[Outforarip]

I turn here because I’ve exhausted all of my friends with this. I found the site back in high school and the advice I was given was really helpful so I’m hoping for more of the same. I’ve known this girl since high school, we started off as just good friends since she was seeing one of my close friends we spent a lot of time together, and as you can imagine we became very close because of it. Somewhere along those lines I guess I just kind of fell for her. To make a long story short, as that Relationship faded out I became her shoulder to cry on, we were together almost every day we became even closer. Now I never acted on those feelings I had for her out of respect for my friend she ended up moving in with some guy later on down the road and it crushed me. As hurt as I was we kept contact, still talked daily I never let on I had feelings for her. We fooled around during that time, she was almost always with me so by now I’ve grown very attached to this girl. They broke up, we still hung out frequently but again I never acted on my feelings (I tried too once but I choked up) and she ended up moving on once more. By this time I’m pretty broken, I started to blame her for everything, i was hurt and my natural defence was to get angff. She sensed it and after giving some space/time she messaged me apologizing “I never considered anybody else because nobody really asked” is what she said to me. I just played it off like I didint want to talk about it and left things as they were.

I realize that’s all in the past now, I’ve since moved past that I just felt it necessary to give a little backstory. Fast forward a year, I’m 23 shes 24 now. I did alot of thinking, like deep anxiety inducing thinking over those two years. It took me a long time to realize that I was wrong to blame her, I never asked or did anything to help myself I just went into a shell and hid. I felt bad for how we left off, i messaged her a few weeks before Xmas to Try and catch up. She seemed even more eager than me. We met up for coffee, talked about random things and drove around for hours.it was just like old times and it felt like we never missed a beat. I can’t explain exactly why I did what I did next I just couldn’t help it but I kissed her. We both were into it and it went on and on until the end of the night. Everything was way too good to be true. After a text the next morning she went distant, I panicked and against better judgement I sent her flowers on Christmas. She Texted me. Saying she can’t accept them and as I don’t have the exact message it basically said it was a mistake. I tried to be good about it, asked her if we could talk it through she told me it wasn’t a good time. I respected that and told her to take her time and get back to me. That’s where I left it until today, I had suspected something was up and today (Her Birthday) I found out she has a boyfriend. It hurt but I decided to message her anyways. I wished her a happy birthday and told her if she had an free time for coffee or something to hit me up. She told me she was sorry for how things left off and that she owes me a visit soon. I left it at that, because I felt like calling her out but I realize acting like that isn’t going to get me anywhere. Now I’m here, sitting at my friend’s place trying to get my thoughts together, im so lost on this whole situation. I want to keep this girl in my life whether anything happens between us or not. She means the world to me as a friend I’m Just not sure we can ever go back to how we were. At the same time I Love this girl there’s nobody else I’ve ever felt so strongly for, and after all that’s happened I think it would be a safe bet to say she has feelings for me too but I’m not sure how much more I can handle. Honestly I’m not even sure what my question is anymore the fact she has a boyfriend Has just put a wrench in things. I guess I’d like to know how to approach this whole situation, or any other things that might help shut my wandering mind up. Thanks for any help!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so hurt. Let me try to clear a few things up for you. First of all, you’re not her friend. You never were. You always had a crush on her and now you love her. You made out with her. You want to date her. This isn’t friendship. It’s romance. When you can recognize the fact that you’re not friends you can break this pattern you’re in where you try to be her friend, then get upset because she doesn’t act like a girlfriend. It’s a fatal pattern. 😕

Instead, accept the fact that you’re not friends and don’t put yourself in the friend zone. When you’re not in the friend zone, you can have clarity. It may not be clarity you like, but it’s better than the misery you’re in now where you’re trying to convince yourself you can be a friend and a romantic interest, or interchange those two as you need them – which doesn’t work.

