[April Masini]

Hi April,

I started corresponding with a woman who works at the same company as me.  (I’m based in California, and she’s in Toronto -both in our early 30s). At first, it was strictly work related, but there was something about her that sparked my interest, and I began IMing her at work.  Eventually we started chatting on the phone, texting, exchanging pics, etc. but hadn’t actually met in person. We’ve been talking for a year. She was hesitant bc she was afraid of getting hurt and bc relocation was not an option for either of us. She tried to end it once, but I knew she still had feelings, so I persisted and she came back around. She seemed vague on visiting me, and I was hesitant to visit someone who didn’t seem fully all in. Despite that, she honestly became my best friend.

I told her that I was going on a trip to Vegas. She mentioned she needed to use up a week of vacation and would see me there, and would be going with a few friends. Based on how risk averse she is, I was skeptical. Lo and behold, she texts me a photo from her hotel and she’s across the street from where I’m staying! The first night, she was in her lobby bar and said to come meet her, but I was with my boys gambling and drinking. She said ‘ok forget it’ and when I texted her later, she was jet lagged and headed to bed. The next day, I texted her some pics and she bluntly said ‘thanks for meeting yesterday -your loss. I’m not spending my vacation texting. If you want to meet, plan something. Otherwise have a good trip’. I had dreamed what it would be like to finally meet her for so long that I can’t really explain it even to myself why we didn’t end up meeting when she was literally across the street. The trip came and went and I didn’t contact her, nor did she contact me after that last text she sent.

It’s been two weeks and there’s been no contact. I see her online at work, but don’t message her, nor does she acknowledge me. What is going on in her head? If I reach out, will she lash out or even respond back at all? Most women I know would get angry, confrontational, etc. but from her – radio silence. Do you think she’s not contacting me because she thinks I’m upset and it’s all a big misunderstanding?

I did want to meet her – I can’t explain why I didn’t reach out but it’s not like she did either after that final text. Did I royally screw this one up? Any feedback would be appreciated.

[April Masini]

She went to Vegas to meet you and you never set up a date. 😳 She figures she went all that way and you didn’t feel she was important enough to make a date, so she’s cutting her losses. She’s moved on because of your lack of interest. Unless you make some grand gesture of apology and interest, she’s not going to come around — and even then, she’s probably done. I’m not sure how much time passed between meeting (I guess that would be online) and Vegas, but my advice is always that if you meet someone online and there’s no in person date in three months, to move on — they’re not that interested.

I hope that deciphers the code for you! 😉 Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the reply. I have to point out that her and I were not in an established relationship (not bf/gf, no I love yous exchanged, etc.). We always said if one of us started dating closer to home to just be honest about it (incidentally in the year that we’ve been talking, neither of us did). I didn’t invite her – she decided on a whim to come, and I wasn’t even positive she was serious until she was literally at her hotel. Was it really my responsibility to plan a date? Doesn’t she deserve some of the blame for having unrealistic expectations?

From a woman’s point of view, why do you think she’s not asking for an explanation? The silence is unsettling.

[April Masini]

This isn’t a situation where you need to blame her. It’s a learning curve. Yes, it was your move, after a one year long distance correspondence, to ask her out on a date when you were in the same city. You didn’t, and made your intentions clear to her. She was looking for more, and the radio silence you’re getting is the sound of her moving on. It’s nobody’s fault. She was interested in a date. You weren’t. You live in different states. To stay connected requires an effort she no longer feels is worth the output.

No blame. Just information. 😉

[quote]Was it really my responsibility to plan a date? [/quote]

Yes.

[quote]Doesn’t she deserve some of the blame for having unrealistic expectations? [/quote]

There’s no blame here. She wanted more. She learned you didn’t, and now she’s moved on. There’s no reason to blame anyone.

[quote]From a woman’s point of view, why do you think she’s not asking for an explanation?[/quote]

She doesn’t need one. She has it. 😉 You made yourself clear.

I hope that helps you decipher the situation.

[Anonymous]

The thing is…I did want to meet her. I DO want to meet her. She was supposed to come to California in the fall for a business conference and I told her about all the places I’d take her to visit, go for dinner, and I meant it. It eats at me that she probably thinks it was all BS and lip service, and I’m sure I come across as a royal jerk to anyone she talks about me to.

Her being across the street from me was just surreal. I guess I worried our connection wouldn’t translate in person, maybe she wouldn’t like me, who knows. I just know I miss her terribly and feel bummed out. It wasn’t a breakup exactly, but almost feels worse in a way. How do you get over someone you never met, and probably never will?

If I reach out, do you think she’ll ignore me or lash out? Or should I just leave her alone and chalk this up to a missed opportunity?

Thank you April – a wonderful service you provide

[April Masini]

If you really did want to see her — you didn’t act that way. 😕 You said that you’d been corresponding with her, long distance, for a year and she’d become your “best friend”. Yet when you were in the same city, and she invited you to come across the street for a drink, you chose instead to go out gambling and drinking with your buddies. That isn’t the behavior of a guy who wants to meet his best friend — who he’s never met in person and has been talking to online for a year. It’s really hard to believe you when you say you did want to meet her because your behavior indicated otherwise. All you had to do was meet up with your friends later and meet her for a drink across the street for an hour. After a year of not meeting her, and one street to cross to do so, you showed her she wasn’t that important.

You have to look at it from her point of view: this female “best friend” of yours heard you were going to be in Vegas and said she’d burn a week of vacation and see you there. You never told her not to come, and once there, you blew her off. There is nothing in your behavior that indicates you cared about meeting her. In fact, you rejected her after she made a grand gesture of flying out to meet you and inviting you for a drink. Yes, it was her mistake, as it turns out because she thought you were more into her. And now, she’s not going to do that again.

You can try making a grand gesture — flying out to see her, and trying to wine, dine and make up for your faux pas — but I don’t think you’re interested in doing that in spite of what you’re saying. 😉 Am I wrong?

[Anonymous]

You are not wrong in the sense that I don’t see myself flying to Toronto to beg her forgiveness. That’s straight out of the movies type stuff!

But the sadness and sense of loss is very real, I assure you. I wouldn’t invest a year of my life in just anyone. I don’t encounter women like her every day. Her coming to Vegas was out of character for such a risk averse lady. No excuse for my behavior really. I was a dummy, plain and simple, and I missed the boat. Thank you again – I deeply appreciate your honest feedback

[April Masini]

Thank you for your kind words, and if I can help, I’m happy.

Where you can consider making some changes is making sure your feelings and your behavior match up. If you really want to see her, you have to let go of any obstacles, like your own prejudice that flying to Toronto is “movie stuff”. By calling it “movie stuff” you’re distancing yourself from a solution that might work. Instead, be a little more honest with yourself that perhaps you like her, but you’re not ready for the kind of commitment she’s into. Or that women of child-bearing and clock-ticking age are going to want to see some dating results that you’re not ready to give them. Or that you really miss her — but not enough to get on a plane and tell her so. Or that you kind of liked her unavailability — and once she became available, you got a little scared. 😉

There’s a gap between your feelings and the way you articulate them. This is an opportunity to take a look at that.

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