[mmoli71]

hello, I was with a man for 3 1/2 years, we sort of went backwards in our relationship, and I am a little confused about this, in 2013 we started dating in January by February we were intimate and by April we were engaged. We both had, same ex experiences, our ex spouses are alcoholics and his ex is not involved with his kids. In June we moved in together and also moved to another state. 2014 in the spring he worked in NY and I stayed home with all of our kids, then he would get back in November. Cycle went on until 2015, at the beginning of our relationship, he had a few breakdowns, yelling, angry and hitting walls, I had never experienced that before, even with my drunk husband, so I let it go a few times, then the verbal abuse started with my kids. I left to a shelter and he promised he would never do it again, that he was only human and he knows he has angry and mental issues. I believed that he would so I came back, but of course it didn’t change. so I moved out and we remain romantically involved, since moving out, I got a job and got my life together, because I had never been with a MAN who took care of me, and my kids, my ex was a drunk and I worked 12 hrs a day to pay mortgage food and all, and when he came into my life, it was a prince charming, my time to be taken care of. well, now, since getting my independence back, he has become resentful , stating that I don’t have time for him anymore and that we should remain friends but not romantic. I am a little confused, and thinking he used me all those years, to take care of his boys while he made extra money in new York. if I am right on the money, a man who was head over heels , who did everything in his power, to make me happy, he was never abusive towards me, it was all verbal to the kids, even his. But I am thinking that he only needed someone a motherly type for his boys, I think he is angry at the world, because his ex, cheated and didn’t want anything to do with his boys.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re confusing emotions with behavior. Whether or not you love each other, his behavior is bad. He verbally abused your kids — which alone, should be enough for you to have cut off with him for good. When you’re a single parent, your kids have to come first. But in addition, has “mental issues”, hits walls when he’s drunk, and is not respectful of you. This isn’t a good person and he should not be around your kids, and you need to be setting a better example for the children about how you treat yourself, and you expect them, when they’re adults, to treat themselves. You can love him all you want, but you shouldn’t be with him. Love and behavior are separate. Just because you have feelings doesn’t mean you should act on them.

If you can wrap your head around this issue and break up with him, you’re going to have a much better life.

In addition and for future, the relationship didn’t move backwards. You just jumped the gun and got involved too quickly. Things you would have learned if you’d dated him more carefully, were swept under the rug because you moved in together too fast. Slow down. Use the first three months of dating anyone to figure out if you want to continue dating them. Use the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. Never move in before a year of dating someone. If you do, you’ll wind up with the feeling of “going backwards” — which is really just your life telling you you moved in too soon and shouldn’t have. 😕

I hope that helps. I’m here if you have any other questions.

[mmoli71]

I totally agree with you 110%, right now, I have to keep it friendly, because he has my cats until I get my apartment, I know, I don’t love him, I never did, I was in love with the idea of a lot of things he offered, plain and simple, after realizing that I needed to heal myself from previous marriage. And no he does not drink, by him getting angry and upset over things, is done sober…more scarier.
I am in the right path of loving myself and caring for my kids. I have a 16yr old daughter and a 12 yr old boy, who need a role model and I owe that to them, all they’ve known is their dad the drunk who made me furious all the time, after coming home to care for the family , I was an angry person myself. thank you for your advice, I appreciated very much, this helps my process thinking more clearly.

[AskApril Masini]

You’re very welcome.

[mmoli71]

My ex fiancé and I were together for 3 yrs. he’s 44 and so am I. We are both single parents to teenagers, not between us, but blended. March 13th he started to throw hints at me hints about we are too busy , we spend no time together although we went shopping together eight together did a lot of things together however we were not intimate as much . March 24 he says to me that he just wants to be friends. Although I agreed, I was a little hurt. I was wondering because he didn’t want me to come over as often as before I will come over we would eat dinner together cook dinner together , so now little by little giving more excuses not to hang. But I would show up anyways, because he has 2 of my cats, because in the apartment I’m in they don’t allow pets. So with that being said, March 24 I came unannounced and he wasn’t at the house here’s a guy that spends most of his days with his kids and his two boys and now he’s not home so I kind a got worried and I called him. He did not answer the phone to send me a text telling me that he’ll get back to me he had an emergency . Waited for him until 3 o’clock in the morning , he did not know I was there waiting so I left he never got home I looked at our ADT system and he came home at 10 o’clock in the morning. He stayed over his new girlfriend’s house he stayed over his new girlfriend’s house. I didn’t confront him, because we had agreed we would remain friends, but here’s my question, he still wants to kiss me, hold me and text me morning and night, during that period, comes by my job and picks up my car does the tune up and buys me lunch, still wants to be best friends he says. I played along until Saturday, I came to feed the cats because he said he was going to help his step daughter move , and left 8am, left the dog tied up in the back and the cats roaming the streets, so I called him and he would not text or pick up the phone, 6pm he text me and asks what do I want I said I don’t have the key to the house and poor dog been outside all day the cats are roaming, he started to get angry and asking what game was I playing but he was at the water park having fun with his kids. So here you lied about moving his stepdaughter and then later that night I found out when his girlfriend and the boys were with her sister , I know I shouldn’t be mad but he shouldn’t text me when you have a girlfriend what should I do I need my Out of the house but I cannot have them now what should I do ?

[AskApril Masini]

Since he has a girlfriend, and the two of you are not together any more, it would be a good idea if you moved on. 😉 He’s been abusive to your children, and the two of you broke up. If you can’t have your cats in your apartment then find a good home for them — or give them to a pet shelter. It will be much easier and healthier for you to move on and not feel like you’re connected to your ex.

I hope that helps.

[mmoli71]

Thank you.

[AskApril Masini]

😀

[Sally]

When a relationship moves that fast, it can feel magical at first, like finally someone showed up and took the weight off your shoulders. And then slowly, it starts feeling backwards, like you’re losing ground instead of building it.

What stands out to me is that once you got your strength and independence back, the dynamic changed. That says a lot. Some people love being needed more than they love being connected. When that need goes away, so does their comfort.

The anger, the yelling, especially toward kids, that’s not small stuff. Even if it wasn’t aimed at you, it still matters. You didn’t imagine any of this.
It’s okay to feel confused and hurt at the same time. Just don’t ignore how much steadier your life feels now. That peace isn’t an accident.

[Tara]

This man didn’t “go backwards” with you; he lost use for you once you stopped playing the role he needed. The engagement, the fast move, the savior act, the promises that wasn’t love, that was urgency mixed with convenience. He needed a woman to stabilize his chaos, raise his children, absorb his rage, and make his life functional while he chased money elsewhere. The moment you stopped being dependent, stopped being available on demand, and stopped centering your life around him, his interest collapsed. That’s not coincidence that’s exposure.

And stop minimizing the abuse. Verbal abuse toward children is abuse. Period. Punching walls is intimidation. Promising change and repeating the behavior is manipulation. You didn’t leave because you were “confused,” you left because your instincts finally overpowered your fantasy. You weren’t with a protector you were with an emotionally volatile man who outsourced parenting and emotional labor to you, then resented you for regaining autonomy. Now that you’re no longer useful as a live-in caretaker and emotional crutch, he wants to downgrade you to “friends.” Translation: no responsibility, no effort, no accountability.

Yes, you’re right on the money. He didn’t love you the way you thought he loved what you provided. And now he’s angry because the world, his ex, and you refuse to keep sacrificing yourselves to soothe his unresolved rage.

[Member]

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