[lme76]

It has been 2 weeks since the break-up. We were together 6 months. A little over a month prior I discovered that he was still married (I assumed his divorce was final). I sopke to him in regards to how I felt about the situation. He responded by working harder towards finalizing the divorce.

Our relationship was pretty close to perfect. I didn’t get much time with him (due to his demading job), but was still satisfied. I was in love, and he said he was as well. I was involved with his family, friends, and he had even brought me to work with him a couple times. In the beginning he pursued me. He is the one that wanted the relationship to be exclusive and serious. He did everything he could to get me to trust and have faith in him, and I was finally there. Our time together was amazing. We truly enjoyed each others company and were seriously discussing our future. I was finally getting my daughter slowly involved with him and his family. We were at his parents for Easter. Everything went as perfect as it possibly could, and I was so very very happy.

Then came disaster! That following Tuesday I went to his house for dinner. When I pulled in the driveway I saw he was in the yard on his phone. When I walked towards him, he walked away. I was confused. Then I heard a womens voice. I couldn’t make out everything that was being said, but by his body language (which screamed uncomfortable), I assumed it was his wife. He ended the call saying “I will talk to you later then”, and he didn’t sound like there was anything going on with them. I assumed they were making arrangements in regards to the divorce. I should of asked questions, but I didn’t! (stupid me!!!) That night he acted strange. He was still communicating with me and had a positive attitude, but wasn’t very affectionate like usual. He seemed distant. The next day he barely talked to me and when he did text me his texts were very unemotional. Wednesday evening, after not hearing from him for several hours (which wasn’t normal for him), I called. He didn’t answer, and didn’t return my call. In 6 months he had never not returned a call. I fell asleep and woke up later to a text message saying “Just got back sorry baby. Went to saratoga with the neighbor. I’m beat so I’m hitting the hay”. No I love you, no I miss you. The next morning he didn’t text me when he usually did. I figured he overslept (which he does a lot) so I tried calling several times to wake him up. No answer, no response. Finally a couple hours later he text me saying “sorry baby, just got to work, took the bike. Didn’t text cuz I woke up late, threw clothes on, and ran out the door.” WEIRD! I thought to myself, he always calls me back, something isn’t right. So, I ask him if there is anything that he needs to tell me? I explain that it seems he is being distant, and ask him if there is an issue with us? He responded by saying “everything is fine with us. I am just stressed about work”. Ok fine, so I left it alone. Being the very loving girlfriend that I was, I decided to go out to his house to surprise him that night (thursday) with dinner. When i was 10 min from his house he text me saying that he was getting his hair cut. I then told him i was 5 min away. He then said that I didn’t want to come over because “the ex” was coming to get some of her things and that she had just text him telling him she was on her way. he said he didn’t want to deal with her and I being there at the same time. I had driven an hour!!!! HMMMM…I called him. I asked him what was going on???? He said nothing was going on, she was just getting some of her things, then leaving. I could hear that he was hiding in his truck as he spoke to me. I asked him if he really wanted me to go all the way back home. He said let me deal with her, then I will call you in 10 minutes. I paused for a sec because after living with a pathological liar for 12 yrs, and a Psych degree, I can tell if someone is telling the truth just by their voice. And he wasn’t telling the truth. I hung up with him, but knew he wasn’t calling me back. I waited for a bit…no phone call. After a while I went back to his house. Her car was still there. I drove down the road and turned around, thought about what I was going to do and say. When I got there, her car was gone, and so was he. He left with her. I tried calling him once and then went home. He text me later saying he would explain later. I said you got 5 minutes right now. He said that she came looking for stuff and had gotten bad news about a family member while she was there, so he had to “deal” with that, and he wasn’t home because he went to the store with her quick. I was totally pissed and very hurt. I told him I needed time to calm down. I didn’t hear from him the next day and I didn’t contact him either. Saturday morning I text him. He stated that he didn’t know what to say. I knew that was BS too! We made arrangements to talk on the phone after he got out of work. Then a couple hours later he text me saying he was very sorry but our relationship just isn’t going to work and hes sorry for hurting me cuz he never meant to. Then he said he couldn’t give 100% the way his life is and he needed to get things straightened out, he thought he was ready for a serious relationship but he just isnt now. I asked and he said it had nothing to do with his wife. I was so very confused. This man was so into me, and I know he loved and cared for me. But, I felt that what happened with his wife was unforgivable, and knew I should not get involved again until their divorce was final. So, I let it go. Later that day I went over there with a friend to get my things, and his wife’s car was there, but his was gone. That was my closure. The next day I told him thru a text (in a very considerate way) that I knew. He never responded.

I’m so sorry for the novel. My question is…What are your thoughts and advice on this matter? I miss him soooo much 🙁

[Ask April Masini]

When you discovered five months into dating your boyfriend that he wasn’t single — but married — that should have been a bigger warning to you than it was that he wasn’t available. That would have been a great time for you to back off until his divorce was finalized. When you say “he responded by working harder at the divorce,” I’m not sure what that means. In fact, I think you may be rationalizing the fact that he was and still is married.

Whether he’s with his wife or he’s with another woman, he rejected you and that hurts. 😳 I’m sorry you’re in pain, but I know you’re going to get over this one. Next time, make sure the man you’re dating is available in every way before you get so involved.

[lme76]

Yes I will definitely never get involved with anyone that isn’t 100% single. I have learned my lesson. No one likes to be interrogated, but some questions just need to be asked, and I didn’t ask the right ones in that relationship.

When I said he “worked harder at finalizing the divorce”, I meant that he finally contacted his wife (after months of communicating through others), to clear up unattended matters (get the rest of her belongings, change vehicle registration, etc.) that his lawyer had advised him to take care of. Things he was putting off supposedly because he didn’t have the money for the divorce. I truly tried to back off when I found out, but I allowed him to convince me otherwise. I trusted and believed in him.

Regardless, at some point, he obviously made a decision he didn’t want to be with me. As much as I would love to know the true reasoning for that, I know that it isn’t really important. I just don’t get it. How does such an intelligent woman, like myself, get into these types of situations??

[Ask April Masini]

Lots of intelligent women have trouble in relationships because the skills to succeed in them aren’t taught in our education system the way math and english are.

You nailed the problem when you said you didn’t find out if he was single or not. Lots of people who are separated or divorcing think they’re single because in their heads they feel like they’re not married, but the legal reality is that they’re still very much attached. You learned your lesson and you’ll ask the right questions next time.

Don’t try to be right and make him wrong on this one. Just move on and be very glad it was only a six month investment and not six years! 🙂

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