[AlkArl]

Hi! this is my bf and I writing this letter together, first it’s my turn.

Although I dated him for a year, I am facing two difficult issues in our relationship. The first is that I grew up in a very, very orthodox Jewish lifestyle. This means that my family would not accept either of us if we got married. I would need to give up my family and friends and disappoint a lot of people. I have a few cousins who left the strict religion and my family does not acknowledge them as part of the family. How can I find the strength to leave all of these people for my own and his happiness? Isn’t that selfish? Why doesnt anyone else in my religion do it…is it because its wrong to fall in love with someone not of this faith??

The second issue I have is that we have been dating strictly online because we both live in completely different areas of the world. He lives in Australia and I live in Canada. It has been difficult for him to obtain a visa and it has put a lot of pressure on our relationship. I cannot continue to risk my family and friends for online dating. I love him so much but I need to meet him before I commit to marriage. Doesnt it make sense to wait until we meet before I decide to take the jump? Aren’t people different in real life then they are online sometimes? 

What do we do? I dont care if I break my own heart as long as I am hurting the least amount of people possible. I truly, truly love him with all my heart. 

-The Girlfriend
_____

Hello, I love this woman to bits. We have 8 year age gap, I hit 30 this year. We got serious nearly 6-8 months ago. I don’t want this only to be online, so I’ve been making changes in my life to move to her. However, due to my family’s financial situation and couple of other factors, my visit has been pushed further. I promised her I’ll be there by feb/march this year but it seems it may take a few more months. I have no other intentions but to be with her.
I had a bad break up a few years ago, it was a horrible experience getting out of it. From my experience, I told her that we should cut all ties if she decides to only be friends. Since we both have very strong feelings for each other, it will not be easy to stay in touch everyday and be friends. We try to spend all the weekends together if possible and any other day when she and I can be home between work/school.
I do not want to lose her. But at the same time I am worried we’re crawling towards a bad breakup. I hope it is just a fear I have from my past experience but its makes me so insecured since she brought up the religious difference a month ago. We had a perfect relationship with no fear or doubts or insecurities. But now, she is unsure of me and I feel so insecure. The bottom line however though is that I want to live my life around her to and do all I can to make her happy. She is the best thing that happened to me. And she wants to be with me and no one else. But we’re stuck.

Kindly give us your advice on what to do here.

-The Boyfriend

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Online dating is a great way to meet people, but it’s not a great way to conduct an entire relationship, and I always advise that if you meet online, and haven’t met in person in three weeks, to move on. 😉 But the more important issue you have here are [u]relationship deal breakers[/u], which are crucial to know [i]before[/i] you begin dating — whether you’re dating online or in person. If religion is important to you, then you should understand that and be upfront about it. It’s not fair to yourself, or the other person, to not work this one through [i]before[/i] dating. Some people want to date within their religion, or within an age group, or only people with or without children, etc. Self knowledge is crucial, and it is a responsibility. For now, it sounds like Alk has some personal issues that are making her unavailable to be in a real life relationship with Arl.

Here are the answers I can give you to your specific questions:

[quote]How can I find the strength to leave all of these people for my own and his happiness? [/quote]

Strength comes from your beliefs.

[quote]Isn’t that selfish? [/quote]

Selfish can be a good and a bad thing. We all do what we do to satisfy ourselves. Even doing charity or being so called “selfless” is to behave in ways that we think are right because being right makes us feel good, beyond any feeling of sacrifice.

[quote]Why doesnt anyone else in my religion do it…is it because its wrong to fall in love with someone not of this faith??[/quote]

You’d have to ask them! I can only really help you with your own decisions. I do know that people leave religions all the time, just as they join them — and many stay in the ones they were born with. This forum is not a morality forum. It’s relationship forum, and what’s right for one person is wrong for another, and vice verse. But you should remember that feelings and behavior are different. And just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you should marry them or stay with them, and many people who are committed, don’t always love their spouse because feelings come and go. Mature relationships are about feelings and commitments that show up in behavior.

My advice is that you decide who you wants to date and marry — what your deal breakers are — before doing so, and that your boyfriend decide that if he is serious about dating that leads to marriage, he only date available women.

I hope that helps.

