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April Masini, your AskApril.
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April 19, 2016 at 10:24 am #7484
Mya71
Member #373,646Hi April –
I am diagnosed with major depression and anxiety, and on meds for them.
My husband states I have a communication problem which I agree. He states:1. I have “blinders on” which upsets him, and not sure about others. I’d be too focused on tv or activity without realizing they started talking to me. “Unaware of my surroundings” as he put it. At times I don’t realize it till it’s too late when my hubby calls me on this and gets upset
2. Passive listening problems. He gets upset when I don’t aknowledge at all when he’s talking to me when I’m invloved with an activity or tv. At times I hear it correctly what he just stated other times I missinterpret or don’t remember sections of the conversation. I don’t realize It until after the fact hubby calls me out on this and gets upset.
3. Saying “I’m Sorry” automatically after unintended/accident happens. I grew up with a family that already acknowledges your sorry and it was an accident not intentional and “I’m sorry” wasn’t necessary to say. He gets upset when I later in the day or next day I acknowledge “I’m sorry”. I agree I probably don’t say it as often but If a delayed “I”m sorry” would still be acceptable and forgiven. To correct this behavior I said I’d document it and show my progress, and back me up when I did say “I’m sorry” if he forgets I said it. He got upset that I shouldn’t have to do that and it was a trust issue and I’m documenting it as amunition against him. If I do this our relationship of trust is over. My husband and our 16yr old son are together ganging up on me on this. My son is like a mini-me of his Dad. My husband STILL constantly brings up past bad events which he says he’s forgiven me after I said “I’m sorry” already! It makes me depressed and not want to be with them.
I’ve talked to Pschy. Drs and had tests done on me finding that my cognitive reaction time is slower than average. Hubby states it’s not accurate due to anxiety over testing.
I feel he doesn’t love me as he use too and he stated once that “I make it hard for him to love me”. He’s easily upset if I say something wrong. He enjoys being with my son then with me (what I’ve observed). He stated if I fix my problems I we won’t have a relationship problem. He is 10 yrs older and worldly experienced than I and previously married once. This is my first marriage and I’ve lived a sheltered life, and don’t have the worldly experience due to controling parents
He states he’s forgiven me after I said “I’m sorry” and he keeps bringing it up. To me he hasn’t and it’s irrepairable. I grew up once forgiven it’s forgotten and go on with life. My gut tells me it’s time to get a divorce and move on and my mind/ethics tells me I made to keep my marriage committment promise “for better or for worse”.
I’m depressed and confused, and feel my family isn’t helping me or don’t understand. I feel at times he makes it difficult for me to be the one to bow out in the relationship and blame me for it. It’s becoming to be a hatefull marriage feeling. And I don’t know what I should do?Mya71
April 19, 2016 at 12:44 pm #33776April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterFirst of all, I’m not a physician so I can’t comment on your medical diagnoses or prescriptions. I can only talk about your relationship issues — and you should talk to your doctors about what’s going on in our relationships and if the medications are causing or adding to these issues you’re having. What I can tell you is that you have communication problems with your husband and the two of you are growing further apart because you’re focusing on what separates the two of you and not what binds you. Every marriage has communication issues, especially after a long term, like yours. Every marriage goes through bumps. And what you’re describing does not sound like reason for divorce. But it does need some behavior modification and change so you’re not feeling like you’re always doing things wrong.
😉 [b]What’s important is that you focus on the good! Make sure you’re having date night. Keep your sex life spicy and fresh. Plan weekends away or vacations, just the two of you. This is the biggest thing you can do to improve your marriage.
[/b]
As for the problems you mention….Your blinders on issue — ask your physician if your medications are affecting our response time. Tell your doctors what’s going on. This might fall into their realm. Tell your husband that you’re very appreciative of his concern and ask him to go with you to to the doctor so you’re working as a team on this issue in the relationship.
The passive listening problem — this is where you can practice active listening. Nod when you agree with what he’s said. Tell him when you understand. Ask him to explain. And try to participate in the conversation instead of being a bystander. This is something you can get better at with practice.
Don’t “document” your progress. Your husband feels that this is “ammunition” against him, and I understand that. Do you? Instead, ask him, “How am I doing?”
Let me know if you have any other questions.
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