[SadITGuy]

April,

I wanted to get your advice about a bad breakup I’m currently going through. I started dating my co-worker Linda after I resigned from the company. Even before I resigned her work schedule bothered me. Our manager would call, text, and IM her at very late hours talking about non-work things. She was also working 10-12 hours a day (she never got the right OT pay she was entitled to) – six days a week. I talked to our manager and he basically told me to mind my own business. So I talked to HR and they were suppose to conduct an investigation but they never talked with any of us to corroborate what was going on. Linda was very upset with me because of my reporting this to HR and this caused issues with our relationship. We came to an agreement that she would start to look for a new job in Oct and also try to leave her job earlier in the evening.

Initially she was true to her word… but gradually she started to work the same hours again.. and the manager continued to call and text her late into the nights and mornings. I was always worried for her safety because something wasn’t right with this manager. Even one time I saw this manager biking around her neighborhood on one weekend when he lived 40 minutes away. IT all culminated into an argument where she told me that she only told me that she would look for a job in Oct because that was what she knew I wanted to hear. We eventually broke up and I said some awful things to her in frustration because I felt she lied to me.

I tried to contact her but she completely blocked me out of her world. I tried to see her but she ran away from me and refuses to see or talk with me. I’m greatly hurt by this. She refuses my packages and letters. I still think about her… and worry about her.. I still love her deeply but my words and contacting HR wounded her harshly. I’m not sure what to do. My intentions were only to get her out of this unhealthy work situation because I loved her… but I only made her retreat more into this work world. Did I do the right thing? How do I reconcile this feeling of regret? Is there a hope of getting back together? (it’s been three months)

I hope you can give me advice about this. It’s been a rough three months since our breakup.

SadITGuy

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best thing you can do is to learn from your mistakes and move on.

You shouldn’t have interfered with her job. It’s fine to express your opinion, but she’s an adult, and she gets to make her own decisions about her career, her job and her work. You crossed a boundary by acting like a parent to a little kid — in her workplace. I’m quite certain she probably imagined you’d do it again in other arenas. So for the future, if you don’t like the way someone is doing something, and you’ve told them, you have to understand that’s their choice and yours is to stay with them or not. Manipulating or trying to force someone’s hand isn’t part of a healthy relationship, and that’s what happened. So if you can learn that you can’t do that and stay with someone healthy, then the lesson will have been worth it.

It also sounds like you were so overbearing that she told you a lie about looking for a new job because she didn’t know how to get you to back off. Again, you have to understand that if you don’t like a girlfriend’s job, and you’ve told her, your choice is to stay or go — not be so aggressive that she lies to you to get you off her back. 😥

I know you’re justifying your behavior by stating your intentions, but that’s not good enough. Your behavior and your intentions have to take into account that bullying someone or manipulating them, or trying to coerce them into doing something your way, aren’t going to get you where you want to be in the long run. 😉

My advice now, is to take this hard learned lesson, and look for someone else to date, with your new outlook. 😉

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[singhamit9872]

I can understand from what you are going through at this point. If you really want to apologize for the things you said then you can convey your message from any of your mutual friend or co worker. If she still does not want to talk to you then you should definitely move on my friend. It will take time but things will get better with time. Try to indulge yourself in other things. Hang out with your friends. You might be worried for her but at the end, its her life and she knows better what to do with it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Happy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you.
😉

[Member]

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