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[AlkArl]

Hi! Thank you for your thought out response. Can you answer the rest of the questions? Thanks 🙂

[AlkArl]

Also, what do we do if I (the girl) decide to break up? Do we just stop talking or can we pull away slowly or how does it work? I’ve never dated anyone else and have never gone through a break up. I am so alone in life, and no one knows I’ve dated him for a year. My family already hates that I have friends out of the religion much less a boyfriend. I rely a lot on our conversations to pull me through the day. 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are all types of ways to break up, but the best is short and sweet because it’s easier to move on that way, and that’s the purpose of a break up. Trying to remain friendly doesn’t work, and I don’t recommend it. The problem I think you’re having is that you don’t want to move on, because you’re not sure about your decision to date and marry within your religion. But, you have to deal with that issue in order to be comfortable in any relationship. It sounds like you are very attached to your family and your culture and religion — but you started an internet relationship with a guy who’s outside of the world you live in. 😕 Now, he’d like you to make more of a commitment than you have, and you’re not ready or sure about what you want to do. These are important and personal questions you have to pose and answer for yourself.

Your loneliness is a problem that can be solved by making friends, or by dating men in person or by nurturing your career. Lots of internet-only relationships, where there is no real life contact become the temporary solutions to personal problems like loneliness and isolation. My advice is that you focus on your being lonely and figure out a way to solve that problem either through work, charity, social life, family events, political interests — there all kinds of ways to fill a day that are meaningful, and your job is to be creative and craft a plan so you are happy and healthy as an individual, so that when you do meet someone to date, you’re not reliant on them to cure your loneliness, but to be someone you can enjoy as a boyfriend and possibly husband. 😉

I hope that helps!

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[AlkArl]

I feel like I don’t know what I want from life yet and that at 21 years old its a really hard thing to decide. I am really so afraid of making a mistake by not having him anymore because I know he is an incredible man. What if I’m not sure what I want to do?

He is also attached to his family and culture, but his family does not hate him for dating someone outside of it whereas mine will. I half want to stay and half want to go and my mind wont make up its mind, so to say. I don’t know what to do, and I’m lost. I’m breaking both of our hearts into tiny pieces with each day that passes. How do I deal with the issue of religion? How do I make a decision, because my mind wont do it. Do I just pull it out of a hat and go with it?

I cannot even think of dating, because my original purpose was to wait until I graduated college. Now, I cannot think of it because I can’t imagine another man will be as amazing as this one. Although I’ve never dated anyone in “real life” nor online before this, the marriages I see in my family are miserable with divorces in between it all. This guy and me fell in love over the past whole year without me having purposely thought it through.

Thank you for helping, it feels so good to hear another persons take on this situation especially when neither of us really have any mutual friends.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I feel like I don’t know what I want from life yet and that at 21 years old its a really hard thing to decide. I am really so afraid of making a mistake by not having him anymore because I know he is an incredible man. What if I’m not sure what I want to do?[/quote]

Life is all about making decisions, and we all try to make good ones, and we do the best we can, and still, sometimes we make mistakes. It sounds like he’s deciding whether or not to visit you in a few months, so the two of you can have your first date — but you, too, have a decision to make, and a responsibility to make it. 😉

[quote]How do I deal with the issue of religion? How do I make a decision, because my mind wont do it. Do I just pull it out of a hat and go with it? [/quote]

If you can’t make a decision about dating inside or outside of your religion, then put off dating for a while. You may not be mature enough to date yet. You have plenty of time. Take the pressure off. 🙂 If that doesn’t appeal to you, and you still won’t make a decision on the issue of dating outside your religion, then leave the decision and the responsibility to him by default. At that point, my advice to him, if you can’t or won’t make a decision, is to visit you, and see if you’ll date him when he’s there — knowing that you may not. He can see how things go when he’s there. But I don’t think he should put all of his eggs in one basket, or rush into monogamy — because your indecision indicates an uncertainty about a future with him.

[quote]I cannot even think of dating, because my original purpose was to wait until I graduated college. [/quote]

If you can’t think of dating, then let him know you’re too young and you’re not ready. There’s plenty of time in life.

[quote]Now, I cannot think of it because I can’t imagine another man will be as amazing as this one. Although I’ve never dated anyone in “real life” nor online before this, the marriages I see in my family are miserable with divorces in between it all. This guy and me fell in love over the past whole year without me having purposely thought it through.[/quote]

Slow down, play the field, and let him know you’re just sure that if he does come to visit you, you can go through with dating him, let alone anything else. Don’t rush into things — ESPECIALLY if you’ve seen a lot of divorces in your family. Rushing into things without knowing yourself or your partner, won’t end well.

