[shannree]

I recently got back with my ex-girlfriend (let’s call her S) after around a year and a half of not being together. Previously, our relationship lasted just under a year before we broke up due to distance problems (she moved away for work and I moved to the city).
She broke up with me and asked to remain friends. She’s the only person I’ve ever been in love with, and she says the same thing to me. She’s only ever had a relationship with me, both romantically and sexually. But she definitely broke my heart, I was a mess the whole time we were apart and as much as I tried, nothing/nobody came close to her.
We met up this Christmas just gone to give some things back and we ended up going for a drink. I made my excuses and left early because I didn’t want to upset myself by giving myself false hope. But, there’s always been some kind of instant spark or click when we’d meet up; this flirty connection that made me feel like we were the only person in the room.
Then on Christmas day she messaged me saying Merry Christmas and asked me to go for another drink the next day. I agreed to meet her and it was lovely again. Out of the blue, and definitely whilst we were both sober, she said “i think i owe you an apology for the way I treated you”; and then, after some discussion she asked if I wanted to give it another go. I agreed, and we discussed how hard it would be to be in a long-distance relationship but both agreed that it was worth it.
Everything was going great- I went down to hers for a week and met all her friends and we spent the whole time talking, walking, eating and having sex; but, this time, I felt that she was establishing me as a permanent figure in her life- she seemed proud to introduce me as her girlfriend.
We’d stay in contact using FaceTime and texting and I felt very happy. She came up for Valentines weekend and we had a relaxed day, and I felt the happiness I ever had with her.
She even wrote in her card, “So glad the fateful clothes-returning took place… Very much looking forward to, and already enjoying our fresh start… I love you”. And then, she found out her mother was ill. She went to the hospital the day after and came back to mine completely devastated. I tried to comfort her, but when she’s sad she emotionally cuts off. She went home the next day, and the contact began to suffer completely. She’d stop replying to messages and stayed all week with her friend (who, actually admitted to liking her more than a friend a while ago; although S made it clear she didn’t like her back). I felt that she needed space and didn’t get too caught up about it. Her mother died a week later, and she asked me to come round to the family home on the night she died, which I did. She was loving at first, thanked me for going and was reciprocating hugging, etc. But, when we got into bed, she told me to stop touching her (by “touching”, she meant stop hugging her). The next morning she was distant and told me to stop following her around the room. I admittedly was at a loss as what to do; it may have came across awkward, but I didn’t want to cross any more boundaries and felt she needed space.
Anyway, she then spends a weekend away with her best friend, does not reply to my messages with more than a few words and is generally distant. When she returns for the funeral (I wasn’t invited; most of her family doesn’t know she’s a lesbian) she puts off seeing me for as long as possible. When she does see me, she breaks up with me, her reasons being:
1. I didn’t like the way you reacted when my mum died
2. I feel we have too many problems to sort out long-distance and I don’t have the energy right now.
3. I can’t make you happy right now.
4. On reflection, I’m not as happy in myself or relationship as I could be

But, when she left she hugged me and said “I love you. I always will love you. Please know I love you.”

I’m absolutely devastated. I don’t know what else I could have done for her; I couldn’t physically be with her a lot of the time and my attempts at communication went unanswered. I do acknowledge we have problems with our relationship, but it’s been only 8 weeks since we got back and I wasn’t expecting miracles right away; but, the main issue of communication, was improving, and she even admitted this.
I don’t know what to do or think; do you think she’s trying to get out of the relationship? Is she blaming me for her mum’s death? Does she want to distract the pain away from her mum’s death? What does “right now” mean; does she want to sort it out later?

Here is the last message she sent after I said I wanted her to be happy:
Thank you, that really means so much right now and it’s made it easier. I care about you too and I do really want you to be happy as well, I’m just sorry I couldn’t be the one to do that at this time. I’ll always be very fond of you and hopefully this won’t be the last time we talk. All the best xxx

Thanks, sorry it’s so long!!

[AskApril Masini]

I’m sorry you’re heartbroken. What’s going on, is that your girlfriend broke up with you. She’s going through a lot of emotional turmoil because of her mother’s death, and it sounds like the two of you have unstable ground since you were broken up for a year and a half, and only recently got back together around the time of her mom’s death, but that time the two of you had reuniting was short lived because her mom died and she became preoccupied.

In regard to your questions, I sincerely doubt she blames you for her mother’s death. If you want to wait a month or two, and then send her a condolence card with your feelings expressed in it, I think that will give her the time she needs to sort out her feelings for you, and it will give her a little space to grieve for her mother.

I hope that helps.

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