I can’t seem to fix my jealousy

[Celeste]

My current boyfriend is my first real relationship. We have been together two and a half years now, and I can’t seem to get over a jealousy problem I have. I get angry and am hurt when he is checking out other girls, when he talks about co-workers he thinks are hot, I even get hurt when he watches porn. I’ve tried many times to talk with him about it, and he continues to write me off, getting angry and telling me that I shouldn’t be so insecure. I do not like fighting about it, and it seems like we can’t talk about it civilly. He tells me that it is not his responsibility to make me feel secure, although he has stopped talking about other girls to me long ago. I love him and I don’t even worry about him cheating on me, I trust him completely. We are both fairly young (22 and 23) and I understand that men are usually more interested in the opposite sex at this stage in life, but I don’t know if I can deal with this in the relationship. It would break my heart to leave him, but I don’t know if I want to stay and deal with this pain. I am very confused on what to do and how to handle this jealousy. Is there any advice that can be given?

[Anonymous]

Your jealousy is a direct result of his behaviour, pure and simple! He loves to keep you in this state of insecurity, whether deliberate or not. Don’t expect it to get better, unless he is prepared to take some responsiblity for his part in all this. Your life with this person will be filled with misery……..take it from someone who’s been there! Way I see it, you can hang around and suffer indefinitely, or move on & go through the pain of breaking up, which will eventually subside. At least if you leave him you have the opportunity to start over & build a life with someone who is worthy of you! It’s a no brainer really.

[hoping]

It’s not just his actions that are causing you to feel that way but I think that you may not have enough confidence in yourself. I believe that if you’re confident in yourself and it shows, it attracts more men than anything else. At least the right kind of men. Jealousy is in all of us. Confidence should be, too. Always be proud of yourself!

[April Masini]

Wow! You got some great points of view from both [b]jaded101[/b] and [b]hoping[/b].

It would be helpful to know how often he’s watching porn. If he glances at Playboy magazine on the newsstand when you walk by on the street, that’s one thing. If he’s watching porn on his work computer, his home computer, his television and has a stash of magazines by every sofa, chair and bed in the house, that’s another thing.

So, where on the spectrum of porn watching does he fall — and what do you consider porn?

Talking about his co-workers being hot in front of you is inappropriate — how often does he does this, and what kinds of things does he say? Since he’s your first boyfriend, and there’s a chance you’re his first girlfriend, and you’ve been together for almost 3 years now, I’m wondering if he thinks you’re his best friend and his girlfriend and that it’s okay to talk to you as if you’re one of the guys.

I’m also wondering if your communication is stunted so that you DEMAND he stop watching porn and he retaliates by feeling you’re trying to control him and then lashing out at you. If you tweak your communication so that your request is simply a request and not a judgment or a tongue lashing, he may respond without anger. Men don’t like feeling backed into a corner — regardless of the subject matter.

Also, has this been a problem the entire relationship? Or did it just become a problem after a specific incident? Over a two and a half year relationship, it would be good to know if this problem existed the whole time and if so, why now, is it a problem for you, or if it’s suddenly a problem.

Tell me more!

And check me out and become a FREE member of my group, AskApril.com on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755[/url].

[Anonymous]

Way back when I first started talking to him about it, about a year ago, he said that he didn’t think it was a problem. He used porn purely for masturbation, and nothing really more. He said he only watches it on his home computer 2 or 3 times a week. This has been a problem through the whole relationship, but I only spoke up about it after being with him for a few months. Before I said anything he would openly show me pictures of porn, (usually other girls naked involving sexual acts, either in groups, with only two, by themselves, anything, and they never included other men) that he had saved on his computer. Before he lost most of his information on his computer, he had a lot of pictures, now it is only maybe 6. He frequently visits a site that is not specifically a porn site, but a forum where people tended to post porn very often, and where he had gotten most if not all of the porn he kept on his computer. He doesn’t look at these pictures with me around, nor does he go to this site with me around, but I know he still does, because he still keeps coming up with new wallpapers and funny pictures that are obviously specifically from that site. I told him how these pictures, the site, and the porn made me feel, and I had never started to actually ask him to stop until recently. I thought that if I told him how it hurt me he would tone it down or possibly even stop. He just automatically assumed that I was telling him to stop, and flat out said that it is not something that he is ever going to stop doing or watching. He says that it is perfectly normal that I shouldn’t have a problem with it. He thinks that if its not cheating then its ok, and since he is not doing anything to initiate sexual activity with someone else then it is also ok. Obviously that didn’t help my jealousy and how much it hurt, so when it became too much for me to handle I would bring it up again, and every time I brought it up, he would get angrier, to where it has gotten now, if I mention the subject we either have an argument or he says he doesn’t want to talk about it and just moves onto the next subject.

