[ufdc25]

Thanks for the honest response. We talked. I told her how I thought she was avoiding talking because it made her uncomfortable, not because she didn’t want to. I also told her about the attachment issues that I noticed. [u]She agreed with both [/u]and told me that she knows she has an avoidant personality but that she is so overwhelmed with other things in her life that she doesn’t have the time or energy to focus on that. She also told me that she wasn’t sure if the break up was the right thing to do at first. It was an impulsive decision that she made because of all the stress she was under. She needed to be alone and didn’t know how to tell me so she panicked and ended the relationship.

In the end we both agree that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened right now. We learned more about each other in the last 2months that we did during our five years together and we both feel a sense of relief being alone. I apologized for ignoring her messages but I am glad that I was persistent.

as far as getting over the pain, there isn’t as much as I thought there would be. Don’t get me wrong, I am sad – I miss talking to her and a lot of the things that we did together but I don’t feel heartbroken. I was in a relationship with someone that I was in love with that lasted only a year and it took me almost a year to get over it. I hope that just means that I am getting older and more secure with relationships…

[ufdc25]

Update:
Since my ex asked me to leave her house during the only face-to-face conversation we had since the break up, she will not answer my calls. I refuse to drop by her house uninvited because I think that would be inappropriate… it would, right?

She will respond to text messages, so that is how we have been communicating. She says she is no longer upset with me and the comment I made… Here is the problem, I told her I want to talk to her to about the “where do we go from here question” that she asked during our last face-to-face and MAYBE talk to her about the attachment thing. I’ve tried to make it as easy as possible for her by inviting her to meet me at places where it would be very easy for her to leave if she were uncomfortable but she refuses. Every time i ask, she responds with things like “thanks but I don’t think that’s a good idea,” or “We don’t have anything to talk about.”

If that’s how she really feels I can respect that but I don’t think it is… you get to know someone very well when you spend every day for five years talking to them. When she responded with “we don’t have anything to talk about” I asked her to please be direct and tell me that she doesn’t want to speak or see me anymore so that it’s clear to me. She didn’t say that… Her response was that if we do it now someone will end up mad. I told her that there is nothing that can make me mad… not another guy, nothing and asked if not now, then when?

Her response was “I don’t know” and then she starting ignoring me again.

To sum it all up, When I ask to get together she says no and when I ask her to be direct and tell me that she doesn’t want anything to do with me she won’t say it. I want to start meeting new people but her refusal to say get lost is keeping me from focusing 100% of myself on someone else. I don’t want to give up on the last five years if she thinks things can change. What is going on? What do I do?

[ufdc25]

Here is a brief description of my ex.

Avoidant Attachment Disorder: These individuals have a dismissing state of mind with respect to attachment. They typically experienced caregivers as unnurturing, dismissive and critical. Avoidant adults are uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy, they are emotionally distant and uncomfortable expressing needs or asking for help. They avoid conflict and tend to be passive-aggressive and sarcastic. They don’t want to rely on anyone, fearing dependency or a perception of being weak. They are unresponsive and intolerant to the needs and feelings of their mates. They are rigid and lack spontaneity. They are often angry, controlling and critical. They need considerable reassurance and praise, but do not ask for it. Thye do not do well disclosing feelings or being intimate. They can be a responsible partner if you do not make many emotional demands of them.

That describes her exactly. I have tried to get her to talk to me and needless to say, she will not. I will keep trying but I am not going to force the issue. Thank you for your advice!

[ufdc25]

Unfortunately, I think you are correct but unless you think it’s completely crossing the line of descent behavior I may try because it wasn’t that long ago that she was my perfect girl and we were both very happy. There was no “if only” and “potential,” she was it. We did everything together and we have too many things in common.

My intention for this is not to try to convince her to get back together; I just want to explore the possibility so I don’t go through life wondering if things may have been different if I had said something. I am a reasonable person and I understand if she wants to go in a different direction but I don’t know if she is aware of her attachment issue. I had similar problems with my parents and once I realized that it was the source of a lot of misery in my life, I was eager to change and I still am trying to this day.

Some more of our story if you care to read: We only talked about our split on the phone very briefly twice while she was away and those conversations were not good. She came back two weeks ago and we finally talked face to face and it was the best conversation we ever had. I was finally getting closure and then, towards the end, she asked the question, “where do we go from here?” I knew what I wanted, which was to spend time apart but continue talking and see what happens naturally but was hesitant to answer. We never answered the question because I made a foolish comment. I told her how upset I was thinking about her with another man while she was gone and I mentioned the story of how we met (we slept with each other too early). She became upset and asked me to leave. She was promiscuous before we met and I know it has to do with her self-esteem and nothing to do with her enjoyment of sex. It never bothered me but she thinks I view her poorly because of it. I don’t. We have not spoken since.

[Member]

Posts