[djamesatl]

About four years back a couple moved in a few doors down from me. They are illegal Mexicans with a (now) 13 y.o. boy. About three years ago the man gets arrested for his 3rd DUI. and is imprisoned. Several months ago he was deported. She volunteered this deportation information out of the blue one day. During his incarceration on several occasions she came to me for help. Things like paying a traffic ticket on-line to jumping a dead battery and we talked some. Then one day I saw her in a dress on her way to a baby shower and I noticed how pretty she really is. I started having feelings of how nice and sweet she was, (her normal disposition by the way) So anyways I start to take more and more notice of her. In this time I have been confused about if I should do anything more. I figure that if I don’t do something I’ll lose the chance. I know she just got laid off from one of her two jobs so I hire her for a couple of days. We got to talk a lot as we worked. I learned she has been with “Larriano” for 18 years, 3 years of which he’s in jail, now deported. She said she did not know if he would come back as if he’s caught again it’s 5 years federal prison then deported again. She said that his mother was against him coming back and that she was not going to Mexico because the boy does very well in school and she wants to work so he can go to college. This is when I notice see has no ring on. Later I learn that they have different last names. I guess they just lived together for 15 years. A few weeks later I throw a dinner party, she and her son came and it was very nice casual dinner with pleasant conversation. I knew the 7th. was his (Larry’s)birthday and she looked very sad. So while I was out, I got her yellow flowers and left them by her door with a note that said, Smile today! And boy did she then she proceeded to disappear into the house, blushing like a school girl. The next week on the 14th was one of my old friends birthday so I threw another dinner party and she and her son came. This time as in last, I engage her son, John in a great deal of conversation. I invited them to go and see an art expo. and she says maybe. Yesterday before she left for her second job she seen me tutoring the girl next door and she came over and confirmed for Saturday afternoon. We’ll see how things turn out.
I can’t keep from trying to see her more, but the fact that even after being here for 15 years, she is Mexican and only speaks fair English.
I speak Spanglish. I had better become an honorary Latino, Quick! She’s going to have to be willing to experience more Americana.(I may have an Alli in her son.) I know that this will take time if it works at all but I could use advice on when to try to take it further, if I’m able. Any and all advice is welcomed as this Latino pursuit is new to me. I have no problem dating but would prefer to date only her. I’m feeling like it would is pointless when for some strange reason I want her.

[Ask April Masini]

Please pretend that you are not the person who submitted your question and reread your post. Seriously, please do this. Now, what would you advise a person in your situation?

I’m going to answer your question with the following questions:

Why on earth would you want to get involved in this? You say that you have no trouble dating, thus I cannot imagine why you would want to pursue a relationship with a woman who is illegally in this country, with a deported, alcoholic felon for a husband or (at a minimum) live-in boyfriend — that is the father of her young son.

This woman’s situation and problems are very serious. I cannot discern if you are intrigued by the challenge of the situation, or what the story is. However, there is no getting around the fact that this is very serious stuff.

If you pursue a relationship with this woman, you are electing to get involved with an illegal mess (in every way imaginable) — to say nothing of the ex. Who, trust me, is not going to appreciate you stepping in during his absence.

I think you are inviting trouble, in many forms, if you pursue a relationship with this woman and I would strongly advise against doing so.

[PassionSeeker]

You’re clearly caring and thoughtful, but it’s important to really listen to where she’s at emotionally. She’s not just a woman you’re trying to win over; she’s a mother, someone with a lot of responsibilities, and a lot of emotional baggage. Respect her space and give her the time she needs. Let things grow slowly from friendship, without putting pressure on her. And while it’s great that you want to be the one for her, remember, she’s been in a long, complicated situation with her partner. So, take it one step at a time, and don’t rush anything.

[Ethan Morales]

you’re standing at the edge of something that feels romantic and kind, but it’s tangled up with real legal, emotional, and ethical complications. That doesn’t mean don’t try it means don’t charge in with rose-colored glasses and a checkbook.
Here’s what to watch and what to do next, plain and practical:
Know the real risks. She’s undocumented (you said “illegal”), has a long-term partner who was just deported, and a child tied to that relationship. That means anything you do could impact her safety, her son’s custody/stability, and possibly blow up into conflict with the deported partner if he returns. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re enabling illegal acts or exposing her to more danger.

Slow down emotionally and speed up on facts. Keep building a friendship, yes, you’re doing that but before you “make a move” get clear on her legal status and her relationship status. Ask her gently, privately: “Are you single, and where do things stand with him?” and “What’s your situation with immigration?” If she’s not comfortable sharing, respect that but treat it as a signal to move slower. Reciprocity matters: if she’s initiating equally, that’s a green flag; if you’re doing all the emotional labor, that’s a red flag.

Don’t solve her problems for her. Hiring her for work and being kind is fine. Buying her out of her life, bailing her out of legal trouble, or paying for a way to “fix” her status are all fast tracks to resentment and risk. If this becomes transactional, you’ll lose the genuine connection. If you’re serious long-term and marriage is real option, get informed sponsoring someone has legal hurdles and moral weight; talk to an immigration attorney before promising anything.

Be culturally humble and respect the child. Learn a little Spanish for real, not as a stunt. Respect her priorities — she’s staying for her son’s schooling. Don’t pressure her to “experience more Americana” as if she needs to change; that’s tone-deaf. If things develop, understand you’re dating a mother first; her decisions will be filtered through what’s best for the child.

Set boundaries and protect yourself. Don’t mortgage your life, don’t lie, and don’t ignore warning signs (e.g., secrecy, inconsistent stories). If the deported partner returns or if the ex is unstable, you could get dragged into conflict. Keep your friends informed and don’t isolate the two of you from community supports.

If you want a next-step script, say something simple and respectful when you’re alone:
“I value our time together and I feel close to you. I want to be honest, I’m interested in something more, but I also want to understand your situation fully before we do anything. Can we talk about where you stand with him and what your life looks like right now?”
That gives her permission to be honest and protects both of you from assumptions.
Bottom line: there’s something real here, but it needs to grow on a foundation of clarity, safety, and mutual responsibility. If she’s truly free, honest, and reciprocating, go for it slowly. If the legal/relationship fog stays thick, protect yourself and let the friendship be sometimes the most honorable move is patience, not rescue.

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