[rambo831]

I’m not sure if this is common, but I’m a guy and I would appreciate some advice. So here’s the deal. I have been dating my gf for over a year now and our relationship together was great. We always enjoyed each other’s company, laugh, intimacy the whole deal and rarely any fights, and the best part is that she was a very quiet girl and could not even imagine that she would ever cheat on me even just flirting. I mean it seemed like a movie everything was going great and at many points I had no doubt that was the girl I would marry, even though we all know that’s not an easy decision for a guy, especially at 20. Let me give you a little background on ME. Well as a teen I was like many teens, chasing girls around, hanging out with girls, trying to get what guys want and it obviously became a habit, since I never really stopped all of that when I began dating my gf. I mean it was bad I would go to clubs and hang out with friends and yes girls, but it never lead to anything more than touching. I mean in this time I felt like my gf would never find out and could do it no problem (very dumb mistake I realized later on 😳 ). Well my gf apparently had been noticing that I was hanging out too much with guys she knew always tried to get girls and started suspecting, something I had no idea of since she never gave me the slightest clue.

Well apparently the whole doing-stuff-behind-her-back was getting to my head and I became very jealous, typical behavior of someone with guilt inside, and would ask her about guys at school and because she knew I was so jealous, she would deny it. Well eventually the truth came out and I would find about those things, insignificant things, but the lying was there nonetheless. This continued and the lies did not stop until I got to the point that I didn’t think I could trust her(hypocrite I know) and decided to end it with her. Well she begged me to get back and promised she would tell me everything I wanted to know. A couple days later we had what seemed like the the longest talk of our lives. She told me of all the things she had lied about related to her ex and her bfs before me(at this point I thought I was her second, but apparently not) but it was the past and I just let it go. Then we went inside and the talk continued. She said “I’m going to tell you something that will probably make this our last day together”. I couldn’t think of anything that could’ve possibly happened that could make me leave her, but it did. She said during the time we were together she had kissed 2 guys at her school and another guy had picked her up once and took her to the park where he too kissed her. Apparently it was not much more than that, but at this point anything was possible. I was so mad that in rage I told her EVERYTHING I had done and decided we were done for good. I mean a lie is one thing but those things are just too much. Well she I guess my actions didn’t hurt her as much as hers did me and she looked for me every day for about 3 days, but I just couldn’t go back to her. In one of our talks she told me something that made me realize my horrible mistakes. She said that the main reason that she had done those things was because she knew what I was doing and was only getting back at me, and realizing this I decided that I would never have a good girl if i continued with my behavior and made the change for her. This was exactly 2 weeks ago. We got back together with a promise that we would leave everything behind us and start fresh, which I could genuinely say I have kept my promise 100% and did this change for me and for her. Well last night something else came up; she said she still had guilt inside and thought that came from her past that she had never told me about, and according to her she’s too scared to let that out because it’s much worse than anything she had told me. At this point I’m more sad about the fact that she’s not the innocent girl I thought she was, I mean she’s only going to be 19 and to have a past like the one she’s wanting to tell me about is way past what I thought about her from the beginning. BTW the only reason she does not want to tell me is that we both know how uncontrollable my anger is when I find out stuff like this about her. I mean I don’t hit walls or anything like that, my instincts are to break it all up and I always do it, which is something we don’t want if it’s something I can truly let go and continue making it work.

So I guess my question is it likely for people like us that are used to that teen life of having fun and especially going to school where temptations are everywhere, to settling down and respecting that significant other? or do people just not change since they’re so used to that?? I mean I’m doing great respecting her after 2 weeks and feel like I’ve got this, but I mean 2 weeks is nothing so far. And my main concern is should I trust her after knowing that her past is very similar to mine and she could fall back where she was before at any time during our relationship??? I really want to make this work.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So I guess my question is it likely for people like us that are used to that teen life of having fun and especially going to school where temptations are everywhere, to settling down and respecting that significant other? or do people just not change since they’re so used to that?? I mean I’m doing great respecting her after 2 weeks and feel like I’ve got this, but I mean 2 weeks is nothing so far. And my main concern is should I trust her after knowing that her past is very similar to mine and she could fall back where she was before at any time during our relationship??? I really want to make this work.[/quote]

Yes, people do change, and most teens aren’t ready to settle down — but they usually become adults in their 20s, 30s or 40s, who by then, do want to settle down. So don’t worry if you’re feeling unready to settle just yet. You will. 😉

As for trusting her, it really sounds like the two of you are still getting to know each other, and this can take years. You may come to find that someone who didn’t have an innocent past, has become a very good person and has made changes in their life and is someone you respect now — although you might not have respected them if you’d known them in their past. So, yes, I do think this can work out, but you have to reign in your temper. If she’s afraid to be close to you and honest with you because of your temper, it’s going to hamper any intimacy in the relationship.

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