[Lulu]

Hello April,

So, guy I’ve been telling you about and I have been flirting and hanging out a lot but not much new has happened between us.

Meanwhile, I started hanging out with another guy who I used have a thing with, one thing lead to another and we ended up holding hands and snuggling through a movie. Since then we’ve snuggled a few times (although nothing more, because I said no to kissing).

If the guy I like knew, I know he’d be sad and it might make it hard to have anything real with him in the future. But I also don’t want to just wait around for him.

I’ve been clear with the guy I’ve been having a snuggle thing with that I’m not interested in a relationship with him. He is cool with that (although I think he’d want a relationship if I did) but I don’t want to make him feel like I’m using him I I ever cut thing off to start something with the guy I like. I don’t want to restrict myself from playing the field but I don’t want to hurt anyone.

What do you think about this situation?

Thanks!

[Lulu]

Thank you for your advice! I’ve been following what you suggested about playing the field a bit, and am already extremely busy with school and extracurriculars (so I don’t have time to focus too much on this, no worries!)

That’s almost kind of a problem in this situation, we’re both super busy. And I find myself wondering if I can figure out how he feels about me so I can either happily wait until he makes a move or acknowledge that he’s an awesome person and then move on. I guess I’m going to find out what ends up happening to us either way, but I would rather not be wildly deluding myself in the mean time.

Do you have any thoughts on this? How I might get clued into his feelings? Or conversely if I’m looking at this all wrong?

A few things that make me think he might be crushing on me are that he stops by quite often and likes to talk or playfully push my buttons (we have ongoing silly bickers about various things that he likes to bring up frequently), his smiles and greetings, some compliments he’s given me in the past (mainly about me being “nice” or “smart”), and…. I don’t know what to make of the fact that we hooked up at the end of last semester, got a little awkward after we came back from break, and now seem to have worked out way up to flirting again. (I know at first he didn’t want to hook up with me because it wasn’t “gentlemanly”).

These all have things to counter them of course, like if he liked me, wouldn’t he ask me out? Maybe he just likes flirting ’cause it’s fun and nice to have someone who likes you. And why doesn’t he do any of the normal “make a move” things like sitting close while watching a movie? (Granted we haven’t had a movie party with him and my friends for a while but he’s not very touchy usually. Like tonight he poked me, and I think was the first time for something like that).

All together too much analyzing for me! Maybe I should just sit cool and shut up. 😉

[Lulu]

Thanks for your insights and advice, it’s so helpful! Just over the past few days accepting that I do like him in that way has felt good, like I’m not ignoring my emotions any more. He comes over most nights, if only to say hi to my roommate and me, and he and I usually tease each other for a bit before he leaves to do homework. In general I feel good about our interactions and sometimes feel like we might be flirting.

But what now? Do I just keep doing what I’m doing with the theory that if he actually likes me he will make a move and that everything will work out in time?

[Lulu]

Hi April,
I didn’t reply right away because I’ve been thinking about your question and trying to figure out how I feel. I think I do want to date, if he’s on that page too. I know I don’t want to be just a hookup (I would rather be just friends). I am still a little confused about my feelings, and I think it’s partly because I’m relatively new to dating. With both of the guys I’ve been with before, I knew it was going to be short term (one at a summer job and one during my last semester of high school), and although I had a great connection with those guys, and am still good friends with both of them, I wouldn’t call them “real relationships.”

I would be kidding myself if I didn’t admit to being a little scared of the thought of relationships in general, which is probably why I’ve always convinced myself not to get too involved. I don’t know for sure but my guess is that he is kind of in the same place, both with the lack of serious relationship history (which I know is true) and with being a little wary of relationships (which I suspect). I know he doesn’t really like hookups because none of the girls he’s hooked up with have ended up wanting real relationships (yes he told me that as we were hooking up).

I’m also very good at ignoring romantic feelings I have towards people if I think it won’t work out, especially if I think they don’t like me in that way (easier to be friends and move on than suffer a broken heart!) All of this makes everything confusing, so I try not to think about it and over analyze.

But the truth is, I do like him. I like talking and hanging out together. I sometimes get butterflies when I see him across campus, and the first kiss we shared was by far the nicest, sweetest kiss I’ve ever experienced. So yep, that’s where I’m at.

[Member]

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