You like her and you want to date her — and you don’t want to lose contact. I get all that, and it makes sense. However… if she’s not interested in dating you (for whatever reason), don’t put yourself in the friend zone just to stay in touch. It’s not very honest if you think about it. And that’s REALLY what’s upsetting you. You haven’t matched up your behavior with your feelings. When you liked her and never asked her out, you were really upset. Now you’ve been rejected, which is unfortunate, but you’re saying you want to be her friend just to stay in touch — but that’s not really true.

Start seeing yourself as a competitor. Dating is competitive and you can’t sit out and expect to win. I think it was great that you sent her flowers at Christmas, but unfortunate that she had a boyfriend. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was just bad timing. But let her know you’re worthwhile by not putting yourself in the friend zone and by dating other women. Ironically, when women see men with other women, they attribute more value to the exact same guys they didn’t see as worth dating a week before. 😉

Let me know if you have any questions. I hope that helps.

[Outforarip]

Thankyou for the reply, I do have some questions though. Before I go any further just know that I’m not trying to disregard your advice as it may sound like that. Because I really do appreciate the time you put in to try and help people out, nice to know theres still some good in this world. I will say that before all this started for a good long while I could have honestly said that we were “just friends” as time went on though that’s where it got messy. Honestly part of me regrets ever trying to take that friendship and turn it into something more. You’re spot on when you say that I’ve always had feelings for her I can’t deny that. “When you say I haven’t Matched my behaviour with my feelings” hoI t exactly do you mean that? During our last meetup I made it very clear what I wanted out of it, we kissed, flirted and had an awesome time I didn’t know it then but I’m almost certain now that she was with her boyfriend at the time it happened. The timing isn’t right, it’s funny you mention that because it hits home. Irrelevant point but I remember a while back in the early goings of this I asked her why we haven’t gone out yet and that was her exact reply.

I’ll try and keep these next few questions breif. Like I said she said she “owes” me a visit, and that’s one I’d like to go through with. Its very likley going to be a heart to heart over the whole situation and I’m hoping that will help ease my mind a bit, but how would you recommend I approach that? And the next question is a hard one but you’ve helped me this far. Judging by what Ive told you and I realize you can’t read minds but I want to know if you think there’s really a chance with this girl maybe sometime down the road, that’s a hard question to answer but short of asking her that this is my best option.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote] “When you say I haven’t Matched my behaviour with my feelings” hoI t exactly do you mean that? During our last meetup I made it very clear what I wanted out of it, we kissed, flirted and had an awesome time I didn’t know it then but I’m almost certain now that she was with her boyfriend at the time it happened. [/quote]

When you feel like you want to be with her, but don’t act like it, you haven’t matched your feelings to your behavior. For instance, when you first wrote that you never acted on your feelings, and were then crushed when she dated someone else, that’s an example of wanting to date her, but not doing it — and not matching your behavior with your feelings.

[quote]Its very likley going to be a heart to heart over the whole situation and I’m hoping that will help ease my mind a bit, but how would you recommend I approach that?[/quote]

I wouldn’t. I don’t know what you hope to gain from having a talk.

[quote]Judging by what Ive told you and I realize you can’t read minds but I want to know if you think there’s really a chance with this girl maybe sometime down the road, that’s a hard question to answer but short of asking her that this is my best option.[/quote]

Possibly! I wish I had a crystal ball. I’d definitely tell you what I saw in it. 😉

Let me know if you have any other questions.

[Outforarip]

I almost feel as though I need to go through with it. We’re still open enough with each other that we can talk about anything, and honestly at that. I’d think some answers would help me sort out my thoughts a bit more. I will strongly consider just cutting ties, since my feelings are known now. But looking at it from the perspective above How do I approach? Sorry for the million questions lol

[Outforarip]

And on top of that why would you avoid it?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I would avoid a talk because I don’t see that there is anything to gain by your having one. You’ve got to get out of this pattern of disappointment. Having a talk with a woman who’s not available, keeps you in it. 😉

[Member]

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