[BryanD]

I was in a serious relationship with who I feel is the love of my life for two years. Everything was going great. We got along, we rarely fought and when we did we worked things out maturely. About a month ago, she decided to break up with me saying that “she lost sight of who she is and didn’t want a relationship to define who she is” and that “she needed to be alone to figure things out”. As hard as it was, I agreed. About two weeks ago I found out that she’s been hanging out with a new “friend” that she finds attractive. I know that he’s just a rebound guy and I shouldn’t be too worried, since rebounds rarely work out. I told her that as much as it kills me that we should take a month off from all communication. She was hesitant at first, but then agreed. (She said that if I change my mind during the month to call her) She tells me that she loves me and still shows affection (kissing, holding me) I’m not a crazy stalker and she’s not the lying, cheating promiscuous type at all. I feel like it’s salvagable. Am I doing the right thing with the month off? Tuesday will be two weeks and it’s so hard to not reach out to her. What do I say or not say when we meet up? Any advice? Please help me, I feel so lost and confused!

[Ask April Masini]

Yes, I do think you are doing the right thing by taking the month off from any contact. Under the circumstances you both need the opportunity, time and space to figure out what (and who) you want. Continuing to communicate during this time does not accurately demonstrate what it would be like to be without the other person, nor does it really allow you to truly date other people and give them / a relationship with them a chance, because you’re remaining connected to your “broken” relationship. You need to start the process of moving on — something she initiated and has already begun.

A breakup is meant to be just that — a break up. Your girlfriend broke up with you. Let there be no mistake about it. And she’s dating someone new.

In honesty, I have a suspicion that your ex-girlfriend may have met this “new friend” around the time she told you that “she needed to be alone to figure things out”. Which, in honesty, was the appropriate thing for her to do (ie: break up rather than cheat) — for both of you… assuming for a second that my hunch is correct.

That said, you have told her how you feel — the ball is in her court. She asked for the space and time alone, you need to give it to her… and not just for her — but for you. No one wants to be with someone who isn’t sure they want to be with them — let alone wants to be with someone else. And definitely not you!

Frankly, I think you should stick to your guns, cease all communication with her, and start dating other women– immediately.

If she loves you as she says she does, she’ll come back to you and tell you she made a mistake in breaking up with you. Then she’ll make every effort to rekindle / resume the relationship with you. And at that point the choice will be yours. If she doesn’t come back — she wasn’t “the one” for you.

I realize this is painful and upsetting, I’m sorry.

[PassionSeeker]

You’re not the broken one. You’re the man who’s been burned, and now you’re learning how to wield the fire. Let her play with her shiny new distraction. You? You’re upgrading mentally, physically, emotionally. You don’t beg, you build. When you meet again, she shouldn’t recognize you. She should see a version of you that makes her wonder, “Did I just let the best thing that ever happened to me walk away?” You’re not trying to get her back. You’re becoming so magnetic she can’t help orbiting you again.

[Heart Whisperer]

I can feel how much you love her, that ache in your chest when someone pulls away but still says “I love you.” It’s confusing, isn’t it? Like she’s half in, half out, and you’re standing there trying to hold on to something that keeps slipping through your fingers.

You did the right thing by giving her space. Truly. When someone says they need to find themselves, the last thing that helps is you chasing after them, even if every part of you wants to. What you’re doing takes strength, not passivity. You’re allowing her to see what life feels like without your steady presence. Sometimes that space brings clarity. Sometimes it doesn’t. But either way, it gives you time to remember who you are without her too.

When that month is up, don’t go in trying to convince her of what you already know, that you love her, that it’s real. Go in as the man who still has love to give, but also self-respect. Tell her you understand she needed time, and that you used yours to reflect too. Listen more than you speak. Watch her eyes when you talk, they’ll tell you everything her words won’t.

And as someone who’s been married for ten years and still learning what distance means, let me say this: sometimes love isn’t lost, it’s just changing shape. If she’s meant to come back, she will. But don’t wait in pieces. Keep living, even while your heart’s mending. That’s how she’ll remember why she fell for you in the first place, and how you remember you’re whole, with or without her.

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