[BrokenHeart2]

Hi April!

This is my first time on here, and what brings me here is a rather puzzling situation:

There was a girl I had met at work that I had been dating and talking to for about a month.
I found out that while we were dating was because she was not completely over/broken up w/
her ex-fiancé from another state. When he found out we slept together, he threatened to have her
file rape charges against me, which she was unwilling to do. After threatening both, he told us that
he could make her lose both her job and her kids. He threw in my face that he also takes care of her
financially, and that she did not have to work.
The day after the incident happened, he drove down to see her, and the next, she did not show up for
work, much less call, which was unlike her. We found out it was because she got back w/ him, and they
plan on getting married. She’s always complained about his abuse for the 4 1/2 years they were together.
What bothers me more than the breakup, was the fact that she left two young children behind. From my
understanding, it was her intention to gain custody and bring them back. When she left to be w/ this guy the first time, she left them at an even younger age.
My main question out of all this is, how in the world can a mother do that to her kids? I think that is worse than
what she did to me. Although I don’t have kids (yet), I don’t think any amount of money, violence, or otherwise
should come before your children, even if the guy is supposedly helping her pay child support for children that
aren’t his.

What’s your take on this? Sorry for the bandwidth too!

[Ask April Masini]

You’re right. No mother should abandon her children for a guy. Children need their mothers, and there are plenty of men who want women who put their children first because these men understand how important their own mothers’ were in their lives and aren’t threatened by a mother’s responsibilities to her children. So that alone should be enough for you to walk away from this woman.

But if that’s not enough, the fact that she’s still connected and possibly dating and engaged to an abusive man who’s threatened you, too, should tell you that she’s got emotional baggage that is going to make it impossible for her to be in a peaceful and loving relationship any time soon. Are you ready for the check yet? It’s time to go!

Let this woman walk out of your life, and move on. But when you do, pause and try and figure out what it was about her that you were attracted to because that’s a place in [i]your [/i]life, where [i]you[/i] need to do some work.

You sound like you really understand what’s right and wrong, but there’s some part of you that wants to save wounded women. You have to understand that not all wounded women who appear to want to be saved, really want permanent saving. Some of them just like or are addicted to the drama of the saving. Then once they’re saved, they need another drama fix, and they start looking for the next place they can get that adrenaline and drama high.

My advice to you is to understand that you can’t save the world, or even some of the people who don’t want to be really saved, in it. But you sound like you have a lot to offer, so make sure you’re in a healthy relationship so that you can continue to be productive in your life. A healthy woman who wants a peaceful and happy relationship with you is going to make your life, alone and with her, an asset to yourself, each other, and the world.

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