[izza]

The guy I had mentioned in my previous post came back to me a few days later (just to remind you, I am 36 single, he is 39 divorced five years now and has a little son, we have been dating for the past nine months). We were perfectly well for another month and a half, no arguments or issues. At the beginning he was a bit withdrawn, but gradually we came back to the way we were before. In fact, to my mistake I think, I became myself totally available for him whenever he wanted to meet; I turned him into my top priority so that he could feel safe and happy.

Recently he changed jobs and he was under pressure. I have noticed that he was again a bit withdrawing. Last week, he avoided coming with me to a dinner with my friends but I thought it was ok as maybe he was tired or very busy the next day. The next day, he called me to inform me that due to some problems with his family I should make my own plans for xmas (we were planning to spend it together to the country that we both live abroad) as he might have to return to his home place unexpectedly and I risk to be left alone here. The same night, he went to a vernissage of one of his colleagues but didn’t invite me to go with him, and then went out with some male colleagues (as he said).

I thought maybe it would be better not to make too big a deal out of it, and give him some space – I also arranged to return to my country for xmas. During the weekend he had his son – I was the one calling him except Sunday evening – he tried to reach me but I was talking on the phone so didn’t get that he was calling me. So, the next morning he sent me an angry email complaining about the fact that I didn’t call him the night before. Again, I was patient and laughed it out, trying to avoid this turning into an argument.

Last night, he came by my place, we talked about some general stuff and he also informed me about another invitation he had from a colleague for next Saturday night, without inviting me to go along…So, at some point I started the discussion about what is wrong. He seemed really stressed and said that he is not sure, but he feels that our relationship is degrading very fast and that he is also tormenting me without it being my fault. He said that he feels that we are in different phases of our lives and he is afraid that he cannot offer me the things I want, marriage and children. At least not right now. He said that he is happy to be in a relationship but not with the above plans for the moment. I asked repeatedly if he wants to break-up, he was answering no, and he also assured me that there is no one else in his life, and that he wouldn’t be with me otherwise. I also said that for me children are important but I am not stressed that this is something that should happen in the next months. And then we made up, and spent the night together. Today he didn’t get in touch at all this far.

I feel that he is losing interest in me (even though last week for instance he got very jealous about an old boyfriend who contacted me) – I also see that he is avoiding to make me part of his new social circle. It seems that he is trying to slowly fade me out of his life, maybe this is the easiest way for him.

And my question is, how do I react to all that? Do I try to pretend that all is fine, give him space while I do my own life, go back to my home for xmas and see where we stand afterwards? Or should I end this now, to save at least any possible interest he might still have in me and make him miss me and think? Really April, this situation is such a slow torment…

Thanks for all your advice!

[izza]

🙂 Thank you April…well, the latest is that indeed during the week we met and discussed, he said he feels that maybe he is not ready for a relationship yet, and that we have too much tension between us. I said that I understand, and I love him but I will accept his decision.

Since then, we met at a party, he was always by my side, and together with my friends even if he had his one friends at the place. The next day, he sent me a goodmorning mail, and then a smiley message on facebook in the evening. And there I think I messed up, because as soon as I saw his fb message I called him on his mobile, he replied saying he was sleeping and then I also sent him a reply to his message on fb, saying that I love him. The result is that tonight, we met again at another party, he was very distant and cold towards me, a totally different person…and I suppose this is the result of my overreaction to his communication the day before…

indeed, I think it is over and I think I must stop any kind of contact with him, even if he sends me sth else…it’s just that for the moment it hurts so much…

thnx!
izza

[izza]

(I hope this is what you wanted me to do 🙂 posting this as a reply to my last string of comments)

Hi April,

First, let me tell you how much your ebook and advice helped me during a very difficult period in my life to understand my self-worth and raise my self-esteem. You are just great and so inspiring!

In fact, your advice and guidance helped me find this great man, whom I had been dating for the past seven months; he is divorced four years now and has a little boy of six. We were immediately very much in love with each other, and he was almost from the start discussing moving in together; he had also expressed his wish to have a family again.He had introduced me to his son almost immediately, and I am the first woman he presented to the boy since his divorce. I was even spending weekends and evening together with his son, with whom we got along very well. We were almost inseparable with this man, always together.

