Need help! Dont know what to do and losing heart!

Ok..I want to apologize up front for this being long.

I met this guy online in probably early February. We started talking and it was like we had known each other forever! He is a very open and honest person. As in brutally honest. He doesnt lie and he doesnt keep the truth just to spare your feelings. He isnt MEAN about it. He would just rather be up front now than deal with a lot of drama and people getting hurt.

Now..a little back ground on him. He is a musician. I mean..pretty big time. Or at least he used to be and is trying to be again. He has had two MAJOR love affairs in his life time and both of those women cheated on him and left him. The last one was about 2 years ago and he still hasnt quite gotten over it. He has had some major health issues which is where I came into the picture. Just as things were getting bad. He is beyond funny, intelligent, and so different from anyone else I have ever met! He is very outgoing, the life of the party. Big flirt!! He makes everyone feel special.

So, we started talking and we talked a lot. Then we had a falling out the end of February which was my fault but a total misunderstanding. We didnt talk for about a month. The end of March we started talking again. This time I absolutely held back. He was the one always calling or texting me. And when I say always…I mean..ALWAYS. He would call or text me repeatedly through the day and always at night. We would talk for hours every day.

Then his health got worse. He couldnt go to work for awhile and it was during this time, April, that we finally met. We had spent so long on the phone that it was like we were already in a relationship. And in fact, we both talked about our feelings for the other one. The only weird thing was, we hadnt seen each other in person. He said we had to meet to see if that “spark” was there. He said he was sure it would be and that there wouldnt be any issues but we had to meet to make sure. Well, I guess he was wrong. Even though he knew everything about me (had seen pictures, knew everything about me, even my weight!) the date didnt go well. I was beyond nervous and I clammed up. He later said I had this look on my face like “What the hell did I get myself into?!” He said he felt snubbed because I couldnt talk to him. I loosened up a little later on but I guess the damage was done.

The next day I got the “Lets just be friends” speech and needless to say I was crushed. I just KNEW that if we met in person everything would just take off. He said that he didnt feel the spark and that everyone else he had ever been with it was there from the beginning. He said he wasnt closing any doors and that maybe down the road things would change but for now we should just remain friends and stay in each others lives and hang out and do stuff together. I figured after that he would fade from my life. I was wrong.

After that he started calling and texting me even MORE! Now, granted he was home all the time due to his health problems which, at this point, went from bad to worse. We would sometimes talk all night long. Seriously, he knows everything about me. He has been helping me deal with my rotten ex husband. He is going to help me get my own place and get a side job. We have talked about all these things we want to do together. Like trips, and tattoos, going out to eat, etc. He is getting my son a guitar and wants to be a positive male role model in his life.

He said he trusts me more than any woman he knows. And he tells me stuff he wouldnt tell his best friend..who is like his brother. He told me just yesterday that I am in the top 4 people he talks to all the time. And this is someone who knows about 10,000,000 people! He ignores work and blows off his friends to talk to me. He lets me listen to his music before its finished and he never lets anyone do that, not even people he has known for 15-25 years! He has told me that he has become dependent on me.

We discussed having a sexual, no strings attached, relationship. At first I thought I could do it and then I got nervous and backed out. He said that it wouldnt have mattered if I had said yes because he wouldnt have done it anyway. He said he respects me too much and he knew that even if I said I could do it without getting attached, that he knew I couldnt. So, that was kind of the end of that. Until last week when I told him that I had been thinking about it and I had decided that I COULD do it. He said he was flattered but that he couldnt do it. He said he just respects me too much and he doesnt want to be the cause of me being hurt. He said that even if I thought I could do it that two days later I would be a mess about it and he didnt want to put me in that situation, that he cant function if I am not ok. He said that sometimes he wished he could have meaningless sex with me but he just cant. He said he wouldnt think of picking up some chick in a bar and having sex with her in the bathroom for 20 minutes and being done with it but he cant do that with me. The more he talked the more it seemed like he was worried that it would mean too much to HIM..instead of me.

We have only seen each other two other times in person since that first date. One was for about 20 minutes when he meet me to pick out a new computer and the other was for about 2 minutes when I was dropping something off for him. We make plans but something always comes up. Thats his life though. Its crazy. Always has been, even before me.

