[jm04]

I think you’re right. Unfortunately, he’s not going to grow up.

Thanks, April!

[jm04]

Hi April. I hope you’re doing well. Thank you again for all of your kind words and advice while I was going through my breakup.

I’ve suddenly found myself back with my ex after nearly six months apart. After we broke up, I moved out of state to stay with my parents. I recently moved back into my own apartment. When he found out from mutual friends that I was back in town, he immediately texted me and pretty much begged to take me out. After a lot of resistance, I finally agreed to go for a drink and it was surprisingly enjoyable. We’ve gone out several times since then and he seems to be the sweet, thoughtful man that I fell in love with years ago. He puts a lot of effort into making things work again. However, I’m still not convinced that things are going to stay this way between us. I’m treating this as a new relationship. I’m letting him do all the work.

There are major issues with this relationship beyond our breakup six months ago and any arguments that we had around that time. He is very immature, has little ambition and has a very unusual relationship with his mother, whom I absolutely cannot stand. He is not controlling, but his family is. I cannot live like that and absolutely refuse to give up on my goals and what I want in life to please his family.

I would like your take on the situation please. I have never gotten back with an ex before. I still have feelings for him, but they are nowhere near what they were. Should I just enjoy the companionship and not have any expectations? Or is this a bad idea altogether?

[jm04]

Thank you so much, April. Again, the reassurance means so much to me and is so very appreciated. I’ve been so confused lately so I definitely appreciate you providing me with some clarity and direction. I’m going to spend the next few months doing some serious soul searching and hopefully will figure out exactly what I want in life. Thank you so much for your kind words and advice.

[jm04]

Thank you for the kind words and reassurance, April. It really means a lot.

I’d like to give myself some time before getting into another relationship. I’m definitely not in a rush to try and trust someone again. I need time. Honestly, I’m afraid to even go on a date with anyone at this point. I’m so afraid of being betrayed and being hurt like this again. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to distinguish a genuinely good guy from someone who just seems to be good at that moment. I’m afraid I’m going to pick another guy who’s going to fool me and then screw me over again in the end.

There’s another thing that has been bothering me that I hope you can help me with. It relates to this whole situation. I tend to hold off on becoming physical with a guy until a relationship has been established or at least until things seem to be headed in that direction. Don’t get me wrong, there have been some exceptions to the rule, but generally I’m just not comfortable with the idea of sleeping with just anyone. Additionally, I tend to save my wild side for behind closed doors as opposed to flaunting it all over social media, which seems to be the norm these days. I feel that my way of doing things isn’t especially popular among my generation. Are there any guys who see this as a positive trait anymore? Or am I a complete dinosaur? This is another concern I have for when I eventually start dating again because I feel like I can’t compete with these other girls.

I’m bringing this up because although my ex would constantly comment on what a “good girl” I was and tell me it meant a lot to him that I had such good morals, everyone he’s been with before me and after me have been girls who are the complete opposite of me. The types of girls who post provocative photos online looking for attention, who have slept with all of his friends already, girls with substance abuse issues. I wasn’t aware of this prior to us dating but it gradually came out over time. Probably should have been a red flag, but again, maybe I’m the unusual one here.

[jm04]

I found out that a year ago, after we had that big fight, he started talking to this girl who he’s now seeing. So it all makes a lot more sense why he was so distant and refused to try to work towards any problems. He had someone else on standby this whole time.

[jm04]

Hi April. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years over the weekend and I’m having a really tough time getting through it. I know it’s normal to feel this way because it’s still so fresh, but I’m just really having a hard time understanding why this happened. To add to the pain of the breakup, we broke up on Saturday (Nov 14) and he’s already been on a date and started seeing someone new within two days. He swears that he wasn’t cheating on me during our relationship, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.

This especially hurts because our relationship was so wonderful for so long. It was really everything I could have ever asked for. I had never been so happy in my life. We took it very slow in the beginning, but we both ended up falling very hard for one another. Being with him was almost too easy. I felt that I had finally found “the one”. I was sure that this was it, that this was who I was going to spend my life with. He seemed to feel the same way. We moved in together, had plans for the future, everything was going great. We ran into a few obstacles eventually, but we overcame them and our relationship was still very good overall. About six months ago, he started becoming incredibly distant, very cold and very inconsiderate. I tried so hard to work through it, but he refused to communicate with me or work with me at all. These last few months, I felt like i was no longer his girlfriend, but instead I was just the person who did his laundry and was there to have sex with him when he wanted it. He no longer made time for me, wouldn’t go to weddings or events with me anymore and would constantly break plans to do something with someone else. I couldn’t allow him to keep hurting me, so I decided to call it quits. As much as I wanted to keep trying to make things work, I was fighting a losing battle and it was taking a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically.