At a certain point, we started having some arguments – we are both a bit dynamic and this was leading to some misunderstandings…in the first few he was very anxious to solve the issue and get back together but his make-up desire gradually got reduced. On the last one, in July, he decided to break up with me, saying that he alreay has problems with his ex-wife, he needs a more calm relationship and he sees that our relationship cannot move further, as we are incompatible characters. (just to clarify, the arguments were nothing too much…)

At the time, I had a discussion with him, and in the end we agreed to get back together. Again, everything was perfect, we had great holidays and all. During the holidays we had a talk on children etc during which, for the first time, he said that having another child is not his priority, which I found a bit astonishing as this was the first time I heard about it. So, another heated discussion took place, but it was resolved and he continued telling me about moving in together when we get back to the city.

When we got back, I didn’t see him for several days because he had his son and several obligations – but, I was sick and this made me feel very lonely. so, I got a bit distant with him, we met a few times but I was quite frozen, then one evening another silly argument came about and bang, he very calmly and decidedly informed me that he wants to break up. That was a few days ago.

I tried to meet and talk, impossible. So, I sent him a very calm mail explaining my understanding of the situation and the problem (that we don’t react calmly to arguments, we both have pressure in our lives etc) but I also expressed my very deep feelings for him and the future potential I see for us together. He replied also very calmly saying that we are simply not compatible, this is not viable for something more serious and he wished me all the best…again I sent a mail trying to counter his arguments, but since then, no reply…

I am devastated, cant stop thinking about him and what to do…on the other hand, I understand that no more action should take place from my side…

I just don’t know what to do. Seems I blew this big time. He is a good man, April, and a man who really loved me and had proven it on so many occasions…I don’t want to lose him. Please tell me, is there something I can do? A couple of days after our last contact he sent me a couple of messages to which i reply politely but he never proposes to meet and I don’t either, thinking he needs perhaps some space. Anyway, the last few days, nothing but silence…

I will cherish your advice!
Many thanks,
izza

[izza]

Dear April,

I am afraid that I might disappoint you with the follow-up of my story, but at least it will prove a great confirmation to all that you say, and might help a few other readers, so as not to lose their precious time.

Unfortunately, I did continue seeing this guy, under his own terms, every now and then; I am to blame, I know, but I liked him so much and I was falling into the trap that since it was always him to contact me and seek me etc., at least this was a token of interest and maybe, who knows, things would change. Of course nothing changed and when at some point a couple of months ago I confronted him as to what is this whole thing, he replied to me that I do not have the ‘something more’ he needs to make him get in a relationship (!!!) which of course made me leave on the spot and not speak to him again…later on, he contacted me again (for some reason of his own he cannot leave me alone either), refused he said this thing to me but that he only meant that he does not want to be in a relationship at this moment and to apologise and so on, and that he does not want to lose me from his life. I simply explained that I wish no further contact and it has been so since, two weeks ago.

To summarise, looking at my initial post hereabove a year ago, my patience, availability, kindness (and fear, big fear I may lose him if I speak up) proved absolutely pointless. If I had stopped seeing him, like you had so wisely advised me a year ago, I would have saved myself from very big heartache, and would have been free to other options, or even to nothing else, but at least I would have been calm.

Sometimes it seems we need to learn things the hard way; but, my strongest advice to anyone else reading is do not spend time on people who simply do not wish to be with you the way you want them to; do not be afraid to speak up and take drastic decisions; do not believe that by sitting patiently and waiting you will gain something, quite the opposite.

And DO listen to what April says!!!!

Best regards to all!

[izza]

So, after a couple of more meetings on the same pattern, and realising that I had been upset from the great periods of time between our meetings, he started a conversation as to what was wrong. I explained that I very much like him but I simply cannot continue on this same pattern…and he very clearly told me that he likes me and all, but he does not see a relationship at this point of his life (not with me at least, I suppose..) – followed by several, standard excuses and justifications.
Anyway, we have not been in any contact since (a couple of weeks ago) and, to be honest, much as I get very sad sometimes, I feel so relieved that I will not go through the waiting-for-him process again…

Thank you so much April, your advice helped a lot!

[izza]

Dear April,

Thank you so much for your advice. It’s amazing how clear you state the things that should have been clear to me in the first place! It’s unbelievable how we simply can’t let go of past situations, much as we can see they hurt us and hold us back.

I have to very honestly say that your counsel has been very important to me; so, though I am still not very clear how things will evolve with my boyfriend – still working this out, I have taken the job abroad and I am moving next month…for the marriage, we will see…

I also downloaded your book which I found so much to the point and crystallizing things we should all follow but somehow fail to.

Reading your advice to me, as well as to other posts, I think that you are doing a great job, without passing judgement or making people feel bad even for evidently wrong actions.

You are a voice one loves to hear in their moment of question or quest.

Thank you April.

[Member]

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