Anyway, the problem here is that I cant help feeling like I am falling for him. I have tried so hard to keep my feelings in check because he has told me a couple of times that there is no romantic feelings from him towards me. He said that we are more than best friends, but he doesnt know what we are. He said he cares about me a lot. There are all these things he wants to do for me. I am the one he trusts with all his deep, dark, dirty secrets and the stuff going on in his life. I have been right there, on the phone anyway, through months of hell with him while he was going through all this medical stuff. He has told me that he knows that I care about him more than anyone else and that I care about him unconditionally…which no one does.

Then, he found out he has to have surgery next week and he said he needed me to come take care of him afterwards because he doesnt have anyone else. Of course I said I would and I even put in for vacation time. When he found out about that he got upset. He said he wasnt sure yet if he was going to need me or not and that when he is sick or in pain he tends to want to be alone and hide. This I know well after the last few months! I also knew that when I took the time off. I dont care. I just want him to know I am there for him.

I would do anything for him. If I believed in soul mates (and I dont know that I do) thats what we would have to be. We are a lot alike but very different, however we compliment each other so well. He has a million people pulling at him all day long, sucking the life out of him. I have tried my hardest to make sure he knows I am here for him and will do anything for him, and I want to be the person He goes to when the world is falling in and that I dont want to be yet another person who talks to him because I need something from him, or because of who he is, or who his connections are.

What I dont understand is this. Every time he talks about another girl he will say things like “There is nothing going on. I am not dating her. She isnt a girlfriend. There was never anything romantic or sexual with her. She has a boyfriend. She is married.” I dont ask. But he always feels the need to tell me. I dont understand why, if we arent together, he feels the need to explain this. He tells me about the conversations he has with other women. Is he trying to make me jealous? And if so, why? He has made it clear he doesnt want a romantic relationship.

When he said we should just be friends, a few weeks later he said that the main reasons he said that was because he knew I was the kind of person who gives herself over to the person she is with and that I have things I need to work on (which he knows because we have talked about EVERYTHING). He said he is the same way and knowing that he also has things to work on that we should work this stuff out first, helping each other, and then see where it leads. He also said that another big thing is that I dont have my own place. I have lived with my parents since I split from my ex husband. And he is helping me get my own place. He is also helping be the kind of person who is independent and strong willed and stands on my own two feet.

All my friends think he is totally into me but scared. There are a lot of issues that keep him at bay I suppose. His health issues, his music, the past relationships. He is REALLY scared to get hurt again. So I am taking my time and trying to prove to him that I wont hurt him. That I know what its like and I would NEVER do that to anyone! They all think that eventually he will come around but I just dont know. And now, even though he is having surgery next week, his health has gotten SO much better! He is happy again and working and recording. Its a wonderful thing to see!! But on the other hand…I have kind of slipped into the background. I dont think he would ever forget me. He has told me before that he thinks about me all the time and how highly he thinks of me. I am usually the first person he calls when anything important happens as well.

I hope this isnt too convoluted and that you can understand it all. I hope he didnt come off as a bad guy because he isnt. Most guys would just be leading me on and would take advantage of this situation but he hasnt. I do believe that he really cares about me. I just dont know if there is a romantic future here or not. I mean, I realize he says that right now he cant give that to me. But is there something here I am not seeing or understanding? Is there something I can do to change things and set this on the road to something romantic?

Any help you can give me on this would be MORE than appreciated!!!!
Thank you!!!!!

**Edited to say:

The reason I feel forgotten now is because he doesnt call as much. But its because he is working. He seriously needs to make some money because he hasnt been able to for over a month now. So its not like he is intentionally ignoring me. But to be honest, it still hurts. We still communicate a least a few times a day but I miss him! And I know thats crazy! I can talk to him about anything and I HAVE talked to him about this. He said its completely the opposite and that he is just trying to work and make money and that now things will be better for me because he can do all the things we talked about doing, once he makes some money and now that his health is better. I guess I am just jealous because I am not the only person in his life anymore.

**ALSO edited to say:

He has said to me just recently that I have total freedom here (when we were talking about the sexual relationship) because if I met someone tomorrow and fell in love then he (this guy I am into) would be out of luck and it would be all his fault. Huh?

Yeah…he called me and I on the phone with him right now.