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I don’t know how long of a story I need to tell here, but basically I dated my boyfriend for a year and a half. When we started dating, he had a good job and was going to school. We got along great, he fit in with my family, got involved at my church, and everything was awesome. Then I don’t know what happened, but he ended up quitting three jobs in about six months time. I tried giving him the benefit of the doubt with each of those situations, but it was quite a trend. He then failed his classes. It’s like he lost all motivation. Every time I tried to talk to him about it, he got super defensive and mean. He accused me of not supporting him when I was paying for everything and helping him constantly. Then he decided to start his own web design business, but after six months of not a single client and spending through his tax return, I got really frustrated and told him we needed to take a break since he needed to get his work situation together before anything could happen with us. He’s living with his grandparents at the age of 23 for free, I should add. He admitted to not working on his business at all and just sitting around while I worked full time and went to college full time. He seemed to understand the need for the break and apologized for being lazy. Well over the past couple of weeks, I’ve realized how much the relationship was draining to me. I feel free now without having to worry about upsetting him with basic questions, like “how is your business going?” (Something that basic would upset him). This instability is especially apparent because he will text me at random about how upset he is and require me to explain what’s wrong with our relationship over and over again. He won’t take no for an answer and won’t accept that I probably won’t want to continue this relationship. I try to be firm with him, but he literally has panic attacks over it. He will get so upset he starts throwing up. He’s started therapy which is good, but I’m so sick of the constant drama. I don’t know what to do about it anymore. He’s involved in my church now and friends with everyone I know, so I don’t want things to get too ugly. But I’m feeling like I have to be mean to get him to back off. How do I go about permanently breaking a relationship off with someone who is so emotional and unstable? He’s constantly promising me that things will be different, but I’m having a difficult time believing that. The begging and whining and getting literally sick thing has gotten old and I want him to let me go before I have to freak out about it. I think a year of waiting for someone to get their act together is more than enough patience and I don’t believe I owe him anymore. He seems to think I do.

[AskApril Masini]

[quote]How do I go about permanently breaking a relationship off with someone who is so emotional and unstable? [/quote]

Good question — and a common one.

When you’re breaking up with someone who is unstable it’s important that you’re very clear and you hold up boundaries clearly. By “trying to be nice” and giving him false hope, you’re not doing him any favors. It’s hard to see someone hurt, but anyone who gets involved in a relationship is signing up for some hurt. That’s the nature of relationships, and it’s not your responsibility to enable his feelings when what’s right for both of you is a break up.

More specifically, break up with him in person. Don’t go into details, and just tell him that you’re grateful for the time you’ve had together because so much of it was wonderful, but that you’re ready to move on and you want to be clear with him that it’s over — as sad as that is for you. Then don’t take his calls. Don’t return his e-mails or texts. And when you see him socially, be polite, but be curt and don’t spend time with him that will make him think there’s something there — that isn’t.

I hope that helps.

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