[bt88]

Hi so a little update on this situation and I need your help if possible. I finally found out why she pulled back. Apparently one night her and I hung out and we were drinking. I got a little too out of control for her tastes. Keep in mind her ex boyfriend was an alcoholic and would often do stupid things when drunk and give her the “I can change” speech. So apparently one night she saw too much of him in me and pulled back. She said she lost some trust in me based on being out of control. I did something stupid that Id rather not discuss but it wasnt so awful that it cant be worked through. She recognizes him and I are not the same person but after him she swore to herself she wouldnt end up in that situation again. She said that right now she cant justify being in a relationship if she was so scared away by this one night.

She also reiterated that her going on dates was just to see what it was like. She was adamant that she still has strong feelings for me and isnt seeing anyone at the moment. She also said that she cant put herself in a situation that shes been burned by before. I told her flat out that Im not that guy. i told her how I want us to work and we clearly make each other happy. She agreed. She descibred the relationship we had before this as “great” and said she appreciates me being there for her more than Ill ever know. We didnt speak for awhile but she called me up and made a point to say all this. Right now shes adamant that she wants us to hang out with friends and see where it goes. I told her that we’ve been deeper than friends, she recognizes this. She also said its going to take awhile for her to get that trust back that she lost. I get that. I also told her not to use one incident as a gauge. Up until that point I had never done anything like that. Since that time I did get a little too drunk one more time since then and she pointed to it again. Kinda nitpicky but also understandanble. she herself is a heavy drinker as well.

Ive known her long enough to know she isnt a BSer. Yet Im wondering if shes kinda using this as an excuse a little bit. An excuse to be single a little longer. I dont think so but its certainly possible. So

How does one go about re-establishing trust? I do like her a lot and she clearly likes me a lot. So what can I do? I feel like hanging out with her as friends could work but only for so long. I guess I dont know when would be the right time to try to make the switch. I know trust is a huge thing in relationships. I feel awful about it going down this way. i asked her if theres anything I can do, her response was “I wish there was, it would make the questions im asking myself a lot easier.”

Is there anything I can do besides wait out and do my best to be friendly with her without pushing boundaries too far? Thanks

[bt88]

That came across wrong. I didnt think she owed me anything I just was understanding that she would let me know when she figured herself out. We were never officially dating so it wasnt exactly a breakup. And she did let me know. Shes been going on dates. A few of them. Her exact words “I dont want a full relationship. I just need to figure out what I want and meet some new people.” I get that. The thing is we had a damn good “relationship” going and she only stopped it after she found out her ex cheated on her for 5 years. She also found out it was with guys and not girls. Does that second part have any effect or no?

My bigger question is why do you think she didnt want her space when she first broke up with her boyfriend? Was I just her lifeboat? Did she merely just want the comfort of a relationship just not with him? I feel like the archetypal rebound guy in this case

Secondly, would it be counter productive for me to say “listen I feel like I kinda got used here” ? I feel like Id be saying that for my own benefit and I;m wondering if its even worth it. Plus it lets her know that she hurt me.

Finally, should I be thinking long term? Given our history, its possible that she’ll come back around. I feel like she still has feelings for me, I cant believe theyd just disappear after 10 years. is it unhealthy for me to think that being nice to her now will help me out later? I dont want to cut her off but at the same time its going to be hard to see her with other guys. At least for now

Thanks for your help and id like to reiterate I have one of the least grandiose senses of self of anyone I know, just came across wrong online. Thanks again

[bt88]

No I guess I didnt know that. If she said she wasnt emotionally stable enough to handle our relationship, and specifically told me “I cant start dating again right now” why would she go on a date? It seems like she would owe me at least some sort of an explanation. At least a “hey theres other people, I dont want you waiting around for me or getting hurt.” Thats all. Saying that is not the same as “I need my space.” Otherwise everything she said in the past was a lie, or at least misrepresentative. All the “ive been in love with you for 10 years” stuff is meaningless.

We’re not in a relationship but thats only because she said she needed space to figure herself out. I dont wanna say I deserve first crack but the way I understood was that with this space thing, she would let me know when she knew better either way. Have I just been completely misguided here?

[bt88]

So I have another follow up question and as I mentioned before I really cant talk to any of my friends about it.

So after a week or two of me and this girl not talking as much she made it a point to contact me last night. It was on Facebook chat but whatever. We talked about the typical stuff. Then she started talking about how she was working out, feeling confident and being more assertive. She said she was too laid back and “go with the flow” for too long and now shes learning who she really is. Which is great. She’s right, she never was very assertive, almost kind of an introvert. I told her I was happy for her and all that, and I didnt turn the conversation onto me and her at all. She also said to me “I didnt want you to think I forgot about you.” So I was happy that she’s doing better and that she made it a point to contact me.

However, early in the conversation when I asked her what she was doing this weekend she said “Saturday Im having drinks with a friend.” I didnt bother to ask who or where out of fear of looking jealous. Keep in mind this was on Wednesday. Seems early to plan out drinks with a friend. I know most of her friends so I feel like she would have mentioned who it was. It feels to me like shes having drinks with a guy and doesnt want to tell me. I also feel like she wouldnt have said it at all if she didnt want me to know. If it was a female friend I feel like she would have said “drinks with a friend from work” or something. Its almost like shes leaving it intentionally vague. She’s never been the type to just go out and get physical with someone on a whim for no reason, yet this whole “self discovery” thing might change that. I’ve also considered the possibility that Im just being paranoid. Its also true that really there isnt much I can do about it anyways. So should I be worried? Or am I just pouring over a mundane detail?

[bt88]

I do have a follow up question. For one, her and I were never officially “dating.” It was kind of secret. And most importantly, we never were close friends despite knowing each other for 10 years. Our attraction always clouded that. I never came to her with my problems and she never came to me with hers. We were never that type of friends. So its hard for me to be that “go to” person because I never was before. Is that what she needs?

The thing is she isnt contacting me at all right now. it seems like she wont let me help her. So I want to know how shes doing but at the same time, will me getting ahold of her push her away?

[bt88]

That sounds like a great idea about the mailing, you are wise. I appreciate your input, thanks.

[bt88]

Long story short, is a girl saying “I need time to figure myself out” the kiss of death or can it be legit?

[Member]

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