[Anonymous]

I have many, many questions in general about dating and the like… but I’m actually looking for advice on an issue I’ve had to deal with for nearly 10 years. It’s a friend. A female friend. A female friend I fell in love with. 🙁

See, I first met my female friend in church when I was 17. She was 16 at the time. This was during a stretch where I was going through some rather complicated feelings about my life in general. My family was going to church and I was the only one not in church at the time… so I succumbed to pressure from my folks and visited their church. That’s where I saw her. You ever heard of having an ‘instant connection’ with someone? Yea. That’s what I had with her. She actually introduced herself to me. I was taken aback as I’m not familiar with any girl just coming up to introduce themselves to me. Even in church. Well, it was instant attraction. She exuded confidence, she was so pretty, and she actually liked talking to me. It was great. Of course, things turned sour quick… mainly because I tried to push things too fast. I did so many things wrong, I really am embarrassed to talk about them. Let’s just say I was trying to move waaay too fast. And not sexually.

Eventually, she ended up moving away to another town with her father… and she was gone. Just like that. She later was engaged to a policeman in her new town, and I thought I simply missed out and maybe that it wasn’t meant to be. Two years passed. I was still in church. Eventually, I seen her again. She came back to the church just to catch up with folks. She looked great. It didn’t help matters at all. But she never came back to the church after that. I ended up leaving the church and going off to college less than a year after that. Finally had some direction in my life and was doing great. She was still on my mind, but it was merely in passing. A ‘what might have been’ thought came by once in a blue moon, but it wasn’t enough to distract me. As far as I was concerned, she was married and had moved on. Well… funny how things work out. My roommate’s friend was dating her sister and the roommie’s buddy was talking about his girlfriend’s sister who just broke up with her fiance. The roommate mentioned that and asked if it was her. I asked for a name. And sure enough… it was her. He introduced her to me again by calling her workplace and asking for her. Her sister answered and actually gave him her number. He called it… and it was her. Of course, my roommie didn’t want to ask her out and handed the phone to me so I could talk to her. It was awesome. We agreed to meet back home over the weekend. It was amazing. She was prettier and brighter than she ever was. And we just had an instant connection. It was crazy. I thought she was gone… and here she was, back into my life. Single.

We talked on a regular basis for the better part of two years. We became ‘best friends’. Little did I know at the time, but that would become my Achilles heel in this friendship. I confessed I was in love with her, and all she could say is that I’ll ‘never see you that way.’ I was devastated. And decided at that point to sabotage the friendship. Despite trying, she didn’t let me off the hook that easy. She ‘loved’ me. She broke the ‘L’ word out first. It confused me. But somehow, despite me trying to distance myself, it drew us closer. We were inseparable. Only thing we lacked was sex. Which I was indifferent to. She was beautiful, but it wasn’t a huge deal to me. Eventually, things did turn sour again, and our friendship ended. I gave her the ‘all or nothing’ ultimatum and she simply said she couldn’t give me what I wanted. We fought. We cried. I hugged her. Kissed her cheek and left. She was in love with someone else. A friend she had that was in love with her, was told it was just a friendship, and left her high and dry. Funny how stuff works out right. Well, this time, she ended up dating him, got pregnant, and out of that, had to marry him due to their religious parents. They married Dec. 23rd, 2006. Once again, it was the end. A definite end in my opinion. Well….

TWO WEEKS AGO… I noticed she had a Facebook account. I noticed due to still being friends with her brother. She just made it recently and I looked at it. Still married, and her child is her profile pic. Very sweet. So for some reason, I decided to send a ‘poke’ to her on Facebook. I don’t know if you’re familiar with Facebook, but a ‘poke’ is basically communicating with someone without actually sending them a message or chatting with them. I only did it for shits and giggles. Nothing else. I figured she’d freak out or something, but wouldn’t message back or poke back. She poked back. We traded those for a day or two and finally she messaged me. That’s when the flood gates opened again. She goes on to tell me that she thought about me everyday since i left, that she hated how things ended with us, and she thought I hated her. Also, she moved back to my hometown TWO years prior… and we never ran into each other once. The day after our messaging, I ran into her at the post office. Just nutty. So eventually, we start riding around with each other and she tells me about a voice mail she sent me a month after she was pregnant (Jan. 2007). She told me it was a heartfelt apology for what happened and she missed me. I never got the voice mail. We looked at each other and were in awe. Mind you, she’s still married. Her hubby turned out to be a total asshole to her. Even saying he hated her for ‘getting knocked up on purpose’. She was betrayed and heartbroken. And had no one to comfort her except her brother and her child. And now here I am.. once again. She’s contemplating divorce in the future, even buying a new house in her name. But she’s still married. We text each other daily and I’ve hung out with her a few times. Her kid was there every time and has even taken a liking to me.

