[Fridaykaye26]

I have been in a serious relationship for nearly three years and we live together. Lately, we have agreed on avoiding triggers to our problems when possible. There’s one thing in particular I need to work on: keeping my mouth shut when I’m dying to say something that will ignite the fire. It’s just so hard, almost like an itch I just have to scratch and BOOM the fire explodes.

Are there any secrets I’ve missed? If I’m in a situation where speaking out will cause a fight or argument, but where not speaking out defies my values, how can I bite my tongue to benefit the relationship?

[April Masini]

There’s a saying you might want to memorize: You can be right or you can be happy, but you can’t always be both at the same time. Anyone who wants to make a long term relationship work needs to understand that generosity is not just about diamonds and flowers. It’s about letting the other person be right sometimes — even when you know she’s not. Now, that’s chivalry.

If you can absorb this, and understand that the relationship isn’t just about you — it’s about her, too — and if you can let her be right even when you know she isn’t, you’re giving her something valuable that in turn expands your relationship and will keep you from fighting which HAS to make you happy on some level — you’ll do fine.

I hope this helps. Let me know how it goes, and please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter.

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