[DontKnowWhat2Think]

My boyfriend had a best friend, a woman, for 10 years. He called her his sister and prior to my entrance into his life, he spoke to her or texted her every day. From what I have discovered in the short time I have lived on this lovely planet, siblings do not call each other every day and confide their deepest darkest secrets in one another. Siblings do not go for years without fighting or arguing. Best friends do. She is married and now has a kid. Anyways, when I met him he told me his ex hated her and made him cease communications with her. Around 3 months into our relationship, I understood why the ex would feel that way and told him about my displeasure at him having a girl best friend. After all, isn’t it my job as his girlfriend to be his best friend? I did not feel special nor unique with this girl lurking in our lives.

Anyways backing up in time a bit…this was the best friends reaction to my existence into his life split into weeks/months we were together:
[b]Week 2: [/b]“Dont get a girlfriend, thats horrible. You know I have a horrible marriage, dont subject yourself to the same fate!!!”
[b]Month 2:[/b] “You have changed [insert BF name here], why are you so rude all the time? I don’t like you anymore.”
[b]Months 3-10:[/b] She was pregnant and felt she shouldn’t talk to him anymore because he was so mean. Our relationship was SOOO perfect when she stopped talking to him
[b]Month 11:[/b] She skyped with him for an hour, I found out and got angry. I hadn’t had the chance to talk to my boyfriend in 5 days in person/skype and the fact that she got to made me so unreasonably jealous. They also had begun chatting via text sometime between month 10-11, but he didn’t tell me until I reminded him how much I hated her
[b]Month 11.5:[/b] I told him to stop talking to her. He put up a huge argument but agreed in the end that he would avoid her.
[b] Month 12:[/b] She removed me as a friend from facebook and blocked me. Throughout the past two months he would tell me when she contacted him which seemed to be about once every other week. He also admitted that he ‘likes’ her pictures on facebook.

Back to the present, to month 13 of our relationship. I confronted him and asked him why he never blocked her number. He said he is not the type of person “that feels it appropriate to hurt the feelings of another.”

Now to my opinion. It really hurt a lot that he found her feelings so much more important than mine. We had another conversation and he told me he avoided having longer conversations with her yet would still reply if she wrote or would answer her phone calls or go on her facebook. In the dictionary, the definition of avoid is “keep away from or stop oneself from doing.” He refused to block her until seven hours of text fighting pursued. I kind of feel like he cares a lot more about her than me despite what he says. I literally have nightmares about this woman (lol she’s also kind of scary looking) so since he can’t bring himself to hurt her feelings without a seven hour long fight and many tears, it seems like he would rather hurt mine.

The big question…is this grounds for breaking up?

PS – I am 22 and he is 29

[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, you’re not wrong, and yes, this is grounds for a break up.

He’s clearly in a relationship with this other woman, and rather than fight with him about the nature of the relationship, accept it. And then decide that you’d rather have a boyfriend who’s more into you!

Next!

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[DontKnowWhat2Think]

I don’t think he is romantically into her because she is married and he has told me he thinks she’s ugly. They knew each other when they were both single but didn’t date. I just don’t know why he is so protective of her 🙁

PS – totally random information but I had previously told him it wasnt normal to talk to his ex five years after their breakup and when he had a new girlfriend. At first he didn’t understand why but his family agreed that it was wrong and afterwards he had no issues whatsoever with blatantly ignoring the exes emails and texts or even blocking her email. He has a few friends that are girls but I guess that’s normal for guys right?

Another note… I don’t really have any guy friends because I think it’s 100% wrong to if your not dating the guy. I’ve been trying to pursue friendships with men after noting how many of his friends are girls and it feels still feels wrong

It feels so good to rant ^^

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I don’t think he is romantically into her because she is married and he has told me he thinks she’s ugly. They knew each other when they were both single but didn’t date. I just don’t know why he is so protective of her 🙁[/quote]

He’s protective of her, because he’s emotionally involved with her. They have a relationship. 😉

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[DontKnowWhat2Think]

He keeps denying that he has an emotional connection with her that runs deeper than the one we have. I told him it’s unhealthy for him to continue letting this woman message him and for him to keep her on facebook, whatsapp, text, phone calls, gaming sites, skype, viber, and other social media. He tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me because he loves me, my feelings are unjustified, that the breakup is my fault because I made this up, and that he never cared about her…but he refuses to hurt her feelings by removing her from his life because he isn’t the type of person that hurts others.

I really miss him so much. I’ve never loved anyone before. He was the only person who knew everything about me and still loved me. Why is he being so stubborn about believing she hurt our relationship?

Do you think if I contact him in a month he will have recognized it or will he still protect her feelings over mine? I feel so broken April.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]He keeps denying that he has an emotional connection with her that runs deeper than the one we have. I told him it’s unhealthy for him to continue letting this woman message him and for him to keep her on facebook, whatsapp, text, phone calls, gaming sites, skype, viber, and other social media. He tells me he doesn’t want to break up with me because he loves me, my feelings are unjustified, that the breakup is my fault because I made this up, and that he never cared about her…but he refuses to hurt her feelings by removing her from his life because he isn’t the type of person that hurts others. [/quote]

You’re pointing out his denial. Let’s talk about yours. 😕 You’ve been dating a guy for over a year, in spite of his emotional commitment to a married woman who he won’t drop for you or your feelings. Instead of trying to tell him he’s wrong, why not ask yourself why you stay with someone who’s not going to put you first. 😳

[quote]I really miss him so much. I’ve never loved anyone before. He was the only person who knew everything about me and still loved me. Why is he being so stubborn about believing she hurt our relationship?[/quote]

I guarantee you that someone else will love you — and everything about you. Just because he was the first, doesn’t mean he will be the last. In fact, he won’t. And honestly, that’s not enough of a reason to stay with someone who’s got another woman on the side. As you get older and more experienced, you’ll understand that love is awesome, but it’s not enough to keep a relationship together over the long term. There has to be commitment, respect, shared goals — and the two of you don’t have enough of those things to continue on. You may think he’s stubborn about not leaving her, but as long as you stay with him, under these circumstances, you’re being stubborn, too. He’s made himself very, very clear. You’re stuck on the fact that he won’t change. It’s always better (and easier) to change yourself. 😉

[quote]Do you think if I contact him in a month he will have recognized it or will he still protect her feelings over mine? I feel so broken April.[/quote]

I don’t think he’ll have recognized it. He’s been with her for 10 years, and she serves some need he has that isn’t getting met elsewhere. I know you’re heart broken, but when you realize that you’re going to be okay — and even better than ever in the future — you’ll start to feel good again.

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