He used to talk about his co-workers, never a lot, but he would give one of them a nickname, calling her a stripper because he thinks that she looks like she would be a stripper. The name itself would put me in a bad mood instantly, and I think he used to do it to make me angry, because I honestly think he saw my jealousy as a joke. He no longer works at the same place, and usually does not talk about other girls anymore as “strippers” or “hot” in front of me because of all the arguments we have had about the subject. We are very close with each other, he has said that I know him better than anyone else he knows, so I think it is possible that he thinks of me as a best friend as well.

I feel like I should be okay with it, I’ve talked to so many other girls and they are all on extreme ends of the spectrum about it, some say that I should just be okay with it, it’s not doing any harm, and other say that porn is never okay and that they would feel the same way. Any information from guys that I’ve asked were all simply “just deal with it, its not a big deal.” I love him very much, and though I feel we both have a lot of maturing to do to make the relationship a little less, well, immature, we get a long great otherwise. But, part of me wants to not cement myself to someone who is so callous sometimes with my emotions that he thinks they are something to laugh at.

[April Masini]

Your extra information helped a lot. When you wrote that you felt that you should be okay with his watching porn, I think that’s the instinct you have to trust. It doesn’t sound like he has an addiction to porn and that it’s preventing him from living a productive life. It sounds like he is open with you (maybe too much!) about everything and you have to remember that you’re not going to like everything about everyone. Sometimes couples disagree on political views, how to raise children, how to spend money and who to befriend. In your case, a difference in the morality of his watching porn seems to be on the table. Since he’s refused to stop watching porn, you didn’t win the battle over getting him to stop, so you’re quickly blaming him for not taking care of your feelings. 😳 I think what you’re mad at is that you didn’t win — because it sounds like your relationship is good in many other respects, and that he does take care of your feelings in many other respects.

Try focusing on any insecurity you have about your own body, and when you talk to him about the porn, go a little deeper in your discussion and reveal WHY you don’t want him to watch. Tell him that you feel inadequate, if that’s what you really feel. Or tell him that you feel jealous or tell him that you’re afraid he’s going to leave you for someone with a hotter body than yours, if that’s what you really feel, and that that is the real reason you want him to stop watching porn — because his doing so evokes those feelings in you, and those feelings are uncomfortable.

He may be able to make you feel more secure by addressing the underlying issues you’re having and that will end up being a win win for you and for him. You have to remember that no matter how gorgeous, hot, sophisticated or rich someone is — there always seems to be someone who is more so out there. In a mature relationship each person acknowledges that the world is full of opportunities, but that you (or he) is the choice you’ve each made and are at peace with that choice. Owning that feeling will eliminate any insecurities.

I hope that helps. Let me know what transpires.

And in the meantime, please check out my newly forming AskApril.com group on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. Membership is FREE! 😀

[Celeste]

Thank you April!

I have not talked to him about any of this yet, I’m trying to see if I can work things out internally first. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay with my significant other lusting after other women, but I know that I can learn to accept that people are not perfect, which I realized is a problem that I have had for a long time. The one thing that always went through my head when I thought of just ending it is that how much of a chance was there that I was even going to find someone who did meet all of my “standards?” And I knew that I wasn’t. While I still don’t know if I want to marry this guy, marriage is a long and distant thought for me right now, I know that I am happy with him and that he makes me happy without him even trying to. You are right, I need to start seeing that people are people, and that if I can’t change myself in dramatic ways, then why should I expect everyone else too?

Thank you, your advice was what I have been looking for a long time!

[April Masini]

You sound like you’re [i]really[/i] on the right track now. 😀 So many times a problem at hand is just the symptom and the real problem is an underlying internal one like you’ve dredged up and are working on. I’m proud of you and trust you will make the right decision with your relationship now.

Don’t forget to check me out on AskApril.com on Facebook, and I hope you’ll join at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url]. 😀

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