agreed. The next day she unfriended him on Facebook. I assume that the day she came over to cook for him she was hoping he would be alone, or at least maybe my boyfriend did not mention that I decided to join last minute. Perhaps she was upset and removed him. It seems very childish to me. To come and cook for a friend and then unfriend them 24 hours later seems VERY strange to me. I did not tell him I noticed but did ask him if he mentioned anything to her. He said no.
I spent last weekend over at his house. He had a boys night out planned and went out with his friends. I stayed at his place. While I was waiting for him I saw his tablet lit up that it was his ex-girlfriend’s birthday. At first I became very suspicious that he must have lied about the boys night and was going to his ex-girlfriends bday. I took his tablet and went through his conversations on Facebook. There was nothing special except one conversation with this same ex. So when he was back in his home town, he contacted her. But she lives here in the states. They were chatting on Facebook. At first it was a casual conversation, but later it became a bit more personal. He asked her if she wanted anything from Europe, she said “no, just you is enough, LOL”. Then he told her he would bring her chocolates. Then there was a message from him to her “I miss you”. No reply from her. It’s been over 2 months since he has been back. I don’t know if they continue to keep in touch or it was just a drunk conversation. He does get very friendly when drinking and kinda is flirty. So, seeing that hurt me a lot. It brought back nasty memories of how I was cheated on by my ex. I confronted him when he came home. He said they are just friends and they talk occasionally. And that “i miss you” really meant nothing. He said he was drunk and made a stupid comment. So, my friend actually ran into him while he was out and did confirm that it was a boys night out. But this one message hurt me so much, I whole world came crashing. It’s almost like finding out that he actually cheated on me. I know i have issues with this, and it’s a painful memory for me. But he assures me that there is nothing and that is why he leaves his tablet open so I can feel safe that he isn’t hiding anything. He also said that he cannot believe that I am willing to through away 9 moths of a good relationship over some stupid text. He said he had no idea it would hurt me so much because it meant nothing to him. He doesn’t this is a big deal. But did say he will not do that if it hurts so much.
What to do? Can this really be just a friendly text as he says? He has no reason to be with me. He can go back to her if he misses her. Clearly she flirts back and wants to see him, so I have no idea why he is with me and not her.

[Anka23]

Hi April. The issue above was worked out but now I have another one. His female friend comes to his house to cook for him sometimes. And recently came over when I wasn’t with him. I have an issue with that. I don’t understand why he would think that it is ok. Is that normal?

[Anka23]

Hi April. The issue above was worked out but now I have another one. His female friend comes to his house to cook for him sometimes. And recently came over when I wasn’t with him. I have an issue with that. I don’t understand why he would think that it is ok. Is that normal?

[Anka23]

That makes a lot of sense. He also comes from a very messed up childhood. His father was very abusive to his mom and him. Drinking, beating them up, sleeping around. Then, when he was 18, both of his parents passed away and he was left alone to take care of his sister and himself all by himself. He eventually came to the states and has done really well for himself.
As a result, he doesn’t take drama at all. He told me once that because of his past, he simply blocks feelings. And I was the only person since then who made him feel like human again.
However, loss to him is nothing. He has learned to live with loss. Therefore loosing someone who brings drama in his life is normal. When I left him the first time he was hurt. Then when we got back together I asked him why? He said “my chances of meeting a woman like you are one in a million”.
Things have been great ever since. He caters to me, but he doesn’t talk about “feelings”. He says it’s hard for him. So I’ve learned to read his actions rather than feelings.

[Anka23]

Thank you April.
The thing is I’m damaged. I’ve had a messed up childhood with my father cheating on my mom all the time. Then I had an equally broken marriage. After my devorce I dated a guy who cheated on me and I saw everything with my own eyes. I mean I saw videos, graphic videos, email conversations and not to mention it destroyed my faith in humanity completely.
So, yes I thought I was over that. Honestly, I don’t think you ever get over this. You just simply learn to live with it.
To answer your question I man not be able to put this past me simply because I don’t know how to. A father who cheated on your mom all his life, a husband who cheated on you, then a boyfriend who grafically painting a permanent picture in your head…. A simple incident of two condoms disappeared makes you question in my situation when you have lost faith altogether.
You mentioned cultures… Although I’m not from the same country, I was born and raised in a very close proximity to his country. So it’s safe to say we have similar cultures, and sex outside of a committed relationship is considered cheating.
Two condoms missing…. Not enough for a healthy person I suppose, but gives me a red flag as a “damaged” woman.
Do you see where I’m coming from?

[Anka23]

Yes, he has brought up marriage many times. And also asked me if i would consider having another child. He is very good to my daughter as well. His house is always open for me. He doesn’t hide his phone, computer, tablets, etc. I’ve stayed at his place many times without him being home. He is very supportive of all my career goals. His friends always tells me how much he cares for me. It is just this one incident that made me doubt. The fact that the condoms were expired, and that he had had them there for a long time is true. It is bothering me that the two were missing afterwards. It sounded a little too easy that his single friend used them. It is possible. So my only doubt was is this one incident enough for a separation?

[Anka23]

Thank you April. I am 34, have been married and have a child. He is 38, never been married, no children. I guess it is my fear of getting hurt. I just don’t know if those kind of things are common. I appreaciate your expert advice.

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