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[AlkArl]

[quote]I feel like I don’t know what I want from life yet and that at 21 years old its a really hard thing to decide. I am really so afraid of making a mistake by not having him anymore because I know he is an incredible man. What if I’m not sure what I want to do?[/quote][quote]Life is all about making decisions, and we all try to make good ones, and we do the best we can, and still, sometimes we make mistakes. It sounds like he’s deciding whether or not to visit you in a few months, so the two of you can have your first date — but you, too, have a decision to make, and a responsibility to make it. 😉 [/quote][quote]is to visit you, and see if you’ll date him when he’s there — knowing that you may not. He can see how things go when he’s there. But I don’t think he should put all of his eggs in one basket, or rush into monogamy — because your indecision indicates an uncertainty about a future with him. [/quote]

He does not want to come visit me on a maybe on marriage. He wants me to be absolutely certain before he see’s me. I understand his unwillingness because he lives so far away and he is not wealthy. Also when he comes he will be required to spend at least 6 months here, in a country he does not know. Yet I feel like its impossible to make a decision until I meet him…what do you think?

[quote]I cannot even think of dating, because my original purpose was to wait until I graduated college. [/quote][quote] If you can’t think of dating, then let him know you’re too young and you’re not ready. There’s plenty of time in life. [/quote]

Then it will be too late for us wont it? What if I recognize I made a mistake a year later, when I’m old enough and mature enough to make such a decision?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]He does not want to come visit me on a maybe on marriage. He wants me to be absolutely certain before he see’s me. I understand his unwillingness because he lives so far away and he is not wealthy. Also when he comes he will be required to spend at least 6 months here, in a country he does not know. Yet I feel like its impossible to make a decision until I meet him…what do you think?[/quote]

First of all, I don’t even know what a “maybe marriage” is. 🙄 In fact — there is no such thing. And any many who wants you to be sure that you want to marry him, before he comes to see you for a first date, isn’t the kind of man you should want to marry — or date. If a man really loves you, he’ll want you to be happy and healthy and he’ll want you to be sure before you commit to him. If what you’ve described is true, than he’s got control issues that are not healthy. Your feeling that it is impossible to know if you want to marry someone before you meet them is entirely sane. His need to have you commit before meeting is not healthy or in your best interest. This isn’t love. This is two people with two separate issues: loneliness and fear of rejection. I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need to snap out of this drama and get back to reality. 😉

[quote]Then it will be too late for us wont it? What if I recognize I made a mistake a year later, when I’m old enough and mature enough to make such a decision?[/quote]

Too late for what? 😯 You have not gone on a single date with this guy. 😕 And he won’t visit you unless you commit to something called a “maybe marriage” which is crazy. You’ve conducted an online relationship with a man who you don’t even know if you want to date because he’s a different religion than you are — and you’re asking questions about breaking up and marriage, without a single date in your entire life. Bottom line: There is nothing TO lose because you don’t have anything here. You’re a lonely young woman who’s never dated anyone, and you got involved with someone you’ve never met online, to quell your loneliness. Now, you’re creating drama where there really is none and you’re involved with a man who doesn’t have your best interests at heart.

The more you talk about this, the more it’s pretty clear the problem here is your loneliness. My advice is to move on. The only thing you’ll lose is an obsession you have with a guy you met on the internet. Back to my original rule from the first post you wrote here: If you meet a guy online and he doesn’t make a date to see you within three weeks, there’s something very wrong. 😥

Finish college and date guys you meet in real life, or those you meet on the internet, who are willing to date you in real life within three weeks of meeting. Anyone else, let go.

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[Ethan Morales]

I want to acknowledge how intense and confusing this all is for both of you. You’re dealing with a combination of cultural, religious, geographical, and emotional barriers, and that naturally complicates things. At the core, your feelings are real you both clearly care deeply for each other but the logistics and expectations around commitment are creating stress that neither of you is fully equipped to handle right now. It’s understandable that you’re both feeling insecure and stuck.

The religious and family pressures on you (the girlfriend) are enormous. Choosing to date or marry outside of a deeply orthodox tradition comes with real consequences, including potential loss of family and community. Feeling guilty or selfish is normal, but leaving your family or upsetting them is not inherently selfish it’s a personal life choice. What matters is understanding your own priorities and limits, and being honest with yourself about what you’re willing to risk for your own happiness. It’s not about right or wrong, but about clarity for your own life.

The online-only aspect of your relationship adds another layer of uncertainty. You cannot fully know someone solely through virtual communication, and it’s perfectly reasonable to want an in-person meeting before making life-altering decisions like marriage. At the same time, the boyfriend’s insistence on a firm commitment before visiting is concerning it’s an unreasonable demand to commit to a marriage without even meeting first. Healthy relationships, especially across distance, require flexibility, trust, and realistic expectations, not preemptive promises of lifelong commitment.

