[April Masini]

Hi all,

I’m here because I am mightily confused about my feelings in my relationship. I love my girlfriend (I’m a lesbian). We have been together 7 months, for one of those we were separated. We are long distance, have only spent 7 weeks together. For many reasons, including the inability to afford a long distance relationship, she is moving here next month. We cannot afford two separate places, so we are moving in together. I am deeply in love with this woman, have talked to her for hours every day for the entire 7 months. Like kindred spirits. I just adore her. So why, a month before the big move, am I finding myself attracted to other women and even flirting with them? Nothing else has happened or will, I don’t cheat. I’ve never had to deal with crushes on others in relationships before. We have been apart for 3 months now and it’s killing me. In addition, I wonder if she is cheating on me, as there have been little things, like hearing her talk to someone else who she says isn’t there, or this woman I had barely heard of gave her a mixed cd and she had to go hang out with her when I was in crisis. I don’t know maybe I am just being paranoid.

But also…the move is a month away. She hasn’t packed a single thing (she is going to ship stuff to me), even gotten the boxes to ship anything or begun organizing, or bought the plane ticket. I’m always the one who has to bring such things up. I guess I’m starting to think she may not come and this is partly why my eyes have wandered. She swears she is coming, 100%, has no back up plans etc., I am even looking for a bigger place for us, she is happy about this, but something isn’t settling right.

Is it normal to be having these feelings before a commitment like moving in? Could she be cheating? Am I just being paranoid? I think she is spazzing about the commitment.

I told her about this one woman who hit on me. Trying to let her know you know I’m a good catch, not because I want to leave her, I don’t. But it just feels like she is having such a hard time with this move and I cannot continue in a long distance relationship. I love her, I maybe want to be with her forever, I don’t know yet. Of course when I mention anything like we were meant to be she becomes dead silent. But she says she has never loved anyone like me before. This is very hard for her as she has been in abusive relationships and that is a large part of why she is scared to move in with me but she knows I’d never hurt her, or I hope she does. She says I;m “different” and I am. She also doesn’t like to have sex as often as I do and I’m afraid this may become a problem for us when we’re living together. She can go weeks. Sometimes this is when my eyes begin to wander. I don’t like that this happens. I almost, almost, told this girl who was hitting on me about our problems but I didn’t. Was very proud of myself. But I need advice…on how to make this transition easier for she and I. And what to do about this woman who keeps hitting on me even after I’ve told her I’m unavailable. I would like to be friends but don’t know if that’s possible. Thanks.

[April Masini]

You’re looking for a way out of the commitment you’ve made. Listen to your instincts.

You don’t know this woman very well — seven weeks together in seven months with a one month separation, and not having seen her for the last three months altogether is [i]way[/i] too little time together to decide about a move in together, and moving in because you don’t have the financial resources to date long distance is a bad idea.

You jumped the gun with this move. Tell her it’s a mistake and you want to slow things down. You’re not paranoid — you’re just not honoring your gut feelings, so you’re looking for reasons that you may be dysfunctional. Well, sorry. You’re head is exactly on your shoulders — listen to yourself!!

Call off the move in.

Sorry.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes — and join me on Facebook. Here’s the link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[Fridaykaye26]

Great advice April! It sounded like “cold feet,” you know the kind that a bride and groom experience on their wedding day. But I think your advice hits the nail on the head in this case. Seven months in total, more than a third of the relationship by phone conversations, and only the few weeks spent together physically are no where near proper grounds for moving in. Freedomart, you should wait to move in until after you’ve spent enough time with and around your girlfriend to know if you all can cohabit some-what peacefully.

Of course I do everything backwards, and seem able to give good advice but not practice it! 😕

Best wishes to you. I hope things work out for you, what ever way they happen to work out. 😀

[Anonymous]

cold feet, yes, I think so.

I don’t know if it’s a bad idea or not. In lesbian terms, waiting 7 months to move in is a long time! 🙂 lol. And it is like marriage in our world. Those 7 weeks we spent together, we were living together. She stayed with me for three weeks, me with her for a month. When I was at her place, there were some issues but mostly because of the neighborhood she lived in. She loves where I live. Practically, there is not much that can be done if we want to stay together but move. She is 2500 miles away, we have no money to see each other more than say twice a year and I get very ill flying not to mention there is no way I could move to where she is with my job and her living in the middle of nowhere (I mean nowhere!). She is also moving out here to get a job and start a new life in a bigger city; she hates where she is. I suppose she could get her own place here but, again, $$$. Well…thanks everyone for the advice. I think it is cold feet and not anything else like not loving her enough or being interested in someone else or something. I’ll just see what we can do. Maybe she’ll move in until she finds a job and then if we need to have our own places, but that would be difficult to go backwards. Anyway, I figure if she hasn’t begun packing in a week or two maybe she has cold feet too and then, well, plan B. Cry a lot. I truly do love her a lot and both of our hearts would be broken I think if it doesn’t work.

peace!

[April Masini]

I don’t think “lesbian terms” apply here. Whether you’re gay, straight or something else, a relationship is a relationship. I know you think you’ve been waiting seven months to move in together, but you really haven’t spent that much time together during those seven months and moving in after such a short amount of real time together is putting your success at living together at risk.

My advice is that she move out here and get her own place (you’re right that you shouldn’t put her up and then have her move out when she can afford to) and get a job and build up her own life while here. That will allow her to take care of her financial and career issues and it will allow the two of you to date and spend time together to make sure moving in together is really really the right step to make — or if cold feet were exactly what should have happened here.

I hope that helps. Let us know what happens — and join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

[Anonymous]

thanks April!

[April Masini]

You’re welcome — and good luck! I hope you’ll join me on Facebook. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url].

[Anonymous]

well, she fell through on putting money down on a deposit. so we broke up as I can’t do long distance, and she has no money to get her own place here, not to mention she put my housing in jeopardy. guess the cold feet wasn’t wrong after all.

thanks again, April.

[April Masini]

I’m glad I could help. 😀 I think everything is working out as it should. Good luck! Join me on Facebook. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]. 🙂

[Badfinger]

I just want to say, eyes wandering is standard, I maybe married, but I am not DEAD, and I don’t want to look, I have to look. (given my own appetite and often revealing outfits seen in public places)

Heart and sex organs wandering, different story. 👿

I’m glad you worked that out, always consider your instincts, and you avoided an unsatisfactory relationship based on your story.

[April Masini]

I agree with [b]badfinger[/b]. Looking and flirting can be harmless and fun. It doesn’t have to be a threat to an established relationship. 😉

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