[Fridaykaye26]

Great advice April! It sounded like “cold feet,” you know the kind that a bride and groom experience on their wedding day. But I think your advice hits the nail on the head in this case. Seven months in total, more than a third of the relationship by phone conversations, and only the few weeks spent together physically are no where near proper grounds for moving in. Freedomart, you should wait to move in until after you’ve spent enough time with and around your girlfriend to know if you all can cohabit some-what peacefully.

Of course I do everything backwards, and seem able to give good advice but not practice it! 😕

Best wishes to you. I hope things work out for you, what ever way they happen to work out. 😀

[Fridaykaye26]

First of all his explanation of why he will not move into a house with you and his child is totally unacceptable! Are the two of you still in a relationship?

[Fridaykaye26]

Sorry, the situation I described above: He says I’m forgiven for things I’ve done one or two years ago, but when we have an argument because of something he’s done, he continously brings up the events I’m supposedly forgiven of.

Could it be that he really hasn’t forgiven me? Or that he has no valid defense for what he’s done so his only defense is to deflect blame back on me.

[Fridaykaye26]

Hmm…great discussion! Well, as the bible said, desires of the heart belong to man but the desires of the mind belong to God.

So, this says that yes, it is a choice (if it is an emotion of love that determines the decision.) But if you use your logic and rationale to bring you to a point, and loving this person is icing on the cake, maybe then it is destiny and the bonus is you get to fall in-love.

[Fridaykaye26]

Maybe it’s that I’m trying to understand why it won’t work. What about the previous situation- do you think it’s a forgiveness thing or a defense thing?

[Fridaykaye26]

You are right. I am stubborn. I don’t want to believe that this (us) just won’t work. Thanks.

[Fridaykaye26]

If he says he does not want a commitment, he means it. Do not push for a label or you will scare him away; labels are over-rated and don’t always define the magic between two people. It is hard to do that when you really care for someone, but unfortunately in your case, you have to take it however it comes if you want to continue having him in your life.

Honestly, you deserve someone who’s proud to call you his girlfriend.

[Fridaykaye26]

I read as far as not being aloud, at work, to wear the promise ring he gave you which causes arguments. I had to stop and reply my thought on that before I forgot!

Why not wear the ring on a chain around your neck? That way you still have it on you.

[Fridaykaye26]

As I have done this type of thing before (strange behaivior with an ex), I can say that all the previous advice is true.

What it sounds like is, not only does have no clue what she wants, but she’s stringing you along as a sort of back-up plan in case her relationship(s) don’t work out. She knows that you still have feelings for her and it works to her advantage by making you “safe.” Do not allow your feelings to stop you from moving forward with your life. Myself and many others are prime examples of this classic scenario: by the time she actually is ready and realizes her mistake, she will come back and tell you this but you will have moved on. You will be so empowered when you explain this to her, and it will feel so good! I promise, mark my words!

In the mean while, enjoy your college experience. Focus on your studies, or parties even (haha); things that have nothing to do with her. You will be okay.

[Fridaykaye26]

Yes, April, your insight and advice make sense. It seems quite simple the way you put it, but I thought the worst, thought he was actually hating me! Indeed it is certain things about me that he cannot tolerate which brings us to another issue we’ve been having.

In the past, at the begining of our relationship, I did some things that he interpreted as sneaky and wrong that need be forgiven. I once told him (in an effort to be truthful) about a flirty conversation I had a bar, lasting no more than five minutes. In addition to that but well after, I received an email out-of-the-blue from a guy I had dated briefly. When we dated I was totally out of control, had a substance abuse problem, and had a dead end job with no aspirations. Since then I was totally sober and clean, gotten my life together, enrolled back in school, and was in-love with my boyfriend. I was proud of the change in me and wanted to communicate this with one who knew me as I was before, so I replied back. It was harmless and I did not delete the email afterwards in another effort to be truthful. But when my boyfriend came across it, my plan back-fired and he interpreted the message as yet another sneaky and wrong thing.

These events happened well over a year ago, but he still brings them up every single time we argue. He says I’m forgiven them, but still brings them up adversly! I believed that he hadn’t truely forgiven me and was intentionally torturing me, but a friend of mine told me that he is doing this because he has no valid defense for the things we argue over, so he is deflecting blame back on me. Of course it’s no surprise that anytime he messes up and knows he was wrong, he points the finger back at me. Truth is- I like my friends idea better than mine=)

Going back to the advice you previously gave me, I have tried dating men that were of closer compatability such as men who had much of the same experience I’ve had and men with similar backgrounds/childhoods. These past relationships DID NOT WORK and only caused me to take steps backwards. I was a miserable, lost individual finding other miserable, lost men to accompany me. My experiences with them got me nowhere, only allowed me to appreciate the goodness in my current boyfriend. He is so good to me in so many ways which is why I’m here, discussing our issues, asking advice, and searching for answers to hold onto him.

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