Your loneliness and lack of experience (girlfriend) is clearly amplifying your anxiety. It’s normal to feel attached to someone who provides emotional support, especially when you haven’t dated before. But relying on one person to fill all emotional needs is risky. The reality is that your relationship may be more about emotional comfort than long-term compatibility. You need to work on developing your own life, friendships, and activities so that your choices are grounded in clarity rather than fear of losing support or love.

I’d echo April Masini’s advice: slow down and prioritize real-life interactions. You have not met in person, and it’s impossible to make a fully informed decision about marriage or life together without that experience. The “maybe marriage” demand is unrealistic and unhealthy. The best course is to let him visit without preconditions, evaluate how you interact in real life, and then make decisions about the future based on that experience. No rush, no pressure clarity comes with shared experiences, not letters or online conversations.

In terms of next steps: focus on clarity and personal growth first. Make a decision about whether dating outside your religion is something you are willing to explore before moving forward. Establish boundaries around online communication and emotional reliance so that you can approach each other from a place of reality, not neediness. And remember: nothing is “too late” at your age it’s better to take your time, meet in person, and make informed choices than to rush into lifelong decisions from a purely virtual connection. Patience and self-awareness now will prevent heartbreak later.

[Tara]

You are both trying to build a lifelong commitment on fantasies, fear, and distance. This isn’t a love story; it’s an emotional hostage situation where each of you is terrified of losing the other but equally terrified of the reality required to be together.

Girlfriend, you’re not choosing between love and family. You’re choosing between the life you were raised in and the life you actually want. That isn’t selfish, it’s adulthood. But pretending you’re ready to sacrifice your entire community for a man you’ve never met in person is delusion, not devotion. You’re right to hesitate. You should hesitate. People act differently in real life, chemistry isn’t guaranteed, and uprooting your entire identity before even meeting him is reckless. Your fear is not the problem; your fantasy is.

Boyfriend, you want her like she’s oxygen, but you’re asking her to leap without offering a parachute. “I’ll get there eventually” is not a plan; it’s a promise that keeps shifting whenever reality knocks. And telling her you can’t be “just friends” is emotional pressure disguised as vulnerability. You’re placing the entire future of this relationship on her decision while you’re still struggling to even get on a flight.

Here’s the bottom line: love doesn’t solve logistics, religion, distance, or fear. Hard decisions do. And neither of you has made one.
You want clarity? Then face the facts.

You two should meet in person first before talking about marriage, life changes, or family fallout. Not through screens. Not through promises. In person. If the connection is real, you’ll have something solid to fight for. If it’s not, you’ll have avoided blowing up your lives for a fantasy.

[Natalie Noah]

You’re carrying two huge truths at the same time: your love for him, and your love for your family and both matter. Neither one cancels out the other. Leaving a strict religious community is never a small choice, and it’s not just about romance it’s about identity, belonging, history, expectations, and fear of being cut off from the only world you’ve ever known. That isn’t “selfish” to consider. It’s human. People don’t leave simply because they’re in love; they leave when they’ve spent years wrestling with what they believe, who they are, and what kind of life they want to build. That process takes time, maturity, and independence not pressure, not guilt, and not a deadline.

Your relationship is real emotionally, but incomplete practically. You’re right to feel that you cannot commit to marriage without meeting. That’s not doubt that’s wisdom. You’re also right that people can feel different in person. Chemistry, comfort, safety, attraction, ease… those things only reveal themselves in real life. And he is right that traveling so far is a big step. But asking you to promise marriage before ever meeting is unfair, unrealistic, and rooted in his fear not in love. Love gives space. Fear demands certainty. You’re not wrong for needing real-world experience before making a lifelong choice.

What’s really hurting both of you is that you’re trying to make marriage-level decisions with pre-marriage experience, and at 21, that’s overwhelming. You are not behind. You are not failing. You are simply young, thoughtful, and feeling the weight of every possible future. But your hesitation doesn’t mean you don’t care it means you’re not ready to build your life around someone yet. And that is completely okay. If the two of you step back, gently, without cutting each other off cold, it will hurt but it will hurt far less than forcing yourself into a choice you’re not ready for. Hearts heal. Lost family connections do not heal easily.

If you do choose to end the relationship, you don’t have to ghost each other or cut everything overnight but you also can’t stay in an everyday, emotionally intense relationship, because that keeps the wound open. Go slow, be kind, taper the contact, and allow space for life to happen. You will not lose your future by letting go of this right now. If you two are truly meant for each other your paths will cross again when you are older, steadier, and free to choose him without fear. And if not, then this relationship was the doorway that taught you what your heart is capable of. You’re not throwing anything away. you’re growing into the version of yourself who can make decisions with clarity instead of panic. And that is something you deserve.

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