[beeleivegirl]

Hey april, I have no one else to ask so here i am. Thank you for this service. This may be basic and tiny, but its pretty huge for me, i don’t want to lie to my boyfriend or make him look like a fool at all. When him an I were broken up for two months the manager at the gym that i go to started talking to me. And because i was always there i felt i was rude if i was not to be friendly back. Every time we spoke it was awkward and forced, (now i see it was because he just wanted to be sleazy). He would say things like nice shorts, and always be looking at me to catch my eye. One day i needed a spot (and this is what i am worried about) i wanted to do squats. So i naturally asked him as he was the only person who spoke to me inside the gym. But when he helped me he was so close and touched his privates on my bum when i got to the top. I didn’t really speak to him after that. He invaded my personal space, and i feel like its my fault. I also didn’t say anything to him and sort of smiled and even asked him to do another set to try and stay not awkward and natural. which sounds so stupid, now that i am writing this… Plus the manager is so ugly and i find him so unattractive.
Then me and my boyfriend got back together, so every time i went to the gym i was with my boyfriend. And because my boyfriend can be quite suspicious and jealous i didn’t speak to the manager, not that i spoke to him every time anyway, it was mostly just a hi and bye. So i felt like i wasn’t doing anything wrong. I never stopped loving my boyfriend and stayed completely loyal to him the whole time we weren’t together. BUT NOW! we are training there and i haven’t told my boyfriend about the manager, and now my boyfriend keeps say hi to him, and being nice to him. I HATE THAT. The manager is old and knows he was being a sleaze and thought i wanted him too I’m 23. So now my boyfriend is saying hi to him and i feel like he needs to know what that guy was doing to me when he wasn’t around. so he stops being so nice and just sees it for what it really is. I just need help i can’t stop thinking about all this… i never once thought of the manager in any other way than someone i spoke to here and there at the gym, because he worked there. I feel guilty, but i don’t think i should. please helllppppp……

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think a lot of this is happening because you’re young and your life experience is limited. In five or ten years from now, with that much more life under your belt, you wouldn’t think twice about telling the gym manager to stop touch you inappropriately, in the moment it happened, and you wouldn’t have allowed it to go on simply to avoid that confrontation. Most women avoid confrontation because it feels unfeminine to be so direct and forward. Now you’ve got this uncomfortable secret about his touching you inappropriately, that you’re sharing with the gym manager because you’ve never spoken up before, and you feel like you’re betraying your boyfriend, but worse, you’re betraying yourself. 😳

You can do two things at this point. First, you can forgive yourself for not having handled things the way you’d have liked to, and vow to do so next time around. 😉 Or, you can tell your boyfriend what happened and that it was no big deal, but that you wished you’d have handled it differently. Either way you’re going to be uncomfortable, but since that’s what you’re avoiding (the discomfort), that’s what you have to face head on in order to move past this. 😉

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[beeleivegirl]

Hey April,
Thanks so much for the reply. This is so cool and helpful. I think I may tell him, its just our relationship has been a bit rocky because we have trust issues. Your right, i want to avoid the confrontation. I don’t want our trust to feel weaker again, even though apart of loyalty is honesty. Am I right? Otherwise if I don’t tell him, I think I will just change gyms and start training else where. The last thing I want is my boyfriend to look is stupid.
I also have one more question that just arose. My family friends from overseas are coming to stay with us at my house. When I was 15 I lived overseas, and me and one of the boys became romantic. Just a few times. That was it, I stayed for a few months longer and left. I haven’t seen or spoken to him since then! Now my mum is opening up the house for the boys to live until they find their feet. I feel like if I don’t tell my boyfriend I am keeping a secret again, but I also don’t want to tell him because I feel it will cause him unnecessary stress and distrust. I could just avoid the boys, but I think that would be really bad because they took me in for 6 months. Im sure they will want lifts, and to be shown around. I am happy to take them, and also take my boyfriend with me, but if he knew, would he hate me? Can you see an underlying problem? I feel as though I’m asking this question for almost the exact same reason, but I just can’t put my finger on what the problem is here. I think I’m finding it hard to find where the line is for what my boyfriend has the right to know. My boyfriend is also 18 years older. I think maybe one of the biggest problems is the fact that I don’t want us to loose trust because of things I did when I didn’t even know him, or for talking to the manager when I never thought I would see him again. Because now everything is arising in my face. yay. :I
Thanks again for being so helpful. <3

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem here is that you’re not being honest. And now, this is becoming a pattern. 😕 When people lie or withhold the truth it’s because they fear possible consequences. However, by avoiding consequences, they create derivative lies and derivative problems. Until you start being honest, you’re going to be living in fear, on different levels, of your boyfriend finding out the truth. And if your relationship is threatened by these truths you’ve told me — that your gym manager was inappropriate and you never confronted him, and you had a fling with a boy many years ago and he may now be coming to live with you and your mother — then you have to question the relationship, which you don’t want to do. 😳 If you do nothing and keep up the avoidance techniques you’re practicing, this will eventually blow up in a bad way. My advice is that you start practicing honesty. 😉 It’s an easier way to live in the long run.

[beeleivegirl]

Hey April.
Thanks for your help. I think your right. And I will begin to be honest again, I didn’t realise I wasn’t, for some strange reason. So thank you. xx <3 from beeleivegirl

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome.

I believe you, and I know it’s hard to see what you’re doing sometimes — it’s a lot easier to see what other people are doing! You’re welcome to ask me any questions you may have in the future.

[Member]

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