I’ve tried to recognize that the biggest issue here was his immaturity and that unfortunately, I can’t force him to grow up. At 34 years old, he had no desire to ever move out of his mother’s house, knew nothing about being an adult, made drinking with his friends a priority over everything else and really didn’t seem to want a relationship. I know that this relationship has been long over and that analyzing every aspect of why it failed is probably useless. But I just don’t understand what went wrong and I’m very hurt that he’s moved on within days. I also can’t help but blame myself for this. I tend to have a short fuse at times and I also tend to get very emotional. I sought counseling for a few months to address this and I felt like I made a lot of progress, but he maintains that I ruined our relationship by being upset (every time I was upset I felt that I had very good reason to be).

This is my third failed relationship and I’m only 27. My first relationship was four years in high school and we ultimately broke up because he wouldn’t stop cheating on me. My second relationship was six years and was incredibly abusive. This most recent one was three years and went so well for so long until he suddenly turned his back on me, seemingly out of nowhere. While all of the things that led to all three breakups seem to have been beyond my control, I can’t help but blame myself and feel like I’m doing something wrong. I can’t help but feel that all of my relationships have failed because of me. I am far from perfect, but I’d like to think that overall I’m a good person and have a lot to offer. Nothing seems to work out for me despite my best efforts. I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of having to start over again and I’m not very hopeful for the future. I’m not so sure that a happy, long lasting relationship is in the cards for me. I know that sounds incredibly negative and overly dramatic, but I’m just so tired of putting so much time and effort in relationships only to have them fail over and over again.

[jm04]

Hi April. I broke up with my boyfriend of three years over the weekend and I’m having a really tough time getting through it. I know it’s normal to feel this way because it’s still so fresh, but I’m just really having a hard time understanding why this happened. To add to the pain of the breakup, we broke up on Saturday (Nov 14) and he’s already been on a date and started seeing someone new within two days. He swears that he wasn’t cheating on me during our relationship, but I don’t know what to believe anymore.

This especially hurts because our relationship was so wonderful for so long. It was really everything I could have ever asked for. I had never been so happy in my life. We took it very slow in the beginning, but we both ended up falling very hard for one another. Being with him was almost too easy. I felt that I had finally found “the one”. I was sure that this was it, that this was who I was going to spend my life with. He seemed to feel the same way. We moved in together, had plans for the future, everything was going great. We ran into a few obstacles eventually, but we overcame them and our relationship was still very good overall. About six months ago, he started becoming incredibly distant, very cold and very inconsiderate. I tried so hard to work through it, but he refused to communicate with me or work with me at all. These last few months, I felt like i was no longer his girlfriend, but instead I was just the person who did his laundry and was there to have sex with him when he wanted it. He no longer made time for me, wouldn’t go to weddings or events with me anymore and would constantly break plans to do something with someone else. I couldn’t allow him to keep hurting me, so I decided to call it quits. As much as I wanted to keep trying to make things work, I was fighting a losing battle and it was taking a huge toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically.

I’ve tried to recognize that the biggest issue here was his immaturity and that unfortunately, I can’t force him to grow up. At 34 years old, he had no desire to ever move out of his mother’s house, knew nothing about being an adult, made drinking with his friends a priority over everything else and really didn’t seem to want a relationship. I know that this relationship has been long over and that analyzing every aspect of why it failed is probably useless. But I just don’t understand what went wrong and I’m very hurt that he’s moved on within days. I also can’t help but blame myself for this. I tend to have a short fuse at times and I also tend to get very emotional. I sought counseling for a few months to address this and I felt like I made a lot of progress, but he maintains that I ruined our relationship by being upset (every time I was upset I felt that I had very good reason to be).

This is my third failed relationship and I’m only 27. My first relationship was four years in high school and we ultimately broke up because he wouldn’t stop cheating on me. My second relationship was six years and was incredibly abusive. This most recent one was three years and went so well for so long until he suddenly turned his back on me, seemingly out of nowhere. While all of the things that led to all three breakups seem to have been beyond my control, I can’t help but blame myself and feel like I’m doing something wrong. I can’t help but feel that all of my relationships have failed because of me. I am far from perfect, but I’d like to think that overall I’m a good person and have a lot to offer. Nothing seems to work out for me despite my best efforts. I’m so overwhelmed by the thought of having to start over again and I’m not very hopeful for the future. I’m not so sure that a happy, long lasting relationship is in the cards for me. I know that sounds incredibly negative and overly dramatic, but I’m just so tired of putting so much time and effort in relationships only to have them fail over and over again.

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