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April Masini, your AskApril.
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September 10, 2010 at 5:43 pm #3021
kelleen
Member #18,983I have been waiting for my daughter’s father to come around for 14 years. We have an up and down relationship and he has been giving me mixed messages for a long time. He lives in Key West and has been sober at my request for 6 months. My daughter and I live in Buffalo. We met him on vacation in July and then he came here for 10 days last month. This is a lot of visiting considering we only saw him for a week or two every 3-4 years before this for the most part. We have fought a lot in the past and there are some issues from the past that come up we can’t seem to get past, although; I want to as does he. He says he is not attracted to me because of our history. I know it is not because of my looks. I am well educated and successful and he is a waiter. We finish each other’s sentences and play well off each other as has been noted by close friends. I know I should move on and find someone who is my equal, but I really want us to be a family and he gives me just enough string to hang on, dropping hints now and then that he plans to move to be near us or move in with us occasionally. Since his return home on Tuesday, I have avoided initiating contact with him to give him time to think he could lose me. This hasn’t been effective; however, because he calls me, texts or instant messages me several times almost daily. Yesterday he sounded hurt and dejected when I missed his calls 3 times. I feel like we are on the verge of a breakthrough, but I am not sure what I need to do to get him to realize what he has in me. What can I do?
September 12, 2010 at 11:00 pm #15297April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterFirst of all, you’re being unrealistic. In 14 years you haven’t been able to make this work. There is nothing you’ve written to make me think that anything is different enough now for him to suddenly want to be with you in any way other than what he’s had with you for almost a decade and a half. 😳 Why do you write that you feel you’re on the verge of a breakthrough? I don’t see it, but maybe you haven’t told me everything.All that said, if you want to get a man, you have to give him something to chase. If you make yourself available to him by text, e-mail or phone three times day, you’re not giving him something to chase. You’re being available for him whenever he wants however he wants.
😕 Let me know how old you are, he is and how old your daughter is. Have either you or he been married to anyone? Does he have other children? Do you? If you’re well educated and successful and across the country from him, and he’s a waiter with an alcohol issue who says he’s not attracted to you and the two of you have several issues you “can’t seem to get past” — wouldn’t you want someone different than him? It really seems like 14 years is an awfully long time to be holding out for someone who seems so troubled.
I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go. And join me on Facebook. Here’s that link:
[url][/url] September 16, 2010 at 9:20 am #15430Member #18,983I am 45, he is 43 and our daughter is 13. I have two adult children from a previous marriage and have not married again after 23 years being single. He has never married and does not have any other children. He tells me that things may change if I can get a job somewhere where we all can move and start fresh on neutral ground. Of course he offers no details of what that change might be. I know I should be dating men who are more my equals, but even though were have such distance between us, I feel like we are great friends. And he was attracted to me at some point, before all the ugliness of the fighting over the years. I don’t know why I am continuing to let him string me along. But when I have dated other men, I feel like I am forcing something. I appreciate your advice and will continue to try to create some distance. Thank you. September 16, 2010 at 11:48 am #15621April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterYou’re being unrealistic. 😳 I appreciate all the information because it helps me see the bigger picture, but frankly, that picture doesn’t work in your favor. The biggest question you need to ask yourself is WHY you don’t feel you deserve more.😕 This guy does not treat you well and does not give you any real indication that you’ll ever be together, and you’ve wasted 14 years thinking about him when he couldn’t be clearer. If there is any confusion, it’s because you’re not seeing the reality of the situation….because you don’t want to.Really intelligent women with advanced educational degrees and fabulous careers get dumb in relationships.
😮 It sounds like you have a lot to offer the world, a good man, your daughter and yourself — but something keeps you from doing so.Think of your 13 year old daughter who is watching every move you make like a hawk, whether you realize it or not. She’s modeling herself as a woman after you. Be the woman you want her to be and accept your past and present friendship with her father who is flawed and unavailable for more than you have now, and get out there and look for a HEALTHY, HAPPY, MUTUALLY RESPECTFUL relationship that your daughter can see because she’s going to pattern her own womanhood after yours.
Read Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here:
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] I wish you good luck — and your daughter, too! Please let me know how it goes — and join me on Facebook as well. Here is that link:
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