[anonyRN]

Hello to all,

I have been trying to wrap my head around how to go about the situation I am in for awhile now.

Here is the scenario: I met a man while on vacation in the summer of last year. We hit it off wonderfully and decided to have a long distance relationship not too long after. We only lived one state away and we were both financially stable enough with job flexibility to see one another at least twice a month. The unfortunate thing was, the distance did get to me at first and I will admit, I was insecure for the first time in a relationship because of it. I had broken it off with the man because of this reason and then retracted it. Another problem is that we are both very similar people, as in, we are independent, busy, driven, and set in our ways. This caused a lot of conflict in communication and we would go back and forth a few more times afterwards (I would end it because I could not tolerate it, but again, come back).

The one reason I came back(all those times) is because I thought perhaps I was being too hasty and that I have always been raised and told that relationships take -work-. This was the first time I have opened up to someone in about 2 years and we do everything right, just have arguments over communication and who’s right. This is normal, right? However, sometimes, I just felt outright disrespected and did not feel that he was putting his all into the relationship like I was. So I finally put my foot down and ended it in mid January of this year.

Of course, of all days, he contacted me during Valentine’s day. We talked and he states to me that he wants to make me happy and start anew. I told him what needed to change about the relationship (Please note: I did not want HIM to change as a person, just the things that went wrong in the relationship that needed to be improved if it were to work out). I openly told him about my feelings and he apologized to me. However, I still feel that uncertainty and told him that. Along with the fact that I am dating other people (since I have not made a commitment to him). I told him he’d really have to show me he wants to be with me, as I felt I always took that initiative. He said he would, but I still have my doubts. He also stated he is working on moving over to my state, but has no real time line.

I know the answer is obvious, but before I jumped on it, I wanted a second opinion from people that perhaps have been in a similar situation. Feedback and honesty is appreciated. Please note, I am not looking for criticism or judgement.

Thank you for your time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I hear that you’re disappointed that you’re always taking the initiative, and you don’t feel that he’s putting his all into the relationship when you are — and my advice to you is to stop doing that. It sounds like you’re putting all this energy into a long distance relationship and I would invite you to let him take the lead. It’s a much easier way for you to see how into you and the relationship he is, and then decide if you want to continue being in it. Instead, you’re disappointed in his initiative, and then putting your own energy into something you’re disappointed in, so now you’re disappointed in his initiative AND the fact that you’re putting so much energy in. That’s two problems instead of just one. Take a breath and relax. Get to know who he really is and what he really wants by sitting back and not hovering, waiting to dive in and rescue things. Let them fall apart if they do so, naturally — and then when they’re on the floor, decide if you want to pick them up or not. I think if you make this behavioral change in yourself, you’ll have a better idea of what you want to do next, as will he.

Hope that helps!

[anonyRN]

Thank you very much for your advice.

I told him respectively that I will let him take the lead, that he needs to back up his words with actions, otherwise I am going to continue to be hesitant and not want this. I will take the back seat and let things fall into place as they will. I gave him the tools he needed to make the moves necessary to move forward with this, if he doesn’t, I know that he really didn’t want it after all.

Thank you very much for the advice.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What I meant by letting him take the lead is to let him — not tell him what to do and what will happen if he doesn’t. That’s not letting him take the lead. That’s you taking the lead by telling him what not to do and what will happen if he doesn’t. 😕 When you allow someone to take the lead you back off to see what they can and will do on their own. You think you’ve given him “the tools” but you’ve basically given him an ultimatum — which usually leads to a break up. And I know you think you promised to take the back seat, but you’ve said one thing and done another, and it sure doesn’t look like you’re willing to take a back seat.

I’m sorry if this is a little harsh — I wanted to break it down so there’s no misunderstanding. It sounds like you’re really mad at him and maybe at yourself, too, and you’re ordering him around, but it won’t work. I don’t think he’s going to respond well to this. 🙁 I’m sorry.

If you feel like it, see this as an opportunity for your own personal growth. You said that you are both very set in your ways, and that’s why it’s doubtful he’ll change, or see these marching orders as a good thing. You may do better off with a man who is more fluid and okay about making changes, as well as someone who’s more interested in you and the relationship. 😉 I’m sorry for the discomfort you’re going through. I think that you will do a lot better with someone who is more compatible with who you are and what you want.

[anonyRN]

No, I don’t think it was harsh at all. I think it was a truth I needed to hear. I am willing to compromise, but I feel I have done a lot of that with this man and it has not been reciprocated. I think that is why I am guarded and bull headed this time around and I have always been an independent woman. Also, our we did not have a clean break up and I was just on the cusp of finally moving on when he decided to get on contact with me again and I think I have those lingering feelings of resentment.

I am currently not with him and I am dating other people. He was the one that came to me and said a lot of pretty words about being with me, but has yet to back them up with action and I think that’s my downfall is I keep telling him what he needs to do to prove it to me and I should just let him take the lead as you said. If he does it, great! If not, I know he was not serious and I have other prospects I can move on with. Not only with them, but work on my own sense of self and as you said, personal growth.

Thank you again for this piece of advice, it helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome. 🙂

[John991]

My love story started at After year of chatting with my fiancé I came to meet her in Kiev and I never seen such a big amount of gorgeous girls … and I’m proud that my love is beautiful and smart, she is independent – she is my queen and with her I’m feeling like a king. Wish you visit this beautiful country and to take from there some beauty with you 😛

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Interesting.

[Sally]

This relationship has been circling the same problem for a while. You try, you doubt, you leave, you come back, and nothing actually settles. That doesn’t mean either of you are bad people. It means the fit just isn’t easy, and easy matters more than we’re taught. Yes, relationships take work, but they shouldn’t feel like constant emotional negotiations or like you’re always carrying more weight.

The uncertainty you feel now is important. It’s your gut remembering how this felt before. Promises to change, plans to move with no timeline, needing him to prove effort you’ve already lived this version. Love shouldn’t feel like convincing someone to meet you where you already are.

If you keep seeing him, do it only if you can accept exactly how things are today, not how they might be someday. If you can’t, that’s not failure. That’s clarity. Sometimes walking away isn’t giving up it’s choosing peace.

[Member]

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