So… I know this was a long diatribe, but hopefully it was a decent read. My question is should I run as far away as possible? Do i stick around with her and just be the best friend I can to her until she either heals or moves on? Or is there even a possibility that we may end up being together once all is said and done? Any advice you can give is appreciated.

– Centered in Kentucky

[Ask April Masini]

You shouldn’t try to be her best friend. She is having problems in her marriage and she needs to deal with that without you distracting or confusing her. Being her best friend and thinking you’re helping her heal isn’t right. You’re not best friends — you want more, and she may, too, which is why while she’s still married and has a child with her husband, she needs to focus on those relationships. If she [i]does [/i]end up divorcing, [b]after[/b] that time you should, by all means, ask her out on a date and stop trying to be friends with someone you clearly want to date. Until then, it’s not fair to her or you to befriend her. Sorry! 😳

[Anonymous]

I appreciate your response to my post.

I’ve thought about just moving on. I’ve done it twice already… but what’s one more time right? I mean, I always thought she seen me as no more than a friend, until she opened up to me telling me how she thought about me constantly, how she wished I would have never left, and how she felt bad for how things ended a month after we stopped talking to each other. I know she loves me. Deep down in my heart, I know this woman loves me. She used to say she didn’t ‘see me as anymore than a friend’. And now, it’s more like, “I don’t want you to end up like every other guy I’ve dated.” Her ex’s have ended up hating her. I’m almost positive she talks to me more than her husband at this point, and from what she’s said to me, it’s for the best. All her husband does is play poker, work, and sleep on the couch most of the time. He’s very attentive to his son. He loves him very much. He just doesn’t care for her.

I just don’t want to fight fate again. I’d hate to let things just fade away and have her resenting me for leaving her life AGAIN. She knows my intentions and knows I love her very much. So, based on what I’ve said, and I DO know she’s married and have no intentions of tempting her into an affair. We’ve addressed that and know that’s not happening. Does she actually have feelings for me? I mean, is it that she’s afraid I’ll end up like her other ex’s or is she just wanting to keep me around for moral support or whatever? And should I just let things gradually dissapate with us or do I need to tell her it’s best if I moved on?

[Ask April Masini]

You’re being selfish.

She is married. She has a husband. She has a child with that husband. 😯

Lots of people go through bumps in the road, and she has a responsibility to take care of her own family business and not get you involved. That said, you have a responsibility to do the right thing and butt out of someone else’s family business.

Get your self esteem in check and look at the big picture. She doesn’t know if she has feelings for you or not because she’s in a troubled marriage. Her feelings are confused and confusing. She shouldn’t be talking to you about her problems with her husband, and whatever she says about him, understand that there’s a reason for her telling them to you. She may want attention from you (or any other guy who’s willing to give it to her) that she isn’t getting from her husband, or to create drama, so she says whatever will create those situations for her. She has a lot of problems that SHE needs to handle with HER HUSBAND and you need to butt out and not become part of her marital issues.

IF she decides to divorce him, then she’s free for you to date, but not until then.

You, however, need to fill your life up with activity and dating available women so that you’re not looking for women who are unavailable to create drama and fill up your own time.

Sorry — I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you’re walking down the wrong path with this woman. Let her go and move on. She’s not someone who is available or appropriate at this juncture. It’s not a coincidence that the two of you have never ended up together. It’s fate. 😳

[Anonymous]

I agree. I am being selfish.

And you’re blunt honesty is what I need. Sugar coating doesn’t do anyone any good. I’m aware of my consequences at this point.

I could go on about how timing and things have prevented us from dating in the past, but you’re right. The point isn’t my issues. It’s hers. Her focus should be to work on her marriage and try to salvage something if possible. For her kid if nothing else.

I see where you’re coming from as far as ‘interference’ is concerned. I’m not intending on trying to ‘woo’ her or anything, but she should work on her marriage. That being said, I’m going to let things naturally progress. She’s tried making her marriage work long before I came into the picture. I’ve only been a hearing ear to her when she wants to address it, but we typically don’t talk about it. We just talk about her day or my day, and catch up on what we may have missed in the past. Next week could be a huge changing point as she’s moving into a new house. He’ll probably move in with her if things are better, but that may be when things will turn one way or another.

And I’m still on the prowl. 😎 I don’t stop dating or looking for dates because of this. And that actually seems to bug her a little bit. It’s strange. She’s a wonderful person who just wants someone to treat her good. She’s never had that. For whatever reason.

And you’re advice has been great. Thanks for your help and I’ll keep you posted if anything changes.

[Ask April Masini]

You don’t seem to understand that she is jealous of you dating other women because she has feelings for you. That’s why you’re giving her any attention at this time is creating a confusing mess for her. You can’t solve her marital problems for her. She has to do it herself.

I hope you’re able to do the right thing and back away from this friend of yours.

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