[Fridaykaye26]

I am 28 and my boyfriend is 24. I have been married and divorced, and he has only experienced high school love. I have had many relationships and flings, and he has not. I had a tough, unstable childhood; we were poor and moved once a year or more. He had a good upbringing; he was spoiled and grew up in the family home. I have a tremendous amount of understanding and experience, and he does not. I am teaching him. You see, it’s these differences that attract us to one another. We both want we never had and live it through one another. He despises his childhood as do I- we would like nothing more than to have had a childhood like the other has had.

We fight over my past and his inability to understand that I made mistakes. We go through spurts of honesty where I feel comfortable telling him details about things that happened five, six, seven, or eight years ago, and how I had learned from the mistake. He acts enthralled and understanding, but a few months down the road when we have an argument, he throws these things in my face. It’s like he loves AND hates me all at the same time. Is this possible?

We are having such communication issues that we are on the verge of breaking up. I love him so much and am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. Suggestions?

[April Masini]

Yes, his loving and hating you at the same time makes sense, but what I think is really happening is that he’s conflicted. He loves things about you and he hates things about you, and he isn’t mature enough to process the fact that everyone has things about them that a lover or boyfriend or husband will love — and hate. To make a relationship work there has to be enough overlap in compatibility so that there is no instability. Because you’re familiar with instability in your own life, you need to make sure you don’t seek it out in your relationships. It sounds like by choosing this guy you’re doing exactly that — choosing someone who doesn’t have enough compatibility with your life to make things work in the long run.

Everyone comes to a relationship with baggage, but the trick to making it work, I always say, is to have [i]matching luggage. [/i] I’m not saying it can’t work, but relationships are a lot easier when there is mutual understanding in divorces, past relationships, children, etc. Differences are intriguing, but if there are too many and they are unresolved and constant sources of conflict, you’re looking at another break up down the line.

For example, imagine if you both spoke completely different languages, say, Portuguese and Farsi. And there was no common language. At first the differences would be charming and sexy and you’d find ways to communicate and make your dates work. Romance grows and the differences are still charming, but over time as you endure the stresses that every life and relationship goes through, those language differences are going to become wildly frustrating and the source of derivative anger because you just can’t communicate even though you’ve both learned some of each others’ languages. When the tension is highest, you both revert to your native languages and are frustrated that the other doesn’t speak your tongue.

Try to find someone who is more compatible with you from the start. There will always be differences, but it sounds like there are just too many for the two of you to bridge peacefully.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Facebook. Here’s the link for AskApril.com on Facebook: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

[Fridaykaye26]

Yes, April, your insight and advice make sense. It seems quite simple the way you put it, but I thought the worst, thought he was actually hating me! Indeed it is certain things about me that he cannot tolerate which brings us to another issue we’ve been having.

In the past, at the begining of our relationship, I did some things that he interpreted as sneaky and wrong that need be forgiven. I once told him (in an effort to be truthful) about a flirty conversation I had a bar, lasting no more than five minutes. In addition to that but well after, I received an email out-of-the-blue from a guy I had dated briefly. When we dated I was totally out of control, had a substance abuse problem, and had a dead end job with no aspirations. Since then I was totally sober and clean, gotten my life together, enrolled back in school, and was in-love with my boyfriend. I was proud of the change in me and wanted to communicate this with one who knew me as I was before, so I replied back. It was harmless and I did not delete the email afterwards in another effort to be truthful. But when my boyfriend came across it, my plan back-fired and he interpreted the message as yet another sneaky and wrong thing.

These events happened well over a year ago, but he still brings them up every single time we argue. He says I’m forgiven them, but still brings them up adversly! I believed that he hadn’t truely forgiven me and was intentionally torturing me, but a friend of mine told me that he is doing this because he has no valid defense for the things we argue over, so he is deflecting blame back on me. Of course it’s no surprise that anytime he messes up and knows he was wrong, he points the finger back at me. Truth is- I like my friends idea better than mine=)

Going back to the advice you previously gave me, I have tried dating men that were of closer compatability such as men who had much of the same experience I’ve had and men with similar backgrounds/childhoods. These past relationships DID NOT WORK and only caused me to take steps backwards. I was a miserable, lost individual finding other miserable, lost men to accompany me. My experiences with them got me nowhere, only allowed me to appreciate the goodness in my current boyfriend. He is so good to me in so many ways which is why I’m here, discussing our issues, asking advice, and searching for answers to hold onto him.

[April Masini]

It sounds like you’re the one who goes back and forth as well as he does. 😕 First you say he’s wonderful, but then you say he brings up guys you flirted with an entire year ago over and over again. You are aware of the maturity problem between the two of you but you seem very stubborn about not wanting to date other men because you haven’t met Mr. Right just yet. In your own words, you were [quote]…a miserable, lost individual finding other miserable, lost men to accompany me. My experiences with them got me nowhere…[/quote]

Well, if you were miserable of course those men you were going to pull in were going to be miserable, too. 🙁

The trick is to make sure you are healthy and open minded and then you’ll attract other healthy and open minded people into your life. If you can’t tell your boyfriend about your past without him throwing those events back in your face, as you put it, with judgment and anger, I don’t think he’s ready for the big issues in life that can challenge any relationship.

If there’s anything else you need help with, I’m happy to do so. I’m not sure this is what you want to hear, but I’m sure you know I’ll tell you the truth when no one else will! 😉

Join me on Facebook. I’d love to see you there. Here’s that link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=110265355684755&ref=mf[/url].

[Fridaykaye26]

You are right. I am stubborn. I don’t want to believe that this (us) just won’t work. Thanks.

[Fridaykaye26]

Maybe it’s that I’m trying to understand why it won’t work. What about the previous situation- do you think it’s a forgiveness thing or a defense thing?

[April Masini]

Please clarify what “previous situation” you’re talking about. If you are clear I can give you better advice! 😀

[Fridaykaye26]

Sorry, the situation I described above: He says I’m forgiven for things I’ve done one or two years ago, but when we have an argument because of something he’s done, he continously brings up the events I’m supposedly forgiven of.

Could it be that he really hasn’t forgiven me? Or that he has no valid defense for what he’s done so his only defense is to deflect blame back on me.

[April Masini]

I think that it’s the former. He brings up things he says he’s forgiven you for, in the heat of an argument, because the truth is he hasn’t let those things go completely. But that’s not the big problem here, and I hope you won’t distract yourself with derivative issues. The bigger problem looms. 😕

I hope you’ll join me on Facebook!! Here’s that link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001113133958[/url]

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