[enduringspirit]

I have a guy friend with whom things are progressing nicely. The problem is that in the past I lied to friends about things that never happened or aren’t true in order to fit in. Some became blown out proportion – mainly because I felt like I had to keep perpetuating them to cover my tracks. It’s not something I am proud of, but I am working on building my confidence so I will not feel the need to lies about things.

I have never lied to my guy friend. I am afraid though that some of the lies I told will get back to him somehow. I don’t really keep in close contact with those friends anymore and none of them know my guy friend, but Facebook and the like have made the world a smaller place.

I know this seems like a silly problem, especially since he has not heard anything from anyone and probably never will. It is just that the things I told lies are typically things a person would be ashamed of and lie to partners about – relationships, sexual experiences, drug use, etc. Unlike those people, I have never done anything of those things. I just said I did to sound cool. I am the person he thinks I am, and I want it to stay that way.

Should I tell him before he hears things from other people? Or should I just leave it alone until he hears something from someone (if ever)? How should I address the lies? I am afraid he is not going to believe me when I say none of it is true since people typically lie about such things. I also am afraid he is going to think I have lied to him at some point or will in the future and won’t be able to trust me anymore.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The fears you have in regard to your boyfriend’s reaction to your telling him the truth about your past lies, are exactly the same fears that make you lie. People lie because they are afraid of not getting the reactions or acceptances they want. It’s a way for them to try and control their environment.

If you really want to change then you have to face that fear. I think your instinct to tell him the truth now, before he hears about your past lies, is a good one. 🙂 Follow your instinct and DO tell him the truth about how you were afraid of appearing uncool or not fitting in, and so you told lies that you’re not proud of, but you’re changing your behavior and are practicing living an honest life now.

He’s going to find out about the lies eventually and it’s MUCH better if he hears the truth from you in a preemptive strike of honesty on your part. If he doesn’t like you enough to keep dating you because of this past, then it’s better for you to face this music now. And if he appreciates your past and your changed behavior, then he’ll respect you and he’ll understand more of who you were and are now — and this is the way intimacy is built in successful relationships. In fact, your bravery at exposing this part of your past that you’re not proud of may make him feel like he can open up to you about anything in his past, present or future, too.

So go for it. Tell the truth now — and let me know how it all shakes out.

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