[Evie]

After an almost 7 year relationship with my ex-boyfriend and one step short of marriage, I’m still struggling with moving on from my ex. I had been here for relationship advice some months before and I’m back again.

In a nutshell (or a recap/history behind this post), my ex-boyfriend/fiance met in college, dated and fell in love, relationship hit a rough patch and we broke up for about 6 months and got back together, relationship went long distance for a few years (we had arguments sometimes), he proposed marriage in between that time of long distance and I accepted, then relatioship ended when he stopped talking to me suddenly out of the blue even when I made depserate attempts to contact him. In that order. It has been two years and I’m still struggling with it all.

There was a period of time where I prefer sleep over being awake (as much as I like to sleep all day, that was not allowed at home). A time where I also wanted to die because the emotional pain was too overwhelming. I haven’t mentally had a much peace. I’m haunted by my memories of him and our relationship. I would dream about him sometimes. Sometimes the dreams were happy, and sometimes the dreams would be of me crying and begging him to give our relationship a chance and start over. I would wake up in the middle of the night, like around 2-3 am after the dreams and cry and won’t be able to go back to sleep for at least an hour, or until I get tired from crying and fall asleep naturally. I don’t have much of a social network here, that being my social network is in the United States and Canada. All my friends are there, and maybe one or two in the UK. I have only two friends here since moving back to my parents and the country they live in. Both are guys, who both have a history of being in love with me. One of whom I dated for a short time 10 years ago and broke up with due to some misunderstanding (we stayed friends, and that is a loooong story for another day) and 10 years later today, he still has feelings for me, and is still supportive whenever I’m feeling down or need a friend to talk to. I don’t think they would make prime candidates to help me out here. My co-workers from previous job, I’m not that close with them nor do I feel I fit in their circle can’t help me. So I’m stuck with being on Facebook where my social network are. But even that doesn’t help much. Seeing some of my friends posting pictures of engagement rings, weddings, or photos of their baby or babies doesn’t make me feel any better, especially when I was once so close to achieving the same happiness that they had achieved. I tried distracting myself by watching TV but even the local TV station wasn’t helping much with what it was broadcasting. Since last month was the month with Valentine’s day, almost everything on TV is love related. I tried praying to God for a miracle (initially at the break-up) and later for peace and that hasn’t happened. The only place I can find solace is sleeping (and not dreaming about him). I dread waking up.

Around october last year, I found evidence that hints through a mutual friend that my ex had married someone else. I tried not to think about it. Then about 2 weeks ago, I found confirmation in form of a photo that he married someone else (saw what it looked like a wedding band on his finger in the photo). Only one word to describe my emotional state: devastated. To me, a guy proposing marriage to a girl is making a promise of marrying her and spending his life with her. Seeing that photo brings up memories of all the promises he has made to me when we were together, including that promise of him and I spending the rest of our lives together. In this time between the break-up and now, I thought I was on the road to moving on, but seeing that photo makes me realize that I haven’t moved on that much, despite that I haven’t thought much about him during daytime (still plagued my dreams of him at night sometimes). I also feel betrayed.

Mentally I haven’t been at peace. I am already dealing with the disappointment of not getting into grad school, nagging from my parents to go find a more permanent job in a country I’m desperately trying to find ways to get out of, my desires to return to North American soil (the place I consider my home where I can seek solace in Canada or somewhere far away from my ex in the United States), my break-up with my ex whom I had given my virginity to and whom I loved so much for so many years, and now this thing with my ex marrying someone else.

I don’t know what I could do anymore. I’m to a point where, if for whatever reason I fall into a coma, I don’t want to wake up. Or if I suffered some kind of head trauma, I hope I hit the correct part of my head so I would get amnesia and won’t remember anything about him. No, I’m not going to do anything stupid, not going to kill myself, I can assure you that. I’ve been through that period of wanting to do that but I didn’t and I’m still alive. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I appreciate some advice. Thank you.

[April Masini]

Since you’ve posted here before about this relationship, please repost this question as a “reply” on your string of posts about this same question so that everything you’ve written about this relationship is in one place. It’s much easier for all of us who want to help you to do so if we’ve got the whole picture. I’ll definitely answer you once you do that. 😉

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