[Asterys]

Hi all, I have posted on a board like this before about the same issue and due to trying to convey my situation I rambled and veered off topic, so I figured if I outline whats happened maybe someone can advise me.

my partner and I have been together for 5 years.

Since the beginning of our relationship I have known there was an instance of rape when she was 16 within a relationship. I have never pushed the matter and listened when she told me what she was willing to, IMO thats up to my partner to tell me what she is comfortable with and for me to try and support her as best as I can with what she tells me.

Although we had the usual honeymoon period it became clear within three months that my partner had issues with intimacy, including hugging, kissing, snuggling on the sofa and sex. We would be intimate from time to time, with non sexual acts being initiated or, for want of a better description, approve, by my partner. If I hugged her and she was not happy, I would be shrugged off.

She has confessed to me that at this time but not for all of our relationship she does not like being touched, nor the thought of being touched. It is not me and she does not find me unattractive but at the same time it feels as though she is also saying she finds no attraction, anywhere, even from sight alone. For this reason I am comfortable it is not exclusive at this time to me, the reasons for this lack of intimacy. Which is encouraging because perhaps this means it is something that can be worked through.

Sex dwindled and we haven’t kissed in over two years or had sex for roughly a similar period. Resentment has built on my part which has turned to anger. We snipe at each other I admit I feel useless because I do not know how to handle things in order to make a change.

A few nights ago we decided to have some time apart, still being together but just see if space helped us decide what we both want. My partner insists she does not want to hurt me or isolate me which is how I have felt through constant rejection. I am not angry at her for this, I am angry at the situation, my inability to change things and that boils over and as you can imagine has a very negative effect on our relationship. So much so we have now reached this point of time apart. This will be the first Christmas and New Year we have spent apart in all the highs and lows of our relationship.

I have almost certainly missed some bits but 5 years is a lot of memories to recall the most important ones that might be relevant to this situation.

I have tried touching my partner in a non sexual manner, when we are out etc. Holding hands has been the one thing that has remained continuous. She will reach for my hand and hold it and accepts when I do the same for the most part. However, for a lot of the instances where she lets go it feels as though it’s almost a fearful, primal reaction, not because she doesn’t want to hold hands or doesn’t like the sensation.

As I say, we haven’t kissed in a long time, but I always kiss her on the cheek or forehead when I leave for work or we are going out separately. Oddly enough, she will make a point of coming up to me to ensure I kiss her, one thing that has remained constant and one thing I honestly believe she truly enjoys without hesitation. But on the lips is a no-go, if I even try to kiss her in passing on the lips it’s as though a barrier goes up.

Anyway, I really hope you can give me some advice, nothing venture nothing gained right.
Thank you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Do you have a question for me?

[Asterys]

Yes, what can we do to work through this, how could I, without being pushy try to find the reason for the discomfort my partner feels from physical intimacy, that’s had developed to this point over the last year? What steps could we both take to find out the root causes of this issue?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It takes two people to make a relationship work, and you can’t “fix” her. She has to want to work through the trauma that happened to her 16 years ago, so that she doesn’t have to continue to let it dictate her present relationships. That you haven’t had sex in the last two years of your five year relationship isn’t a sign that this is going to work out. 😕 I know she says that she doesn’t want to hurt you, but she is, and when people’s words and actions don’t match up, you have to pay attention to their behavior. When you’re with someone who has a history of trauma, addiction or some other past history that affects the present relationship, they have an opportunity to change their behavior to make the current relationship work. It sounds like she isn’t interested in making any changes, and you can’t make her change. The best you can do is to let her know that this lack of sex in a committed, monogamous relationship, is a deal breaker for you because sex is an important part of a relationship to most adults, and your needs are not being met. If you’ve made your feelings clear to her, and she can’t or won’t make any changes or compromises, then you’ve got an incompatibility clearly in the way of a healthy, happy relationship.

I hope that helps.

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