[Pbarbs]

We met in January and almost immediately fell in love. We had a very strong and loving relationship. As she opened up to me, I learned that she deals with anxiety and feels “broken” and lost at times – she had also been treated and medicated for depression in the past. I was always supportive and present for her; we were able to work through her insecurities and ended up having a fantastic summer together.

However, she began to unravel and sought counseling as her job became increasingly stressful. I had a fear that her anxiety and stress could manifest into something that could ruin our relationship, but never truly believed it would happen; we were in a good place and had lots of love between us. I stuck around and she was very grateful for that.

Then one September Sunday, out of nowhere, she ended things. I was completely blindsided; we had just been out together that weekend and had an amazing time.

At the time, she said she needed to learn how to be on her own, to figure herself out (she’s 26; I’m 31) – she had ended a 4 year relationship last November and started dating me end of January, so that possibility had always been in the back of my mind, but she assured me it wouldn’t be an issue.

She told me she would not reach out and would respect my need to move on. I didn’t accept that because I felt that our relationship was incomplete, that there was still lots of love between us, so I let her know that I would be there for her. We live in the same neighborhood and would try to intentionally bump into each other; I would even wave to her from my window. I never made first contact but she continued to reach out. We were back to talking regularly within a week and over the following weeks discussed and repaired the issues that existed between us and slowly began dating again.

We essentially healed together and within a month we were fully back together – stronger, closer, and more in love than ever. She promised to never walk away from me again, told me that no one compares to me, and she never wants to be with anyone else. She spoke of moving in together one day, taking a European vacation, “showing me off” to her colleagues at a holiday party, and already had plans for my birthday, which isn’t until late February. She reached out to a friend who was there for me during the breakup to thank her and tell her that she wants to get to know her. She made an effort to see my family, told me what kind of wedding ring she wants someday. I could go on and on, but I’m using these examples to illustrate how dedicated she was to our relationship.

Then at the end of October, her two best friends basically broke up with her. She had leaned on them a lot over the past year and when she went to them recently with an issue, they told her they can’t be there for her anymore – and that really sent her into a downward spiral. She became consumed by that problem, was distant and rarely present. I was there to console and help her, and she was once again grateful and thankful that I didn’t turn my back on her. She was scared that her emotional detachment would drive me away but I assured her it wouldn’t.

She told me of her plan moving forward – to increase the anti-anxiety medication and add an anti-depressant, and to attend group therapy. I was supportive and proud of her; I admired her for facing everything. She said she thought about asking me for a break but didn’t want to risk losing me – she wanted to stay together while she heals.

I was adjusting to the current state of the relationship, knowing that she didn’t have much to give me at all and was emotionally and intimately unavailable. At a few different points I asked if she wanted a break, if she needed space but she said no. I know she sensed that I was struggling with her detachment.

We had plans to go to dinner one Friday and to spend the weekend together. Thursday night and Friday morning she let me know she loves me and she was excited to see me. Then she came over after work and ended the relationship, saying that her heart isn’t in it and doesn’t feel a connection between us, that she isn’t happy with me, and that the relationship isn’t right for her and it will never work. This was just a couple days after telling me she didn’t want a break because didn’t want to risk losing me.

I reasoned with her, telling her that she feels that way because she is lost and unhappy due to the friendships ending. I showed her the ways in which the relationship does work and how happy we both were literally up until the moment her friends ditched her. She acknowledged some of that – even agreeing that we may still be together had the friends issue not happened – but said it didn’t change anything, that her heart isn’t in it and those feelings of a future together aren’t consistent enough for her to continue. I told her she said the same thing last time; that she will wake up one day and realize that she wants this relationship, that she will eventually feel better, happier with herself and regret this impulsive decision. I told her I may not be there next time.

I realize that she likely does not have the bandwidth for a relationship right now, but I am struggling with how she can block me from her life; I could be there for her, even as a friend. I am struggling with why she pushes me away – making me a scapegoat when we both still deeply love each other – instead of trying. I cannot understand how one day she can tell me she never wants to lose me, promises to never walk away again, and then walks away just days later.

It’s been a month since the breakup. I struggled to not contact her. There was no explanation beyond what she kept repeating so it was difficult to not reach out, to simply stop cold turkey. She had become a different person and I finally stopped reaching out recently.

I want to give her gifts I’ve been working on since September. She has really cool, unique sayings so I hired an illustrator to draw us in funny, cute scenes that represent those quotes. It’s coming together really well and will look awesome – custom front/back cover with her face and her favorite things.
The other project is a book of poems I’ve written for her, plus other poets’ works she’ll like. They will be in a custom, personalized leather journal with her name and will be handwritten in fountain pen ink. Since the breakup I’ve written more poems to reflect my current state, in addition to the beautiful love poems. I’ve also written her letters everyday that I haven’t sent her. I am going to include the letters in the book. There will be several blank pages in the book. My plan was to give her the book and over time continue to write and add new poems to the blank pages as surprises for her.

I know giving these gifts at Christmas is a bad idea. I want to send them to her next month but a couple people don’t think I should give them to her at all. They are deeply personal to me and I put in lots and lots of love and time into those projects. I also still love her and knows she loves me too – I truly believe we are meant to be together, that our bond is being tested now. The gifts would be sent without agenda, but I do hope, at the very least, they will help her see what we have more clearly and may someday persuade her to reconsider her decision.

I know she will love the gifts but I’m not sure how she’ll react. Please let know what you think of all of this.

Thank you for reading.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that you’re trying to walk through a door that will never be fully open to you. My advice is to respect the breakup and move on. That said….. I don’t think you’re going to take my advice just yet! 😆 I think you’re going to give her the Christmas presents in spite of the break up, and hope that will leverage things into some more contact and possibly a reconciliation. Everybody has their own journey, and maybe my advice will resonate for you now — or maybe more so in the future. But, as you wrote…. she doesn’t have the “bandwidth” for a relationship, I think you’re right. 😕

[Pbarbs]

Thank you. You are probably right, but I would rather send it and know for sure than do nothing and regret it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I understand. 🙂 Good luck!

[Member]

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